5th December 2021 at 2:31 pm #135175
Hello, I’m looking for some compassionate support and understanding,
I broke no contact with my abusive ex after a really long time – he’s blocked on everything, hasn’t got my number, doesn’t know who I’m friends with etc or where I live. He still sends me obsessive emails regularly even though he’s blocked they go into my SPAM folder. I saw him in person, which I know was dangerous and self-sabotage but I really wanted to confront him about the abuse and for some reason show him how much stronger and well I was. He said how he’d changed, was going to therapy and hadn’t had a relationship since we separated, he was smoking less w**d / drinking less. All lies of course.
I see through his manipulation, I see him for who he is and I no longer love him or at least the person he pretended to be. I got an uber home and that was that, it was all pretty civil and I felt better and stronger about confronting him although regretful that I broke no contact.
After I got home, I ended the communication with him and said I didn’t want to speak to him / see him ever again but wished him the best and I hope he would not contact me again which he agreed, but before doing so he managed to turn it into a big drama. He said I ruined his life by meeting him, that a woman he said he had been openly using to do his washing and cook him meals had kicked him out because she went through his phone and saw his obsessive emails to me and that we were meeting (I had no idea about her at all – and did ask him if he had a new partner before meeting which he said no of course). He said it was all my fault which turned into full b**w abusive towards me – really nasty putting me down, calling me every name under the sun, swearing, saying I was the abusive one, then admitted he hadn’t gone to therapy at all etc.
I just clearly said I was not going to tolerant his abuse, and blocked him once again and I have had no communicated with him since and intend never to speak to him again. It’s a week later, and I’m realising that even those emails coming through regularly was manipulation – it kept him in my mind imprisoned to the past. Even a tiny bit of exposure to his abuse again has completely triggered me and re-traumatised me – my fibromyalgia is bad, I can’t stop crying, feeling depressed again and highly anxious. I feel so utterly stupid for breaking no contact. I’ve been doing so well in my recovery and this is a set back, the strength I had gained and the mental clarity has currently been fogged over.
Right now I’m feeling very stupid, and very alone and triggered. I’m practising a lot of selfcare, lots of yoga, allowing myself to cry. Although it has been really triggering to be mistreated again even if it was for a moment, I am also really grateful my heart got see what a horrific narcissistic monster he is that hasn’t changed and won’t ever changed. It’s given me a brutal reminder of how physically unwell and mentally unwell he makes me and I will under no circumstance, ever return.
I’m not looking for advice or to be shamed e.g. getting a restraining order etc. I’m really just looking for compassion and understanding from other survivors who maybe have done something similar. Any kind thoughts or wishes, I can only learn from my mistakes. Any advice of how to relax too?
Warmest wishes and thank you for taking the time reading this.
XOX Healing Butterfly Babe
5th December 2021 at 2:43 pm #135176KIP.Participant
Sending you a virtual 🤗 hug. Victims return on average seven times to an abuser so what you experienced isn’t unusual at all. I broke the no contact rule and it actually made me stronger. A saying I remember is that abusers only want to get close to us to slap us again. I’m glad you got to see right through his mask again. They are horrible nasty little liars. Absolutely no doubt about it this time. Consider changing your email address. It’s worth it. It’s time to start again with the no contact rule. Lots of self care, you’ve been through this before and got through it, each time is quicker and easier but still extremely painful and triggering to be kind to yourself, no experience is wasted if we learn from it x
5th December 2021 at 3:10 pm #135178AnonymousInactive
KIP is so right.
I’d bet most of us who’ve left have done it to in one shape or form. It is a really hard thing to maintian no contact and completely actually understandable to want to tell them what we think on occasion.
I’ve done it.
On occasion also over the years I’ve also mistakenly thought that since they were my DD’s father they would be supportive on occasion. They were not. It backfired and turned out they were only trying to manipulative again.
So, yes, it sets us back. But as KIP said it also makes us stronger.
You will feel better when it fades into the distance again, which will happen.
Well done for drawing your boundaries.
As for blaming you for what looks like an attempt to be unfaithful to the woman he was with, (did he assume you were going to be his bit on the side?_ well he’s a grown up isn’t he? Relatively speaking at least. His choice to do that.
And more than likely untrue about his relationship with that woman. You have no idea what the truth is.
5th December 2021 at 3:11 pm #135179CedarlemonParticipant
Dear Healing Butterflybabe
I really understand and send my love and best wishes to you. Please do not feel guilty or stupid , it happens and these men will never change. I got an indef ro some years ago now against my ex partner but a few years down the line I rang him because I heard he was with someone else (no idea why I did that) but I am paying the price now . I have never met up with him but he thinks it’s his entitlement now to ring me all the time and tell me that I rang him so it’s my fault , that I must still love him etc etc . You did the right thing by blocking him and blocking him again now. I haven’t had the strength to do this and live with what I’ve done every day. So I fully understand , and I do hope things get better for you x These men are all from the same factory and after reading the posts on here they could all be the same man
5th December 2021 at 3:13 pm #135180AnonymousInactive
C. Yes that’s right (maybe they are all the same man…there’s a thought) – I’m finding a strange sort of humour in that, sorry.
5th December 2021 at 3:35 pm #135181
Thank you for the virtual hug! It’s needed. Gosh, I feel like I’ve returned a couple times over the course of our on / off relationship. I truly hope in my heart and soul I won’t go back now. Although it doesn’t feel like this now, I think it will make me stronger especially as I got to see what a horrific monster he is once again – they are very nasty liars, very nasty. Thank you for trusting me to share your own experience too of returning.
It’s difficult with my email address as I use it for my work and it’s all connected to media and websites. With my line of work, my email address will be public and he’d have access to the new one regardless. I really do not want to go down the restraining order route – he will kill me absolutely will, and I’ve always known that and because I’ve broken no contact on a few occasions, that would make it much more difficult.
Exactly, I’ve survived this before I can survive this again. I am a different person than before. It’s painful, every painful but I am going to learn from this experience and can only move forward. I just dream of a life where his name or memories won’t be present. X
Thank you for the compassion and supportive words. It’s so appreciated and needed. 🤗🤗🤗
5th December 2021 at 3:44 pm #135182
Thank you StartingOverAgain.
Thank you for sharing that with me. It’s so so difficult. It’s terribly sad that manipulation is their motive always. Terribly sad. I’m glad I can see that now, even if I was temporarily sucked back in.
Thank you, yes. November/Christmas is triggering for me also – that’s when a lot of my most traumatic moments happened. I forget that every year. I remember last Christmas being my fist year without him in my life, my first birthday without him and waking up knowing he couldn’t ruin my day that year felt so empowering. Although it wasn’t the most happiest of years as it hadn’t been long after I left, it was a year he couldn’t ruin. This year will be another year without him ruining the holidays. I just hope the pain subsides a little so I can enjoy and be grateful for the loving people around me.
Absolutely. It isn’t my fault about his relationship breaking down with that woman. I know her, we used to be friends. She knew what he did to me and still got together with him, that’s her decision. She’s tried to reach out to me since, but I blocked her also. It’s not my problem. They’re grown ups, and it was his choice to be unfaithful as you said. She is also a very toxic person, and as you rightly said, I have no idea what the truth is. I hope for her sake and her children she doesn’t return to him, but that isn’t my responsibility so I’ve let that go. A bunch of drama that I don’t need.
XOX Sending hugs back.
5th December 2021 at 3:51 pm #135184
Thank you for your compassionate and understanding words.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex is still contacting you, it’s absolutely not okay. In a book I was reading about healing from abuse, it said in a normal relationship when you break up with someone, if you know you’re hurting them, you let them go you don’t continue to harass them or contact them, especially if they’ve asked you not too.
I mean since I’ve blocked my ex and set my boundary of no contact – he’s sent me at least four emails. That’s not normal and it’s not normal for your ex to keep ringing you and blaming you for his behaviour. It isn’t your fault at all. I hope you find the strength to eventually block him again, you absolutely will but in your own time. Nobody can force you. It has to be a decision you’re ready and want to make. I’m here for you, we all are.
They really are the same man. I’ve recently discovered my dad was emotionally abusive towards me as a child, and the words / phases he said / accusations could have come out my ex’s mouth word by word. They really all are the same man.
Sending you massive healing vibes angel. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and trusting me. We all deserve peace and to heal.
5th December 2021 at 5:54 pm #135195VanillastarParticipant
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are trying to navigate through such a difficult situation. There is no handbook or rules. Keep strong and be kind to yourself. You are a survivor xx
5th December 2021 at 7:02 pm #135202
Thank you, Vanillastar.
It’s really hard. I think abusive relationships and moving on abuse is the hardest thing in the world, so many traumas mixed in with it rather than just one traumatic event. I am feeling strong, and much better for posting on here. I will be kind to myself, and keeping fighting. Thank you. You’re a survivor too. 🙂 xx
6th December 2021 at 7:22 am #135224Grey RockParticipant
Gah. It’s like a train crash isn’t it. So horrific that we feel the need to look again to check we didn’t imagine it. It’s natural to want to seek closure but we don’t ever really get that with men like these. And telling our side of things doesn’t really work because they don’t care. We were just supply to them. It sounds like he’s raging now because he presumed he’d talk you round and come back. Chances are his story re the other woman is lies, but if not then she would already have had suspicions to check his messages.
I did the same thing the last time I left. Well, was so enraged by one of his messages I spoke to him the next time he called on a different number. The first (detail removed by Moderator) attempts at leaving were scuppered by my doing that and then getting sucjed back in. He knew just what to say to reel me in. That’s why I have to guard myself by never putting myself in the situation where I hear it.
I didn’t change my email. And couldn’t see how I could actually block him on there, so I set it up so that any messages from him went straight to a folder I set up for the purpose rather than my inbox. Of course, I did still look so that I could forward them to the police, but only when I wanted to. The emails couldn’t just sneak up on me. Forward everything you receive to the police and dont respond.(detail removed by Moderator)
The restraining order is to stop him contacting you. Not the other way round. What you did may not have been helpful to yourself and the situation but you have not changed anything about the order or broken the law by contacting him.
Stay safe and heal well.
Ps have you looked at the Freedom Program at all? It might be worth considering if not. It’s a good place to talk with others who have experienced similar and learn about what has happened and how to move on x*x
6th December 2021 at 11:07 am #135231Wants To HelpParticipant
I’ve done this too, or something along the same lines of trying to have ‘reasonable’ contact with him once I was mentally stronger and in a totally different place. I thought that once I’d been out of the relationship for a good amount of time and we’d both moved on (he was remarried) I thought that FINALLY we may be able to communicate with some level of ‘normality’ or ‘adultness’ but… NO.
My contact with him was only due to us having a child together and arrangements needed to be made about contact for holidays. Lo and behold, he still wanted it all on his terms and when he couldn’t get what he wanted the control and everything was still there. His tone of voice came through in his emails by demanding what he wanted and I was reading them with his voice in my head. It was triggering.
All through my son’s primary school and teenage years contact was always difficult. He never changed. I was so relieved when my son finally became old enough to arrange it all himself. I’ve had no contact with him at all now for a long time and have no need to, it’s such a relief.
They never will change, no matter how much we believe they can. It’s nothing to do with us, that’s why. It’s nothing to do with how traumatised we were when we were living with them to how strong we get when we’re away from them. We know how to communicate healthily, they don’t.
6th December 2021 at 10:50 pm #135257
Hey Grey Rock,
Thank you for your message. It really is a train crash. I don’t think it was for closure, I’m not sure what it was. Yes, he really doesn’t care at all. It is always all about him. He’ll be raging or pitying himself.
Yes that is it, to absolutely guard myself to not be in a situation where he can reach me. I’m sorry to hear this happened to you too – these men are pure evil.
Please can you talk me through how to set up a folder so the emails go in there through private message? I’m struggling to find this out individually. Gathering evidence is a really good idea.
Sending big love and hugs, thank you x x x x
6th December 2021 at 11:47 pm #135258Grey RockParticipant
Hiya. I use (detail removed by moderator). I can’t see on my phone how I did it so will get the laptop out tomorrow and see if I can suss it out and tell you how I did it. It was over (detail removed by moderator) now and a lot of it is a bit of a blur now to be honest. I think I was a mixture of zombie on autopilot and manic overthinking. Tough time!
Try to resist the fear of doing what you need to because he’ll be enraged. They get themselves like that whatever we do. The longer you’re away from him the more courageous you’ll feel. Walking on eggshells around them and trying to keep things calm is so exausting that when we first leave it’s hard not to continue being controlled by the fear.
I’d suggest reading the Living with a Dominator book, esp the chapters on the controller and the bully. Also Out of the Fog.
I’ll post again tomorrow, hopefully with something more useful re the email. Take care Chica, and stay Grey Rock / no-contact. It’s the best way to protect yourself and will get easier over time.
9th December 2021 at 5:32 pm #135345
Hey Grey Rock,
It really is a headf**ky time isn’t it?! I’m sorry to hear you experienced this too but I’m also so grateful for you advice and to hear you’re far removed from the situation. It’s the manic overthinking, zombie feelings that are just completely draining me.
I’ve read the “Living with a Dominator book” but I don’t remember Out of the Fog… I found it was very focused on violence rather than coercion but I am waiting for a course for survivors to start in the New Year focused on coercive control / manipulation / emotional abuse etc and although I feel I can see through it in most people, I’m looking forward to be in an environment to learn more and also have the reassurance I’m not insane – that their behaviours do drive us to feel this way.
I hope you have had a positive few days, you’re lovely and so supportive. Look after yourself too – it can’t be easy discussing these things. I’m still on it with No-contact and want to be for the rest of my life if I can help it, as I hope for all of us.
Healing Butterfly Babe xo
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