- This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 months ago by Anonymous.
9th July 2020 at 7:27 pm #109436
Hi all, its been a while since I posted but I recently I started working with a new therapist. She has helped me talk through and vent about the abuse I went through with my family. Including the sexual abuse I hadn’t discussed with anyone really until now. Its hard but I know its for the best if I want to process things.
Anyway we recently focused on how what I went through affects me and my self worth. I often joke about hating myself but to be honest I really do. I think I am stupid, fat, ugly and worthless. I believe I deserved what happened to me. I was told this for years upon years by my family and loved ones. Whilst therapists and others have been told this is wrong I find it hard to stop thinking it. I get that logically I didnt do anything wrong but I never truly feel it. Does that even make sense?
This line of thinking is a big problem because it manifests in me neglecting my health for long periods of time. I wont get dressed, clean my teeth of bathe for days on end. I comfort eat and sleep to avoid bad thoughts. Or sometimes I do the opposite refusing to sleep or eat and ignoring my bodies need for rest. I dont exercise because I dont care enough about my body to put the effort in to keep in shape. Most worryingly if I have a health issue I even avoid seeing doctors because I dont want to bother them. i have done this even when I had a tumour a long time ago. (Removed by moderator)) Needless to say its bad.
I imagine a lot of victims/survivors have these issues or at least similar ones. How do you move forward and start taking care of yourself? How do I build myself back up when I have been down trodden so long?
How do I break these life long self destructing habits and thoughts?
Thanks in advance for any advice.
9th July 2020 at 7:52 pm #109437Same-againParticipant
Hi there Bumbum, perhaps there is a support group locally you could attend? I think they do have ones for overeating, maybe that would be a start?
Maybe also try a walking group to get you started with some gentle exercise and some new friends/company?
10th July 2020 at 10:08 pm #109569
Hi thanks for taking the time to comment.
I do try and walk every other day or so though motivation is hard. Its currently harder to exercise than normal as I got hit by a car (detail removed by Moderator). Im waiting to see a physiotherapist to try and help me build my strength back up in my (detail removed by Moderator).
9th July 2020 at 10:02 pm #109448[email protected]Participant
Have you thought about trying CBT ? I started recently after lots of deliberations! It helps because they talk you through changing your core beliefs in who you are. I’m slowly beginning to change how I see my self
For instance the therapist asked why Do you feel unworthy of help? Can you validate this the answer was no. Because I’ve been told this over and over by an abuser? Yes that’s why! It had been like a light bulb being turned on. I totally get where ur at I can identify with your post very much xx 😘 love diymum x
10th July 2020 at 10:09 pm #109570
Hi thanks for your comment.
I have had CBT and it did help for a bit but I seem to have a hard time sticking with it.
9th July 2020 at 11:50 pm #109475AnonymousInactive
Hi there and Welcome back! Sexual abuse, especially if it happened when you were young and the perps were trusted people as in family/friends, etc….then we do something called disassociating from our body, we split. We attach what happened “to” our body and we also usually take on the guilt and shame of it which belongs to the perpetrator but – children think like this……..if something this traumatic and invasive to our body happens – we immediately think – what did I do to deserve this? It’s all my fault!! At that moment, because we said it, then it has to be true. You might not really believe what someone else says to you but if you say it, it goes through no filter at all, it just becomes law. It doesn’t help if other people are saying it too but you have to be the one that agrees with them in order to make it true.
So once that lie takes root in you then it clouds everything. Grows vines, chokes out the truth at every turn in regards to “who am I?” because to be honest, you don’t want to know because you’ve already judged yourself, sentenced yourself and now you’re living out your punishment. You did all this as a child, with a child’s mind which is nowhere near being logical or reasoning. But when it’s never challenged, once you’re an adult, it is still your basic operation system. You said it, it must be true. But it’s not true……
You most likely have no clue who you really and truly “are”. Because in order to do that, you can’t stand out on the patio and watch yourself through the window. You actually have to – come in and stay awhile and be intimate – with yourself doing so.
If the sexual abuse didn’t happen when you were a child, it still has very similar devastating results in that you separate from your body. It’s bad. You were bad. So punish it. Hate it, want nothing to do with it. You drag it around behind you because you kind have to but that’s about it.
All the while, you’re basically living in a shell because the soul, the fire, the authentic you is all locked up, in prison and it’s not by the hands of the perpetrator anymore, it’s by your own hands because you said – it’s all my fault. I deserved it, that’s why it happened. That’s all lies and you have got to disbelieve them. It’s hard because that lie network is very guarded by a security system that you built so now you’re going to have to go through your own defense. It can be nasty. But it’s worth doing. And it can be done. Light and truth are powerful powerful when it comes to tearing down these defenses.
Inside is a very very hurt core part of you that has no idea why she’s in prison. She didn’t do anything wrong, been wrongly accused by everyone. Been the scapegoat, the dog everyone likes to dump the guilt of who they are onto you. Typical abusers and when it’s a group doing it, is amplified by 100. I know, it happened to me and yes I was the victim of child abuse/sexual and otherwise for many years. So I understand, I do.
There are alot of inner child books and workbooks actually. Google it or I can give you some. It helps you to get reconnected because something was very severed in you and you need it back. It’s still there or you wouldn’t be here asking these questions. 🙂 Also know that the strongest part of the tree is where a branch has been broken off and is grafted back on. Very hard to break in that area….
10th July 2020 at 10:15 pm #109571
Thank you for your lovely long comment it gave me a lot to think about.
I defiantly feel like I have only started to know myself since cutting off the rest of my family. I have a much more supportive group of friends now and a wonderful partner. He really helps me feel safe and accepted. Im doing little things to try and work out who I am and what I want but its hard and anxiety inducing.
12th July 2020 at 12:09 am #109663AnonymousInactive
Anxiety is always going to come up when we go from one mode of operation to another. Our whole being is going to revolt and go WHATchadoin? And why??? We don’t like change. WE’re pretty lazy actually. Even if our car is going to go right over the cliff, we check the map and say oh well, the map says there’s a road so I’m going to trust it and floor it. Bad move.
We have to really BE in the driver’s seat and really drive our own car instead of putting it on autopilot that anyone can program and we’re left out of the picture entirely. So we start at ground zero. I would suggest having a wall to yourself. Anywhere just a wall that’s all “you”. An entire room would be great but what you have here. Make that space “yours” and put up everything on that wall or whatever. Write notes, draw pictures, put up photos, splat paint on it, put up a dart board with someone’s picture on it and change it often, just put you – there. Make it all messy, get that mess in your head – on the wall. Move things around, categorize them or not. Take things down and cut into shreds, use as toilet paper, burn them. Put them in a frame and treasure them. This time and this space is about you and you might as well just dump all the drawers out. Just dump it on the floor and go through it. Kick it around. Lay down and roll in it. Get naked in it. Sleep there.
You won’t know you until you do this. I suggest strongly that – you make a book, get a 3 ringed notebook and buy some holed paper. Have dividers that go from 0 to 18. And behind each divider write down everything that you know about “you” that goes behind that year of age. Of course you will have to depend on other people’s knowledge, what they know when you were young but put down what you know. Where you lived, what you were like, friends, family, etc. and just keep adding to it as you remember things. It’s quite revealing and it’s an ongoing process because you will remember something and go OH, that was when I was 9, have to write that down.
What happens is we separate from ourselves, we split. We have memory lapses and we don’t want to be inside our bodies anymore so we have to go back in a little a time which you are doing in therapy but this notebook idea does work. You may start out and not have alot but it will come….Try it! Your real authentic self does want to be whole. So once you start the process it will be like a magnetic force where all the pieces start slamming in together. I get stimulation and information overload. I’m what you call whole brained or middle brained so I do use both sides of my brain at once and when information comes in with me, it comes from both directions and I feel like I’ve been run over by a train! Add to that – that I am an empath and a highly sensitive person as well (that’s a real thing, look it up) then you can pretty much scoop me up with a spatula from the floor and walls. I do put things back in order eventually but it’s like a 21 card pickup. I am the wild woman that people write about. It’s okay though. I live with it. Laugh about it alot and otherwise people look at me like I’m insane and I count that as a good thing. Always good to make people wonder about – what you might do next! LOL! It’s the element of surprise that gets them every time. yes…I think she might be crazy… (crazy like a fox).
Just know that – some of the most talented, gifted and wonderful women on this planet are the very ones who had tremendous abuse in their lives growing up. Yep, broken in several different places at once. But guess what? The grafted part of the tree is always the strongest. I might not ever know who I would have been if abuse had never happened to me but what I do know is – it won’t define me. And I will pick up the pieces of weapons lobbed at me I will use them for my arsenal as tools. Do know and deeply understand that the biggest reason abusers hurt you is because you have something they – fear. Remember that one. It’s very very true.
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