Broken and tired

[RedFox]

Hello there,

I had a really bad week. I had intense anxiety and he assaulted me against a wall.
I have lost all trust in him. I don’t know how we will sort out finances and how I can be free with no trust. Thinking of starting a legal battle… I have no energy for this. I just want to be out.

I don’t know how to deal with my anxiety and when I have an intense peak of anxiety. There are time he is being so unfair that I can’t contain the pain inside. Are there services that can take me in charge in these moments, support me and calm me down? Like A&E?

I am crying all the time, I am so lonely and fighting this on my own most of the time.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Redfox, I can sympathise. I’m going through the same thing. My blood pressure is through the roof at the moment. Tell your GP what’s going on (mine has been very supportive). Have you tried phoning the helplines yet? The one on here is excellent, but you may have trouble getting through but well worth the effort. You might try Samaritan helpline too. Try getting in touch with your local Women’s aid group they can give you lots of advice and support. Good luck. Keep posting for support here too.

[RedFox]

Thank you for your reply Freedomfighter.
I have contacted the helpline twice, I have contacted my local WA 3 or 4 times and met them in their facilities, I have talked to my GP and I have counselling sessions once a week. I have tried to put in place as much support as I could but it is still a terrible situation. I have the feeling that only a solicitor and a court maybe will be able to solve the issue. It is a route I wanted to avoid, i don’t even know if I have to mention the abuse.
I am so lost, I don’t know how to approach things. He still manages to manipulate me to make me think everything is gonna be sorted in a friendly way but when it comes to discuss the matter, he gets angry and is impossible to talk to.
I had harassment from his family too a while ago.

When it is too much, are there only the samaritans I can contact? Is there not a place I could go to get some support and not being alone?

[KIP.]

While you have contact with your abuser, your mental health won’t get any better. These men are liars and manipulators. Constantly changing the goal posts. My advice is to go total no contact. Speak to the domestic abuse police on 101 for their advice. And women’s aid on how to leave safely. Ring Rights for Women for free advice on the legal side. I tried very Way possible to keep things reasonable. These men don’t do reasonable. Run for the hills, run fast and don’t look back x

[Copperflame]

Hello RedFox, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can go to A&E and they will help you. Sometimes there will be an on-call psychiatrist available who may be able to talk to you and help you feel calmer. Often being able to speak to someone in the moment when you’re feeling overwhelmed can help you to feel calmer. So yes, do go to A&E if you are feeling like that.

I was wondering, have you called the police at all? Please don’t be afraid to call 999 if he assaults you. The police can remove him from your home, or alternatively if you want it they can sort out emergency accommodation or a refuge space for you.

Solicitor and court in indeed an option. Depending on your income, you may be eligible for legal aid for DV. A solicitor can assist you with getting a Non-Molestation Order and also an Occupation Order, if you want him out of the house.

Finances are always a worry when you’re in an abusive situation, and are a major factor in women being reluctant to leave. I have been there myself, but what I will say to you is that once you’re out of an abusive situation, these matters somehow have a way of sorting themselves out. I think your first priority is to get yourself out of the situation if you can, and deal with everything else as and when you feel able to do so.

When you’re overwhelmed with anxiety it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, but you’d be surprised at how much more clarity your mind has once you’re out, and solutions will come to you that you couldn’t think of before.

Yes, definitely go straight to A&E if you’re feeling in crisis.
Best wishes, Coppeflame xx

[RedFox]

Thanks for the support!

I haven’t contacted the police. I am scared of doing it, scared of the consequences after they talk to him and scared of not being believed.

I am also scared of involving a solicitor because I worry his behaviour will deteriorate and he will try to hurt me as much as he can.
I worry he takes my babyfur or manage to prove ownership.

All these things are preventing me to act.
I have called the samaritans as suggested and it wasn’t very helpful. The person I talked to was nice but wasn’t saying much, which made me feel awkward and I found a bit useless personally.

It’s good to know I can go to A£E, I would probably not be in a state to drive though and I’d probably worry that they think I’m making them lose time coming for emotional distress and not for a real physical issue.

It’s all very tired and I can’t go no contact at the moment. The future seems dark and he is blaming me for a lot, pretty much trying to reverse the situation. It’s like a double punishment; having the abuse and being accused of doing stuff I am victim of.

[Ayanna]

Can you move out? Rent a room in a shared accommodation and leave everything behind, not paying any bills?

Try a bold escape when he is not at home.

Deal with the chaos later.
Make yourself safe first.

[RedFox]

I worry about leaving my home. I don’t want to stop paying my mortgage and bills because he could use that against me in a court.
It wouldn’t be easy to find accommodation anyway.

Some times he’s worse than others, it’s been hard recently but I try to avoid him as much as I can.

Just very tired and hopeless sometimes.

[TowerOfSong]

Do contact the police. You may be surprised how helpful they can be nowadays. And whatever happens next, it is good to have a record logged somewhere that you have been assaulted. You deserve to live a life free of fear. You are worth it, we are all worth it. It is so difficult to seek help, I really know, but the police can put you in touch with support agencies as well; people you can turn to when you are (understandably) low. You don’t have to put up with abuse and you don’t have to fear the consequence of speaking out. By speaking out we eradicate the shame, we call out our abusers, we call them to account, we break a taboo, and we open up the conversation that says, abuse of any kind will not be tolerated. It is hard to speak out, I know, but getting it all out in the open can be very empowering. Speak speak speak. You didn’t ask for this, you don’t deserve this, you didn’t make this happen. It is your abuser who must be shamed and called to take ownership of his violence. You can be stronger than him. I wish you very well.

Tower.

[Lisa]

Hello Redfox,

I just wanted to show you some support. Please do try the helpline here. They will not tell you what to do but they may help you to see that you have options which sometimes are hard to see. If you ever feel that you want to go somewhere to get support your local Women’s Aid can always help and so can a Womens refuge which the helpline could help you find. A refuge is a safe place where you can go and stay where you will get support within the refuge from professionals and other women in the refuge. Whilst you are in a refuge you are classed as in priority need of housing and any children you may have will be given places in school. It may be worth you thinking about.

You deserve to be happy and free from abuse. We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[RedFox]

Thank you.

What happens when you report an abuser to the police? Do they go and talk to him straight after?
Do they investigate? Would I have to prove it?
I worry because once I report him, he will be worse. I worry for my fur baby.
I worry also because I feel like betraying him even though he did these things and deserves to be punished. I guess it’s me having been brainwashed.
Am I stupid for hoping for a “happy ending”? (Not actually happy but at least being free again without involving a court or a police).

I hope my health doesn’t get impacted too much. With these levels of stress, I worry about losing more than money and time.

Will I be scared of men and relationships forever? 🙁

[KIP.]

Hi, are you in touch with your local women’s aid? The helpline on here is very good to talk through your options. It might be that you go into a women’s refuge for a while whilst you sort things out. I reported my husband and the help I received was overwhelming. From the Police arresting him and sorting out bail conditions so that I could stay in my home. To Victim Support and the Courts which finally convicted him. Abusers thrive on our silence. Yes, you are trapped in the FOG of abuse, the Fear Obligation and Guilt. He will never be reasonable but I can tell you I managed to escape and I’m a different woman now. I was such a shell of a person when I was being abused, I went from one bad experience to the next. Now I go from one good experience to the next. It’s not easy but it is worth the fight. Ring the helpline. There is a wonderful abuse free life out there for you. Go get it x

[RedFox]

I have been in touch with my local women’s aid, they are very nice people. I was going to ring them this week but I didn’t do it, it always feels like I have a million things to do.

Could you explain me what happens when you report an abuser to the police?
Do you need to provide proofs at this stage?
Then do you have to go to court? I would like to understand the process, maybe it’d reassure me because at the moment it terrifies me.

He also manipulates me constantly into making me believe everything will be sorted in a friendly way but then I realise I get more abuse and sometimes it even comes in new forms… he is trying to intimidate me to obtain what he wants.

[KIP.]

Sounds exactly like my situation was. Please get in touch with women’s aid. Everything became clear. They have all the answers you need. My ex always changed to goal posts. Just when I though we had an agreement he would change or deny. Eventually I would not back down an he assaulted me. I rang the Police, he was arrested and bailed not to come near me or our home which gave me the breathing space I needed to get the divorce etc sorted out. You can ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police anonymously about your concerns but I can tell you reporting him to the police was what saved me. I couldn’t see the danger I was in. I minimised and underestimated his pure evil. I can’t go into details about the court on a public forum but I can tell you yes I gave evidence in court and I’m glad I did. Even after that he still harasses me from a distance but now he knows I’m not a pushover and I will fight back.

[RedFox]

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I worry reporting him to the police makes him even more angry and that I lose even more.

I understand you can’t talk about this here.
But what is the general process, you didn’t have to give an proves to the police?
My abuser mainly uses emotional and psychological violence so I’m not sure how easy it is to prove 🙁 I feel stuck, I feel he is stealing my life everyday.
I can’t bear the stress and the worry he is causing. I’m not living my life, I am just trying to go through the day and repeat the next day…

[KIP.]

You are traumatised by his abuse and not thinking straight. My ex assaulted me so I had injuries and I recorded the assault. Putting you in a state of fear and distress is a crime. You need to speak to someone like a solicitor or ring Rights for women who offer free legal advice. Women’s aid can help you with all of this if you’re too exhausted to deal with his nonsense. You do not have to have contact with an abuser. There are civil laws you can use to get a non molestation order to prevent him from contacting you. The police would take your statement and see if they have enough evidence for an arrest. They may question him anyway but the first thing you need to work on is getting away from him. Moving out or having him removed. You will need evidence so keep a journal of everything he says and does and any emails or text messages etc.

[RedFox]

It is so worrying to report him! I worry that I’m not being believed 🙁 and I also guess it takes time for a non molestation order to be in place…

Are recordings accepted as proves?
I have a journal that I started in September, it’s not so long ago but that’s about the time I realised how wrong the whole thing was.

I hope this situation will end soon, Im in distress a lot of the time and it is not fair

Thanks for the support x

[RedFox]

Is there a way to record my statement with the police without it going further?
I would maybe manage this so it’s there in case something happens someday but I have to live with him so if they talk to him, im in big trouble.

[Author]

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