8th September 2016 at 2:11 am #27298dreamerofthedayParticipant
I thought my older brother was supportive as a couple of months ago he came to the place I live now and took me out to dinner with my niece. But a few weeks later he started laying into me, telling me I’ve made bad choices and I won’t be successful despite all that. He keeps using my religion as an excuse but I’m not religious anymore so it means nothing to hear I’m bad for having a boyfriend and wanting a life with him. My brother got his happiness. He got married, has a daughter. But he wants to stomp all over mine and use religion as an excuse to do so. I messaged his wife showing her what he sent hoping she would be shocked, but she made excuses for him saying he is just angry it doesn’t mean anything. And belittling what happened to me at home that caused me to leave. I know for a fact her father was similar to mine and that her marriage to my brother got her out of the situation. I guess she doesn’t want to ruin this so is using every excuse to say he’s not how he appears. I’m so upset and angry right now, can’t sleep at all.
8th September 2016 at 6:56 am #27301KIP.Participant
It’s very hard to be around unsupportive people at this time when you’re vulnerable. My son picked up many bad habits from his abusive father. Perhaps your brother has done the same. Distance yourself in the meantime until your confidence grows. You know what you went through and how you feel. Stay strong. It’s your life X
9th September 2016 at 1:30 am #27375dreamerofthedayParticipant
He started saying I took my place in a refuge from a more deserving woman. He claims I haven’t suffered any abuse, and even if I did mine was mental abuse and my life wasn’t in danger. He said only women who have had a threat to their life should ever go in s refuge. I was so hurt I just needed someone to tell me I was ok to.get my place. I called karma nirvana and they were amazing.
9th September 2016 at 10:48 pm #27420lover of no contactParticipant
I read somewhere that it is easier to side with the bully than the victim. That has been my experience too, my daughter and my abuser’s family/friends siding with the abuser. In fairness to them the abusers are very good at influencing people against their victim.
Sounds like your brother has been influenced by your abuser dad. Abusers subtly indoctrinate family members and others against their victim. Your father wants to isolate you from your siblings probably.
Your brother at the moment is your dad’s mouthpiece. Forget your brother’s ‘verbal rubbish’. Its good you posted for support as it is hard not to let your brother’s ‘verbal trash’ into your head.
Remember Shafilea Ahmed’s case (reminds me of your situation in your family home, that’s why I’m so glad you got away-she died at the hands of her parents). Her abuser dad had influenced her brother and mother so much that they sided with the abuser (probably due to fear) against her. Shafilea’s mother and brother were being controlled by the dad but the mother joined the father in strangling Shafilea on the living room couch as the brother (and the other younger siblings looked on).
Google the case. Even when Shafilea’s dad was convicted the brother stayed supporting the perpetrator (dad).
It takes a lot of courage for people to side with the victim and not the abuser. Unfortunately they are in the minority. My mother tried to get me to side with her against my dad (she was an abuser). I didn’t. But I became her target then (as well as my dad). My brother did side with my abuser- mum against my dad (and eventually against me).
Abusers and abuse tear families apart. But I’m so glad you got away. Don’t let your brother set you back or bring you down. You have done so well. Onwards and upwards.
Keep posting for support when you need it.
4th January 2017 at 11:37 pm #35556TigressParticipant
keep strong and believe in what you have done. I left my husband and half of my family have sided with him. My mother who was quite supportive now thinks I should have sacrificed myself. I know now that I am happier, though my families reaction hurts me everytime, I keep telling myself I have done the right thing as I couldnt live in that environment any more.
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