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    • #119410
      smallbutbrave
      Participant

      Hi all

      Where to start?? I just really need to vent. The last so many years with my other half has at times been hell. Right now it is HELL. he has torn me apart this week, je really has. I don’t even know where yo begin. He calls me all kinds of names, says I am a liar, is convinced i cheated on him, says I am the bad one, I light the fire. Compares me to other womens, always putting me down. He can become aggresive aswelland only a few months back threatened to kill me or f**k me up when he found out there was 1 male working at my work (yes just one) he makes life hell at times, sometimes I dread coming home from work and feel sick when i get to our front door. I have even felt suicidal in the last month. (detail removed by Moderator) (we are in separte rooms – have been all week) he is texting me asking why I havn’t tried to sort this out. He is saying I could havr come to him and ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ his words! W*f!! he says this is all my fault, I started this, this is all my fault. I lit the fire but can’t take the heat?? he has said he is leaving (detail removed by Moderator) but why after all this and all these years am i feeling so so guilty and feel sorry for him and also so so scared parenting alone (I have no family nearby)

      Where is my courage??? i am so scared of him leaving. Being a single parent and dealing with life alone. It terrifies me.

      Then on the other hand I think ‘just think how free you will be’ but that just isnt enough.

      Help 😔

    • #119412
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I really feel for you. I know only too well how you’re feeling right now. The anxiety floods us into freeze mode. He sounds very dangerous and remember that leaving and ending these types of relationships increases risk. Threats to kill are very concerning and need to be taken seriously. My guess is he’s playing mind games with you and he’ll be going nowhere. These men want to see us weak and vulnerable. Can you call women’s aid or reach out to your local domestic abuse service? Don’t hesitate to call the police if he escalated tomorrow and/or get you and your kids out. Can you ring a family member or a friend? Even if they’re far away they might be able to come to support you or offer you a place of safety.
      Your courage is there inside. You’ve reached out on here. Right now in the midst of all the abuse it’s terrifying and hard to think straight. You don’t have to live like this. I know it’s scary but getting away from this man is the priority. We can’t think straight when we are terrified and terrorised. Break things down into small goals. What do you need to do right now for your safety and sanity. Take care and keep posting. You’re not alone xx

    • #119415
      smallbutbrave
      Participant

      thank you for replying

      I actually think this time he is really goong to go unless i stop him last minute because I get so scared and confused, then get angry with myself because I know I have lost my ‘out’

      I gave up ringing the helpline a long time ago because I could never get through ever! Now he is always home because he has lost his job because of covid so he is always here and because of lockdown its even worse – icant get any time away to call a family member or womens aid. My family all live across the globe so they arenm’y even a couple of hours drive away (my parents know a little of what has been going on, I managed to tell my mum a few years back but have never mentioned it since)

      I just wish he would stop blaming me, whenever i try to defend myself or just have my say he says I am playing the victim and making him out to be the bad one. So I just dont say anything and he goes off about that.

      I feel like I am drowning and everytime i come up for air he is throwing more insults and accusations myway and i go under again.

      He is obsessed with my past and my ex boyfriends, he always goes in about them and i thonk he always looks at there twitter pages because he tells me things about them like ‘ohhh x*x is single now…why dont u go live with him. So childish!!!

      Is life scary as a single parent??

    • #119425
      Hetty
      Participant

      How are things this morning? I hope you’re ok?
      I’ve been there too. Insulted then I’d cry then I’d be “playing the victim”. You can’t win with these men. Don’t even try. They up the anti with every boundary crossed.
      Try emailing women’s aid. I did that as I could never get through and I got a reply within a day or so. It’s a start.
      If he remains in the property today and for the foreseeable does he let you go anywhere alone ever? So you can make a call for help.
      Let me tell you that there’s nothing more scary in this world than living with an abuser. If you can do that and still function as you are, you can do anything. It’s true that kids aren’t small for long and they older they get the easier it becomes. As a single parent I get to enjoy it all and don’t have to share, I’m in control etc. The thing I most like is I can rest. Parenting alone is tiring and when we’re in an abusive relationship we are running around looking after their needs too. No one really does that for us. My ex would demand sex, hate me having early nights, keep the tv blaring through the house. My ex (not my child’s dad) had us all walking on eggshells and keeping the house quiet and immaculate. It’s bliss living alone with my child. I’m not saying I don’t have my moments as we all do as parent’s but me and my child are so much calmer and relaxed xx

    • #119430
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      My husband used to be obsessed with past (he now criticises me for being useless). I don’t think you can do anything about it because it’s all about him and actually nothing to do with your past. If it wasn’t your past it would be something else. I say think to reassure you that you’ve done nothing wrong, not to depress you!
      I’m also terrifies of being a single parent. I do believe we all have the courage we need to leave. I haven’t managed to find mine yet though. In my clearer moments (I’m usually trapped in freeze) I think it can’t be worse being a single parent than struggling to parent while constantly being undermined and emotionally battered.
      You might find there is a local domestic abuse device that’s easier to contact than women’s aid. I recently picked up a leaflet for one in my local chemist and plan to call on Monday.
      I always find there’s a reason for not leaving yet but I think there will always be something because of the fear of leaving. I think the fear finds plausible excuses and at some point you just have to let them go….. although of course I’m not speaking from experience!
      Anyway, you’re not alone. Sending you lots of live and hugs x*x

    • #119433
      smallbutbrave
      Participant

      So you was right…He isn’t going anywhere, he asked me to get up early and take our soon to do the (detail removed by Moderator) and he would use that time to get his bits in the car and leave but he hasn’t gone. He has at last minute some how made me cave. He has been all over me now, won’t stop kissing and touching me. How do they do this? I shouldn’t have let him anywhere near me. I should have blanked him when he opened his arms and said come on lets sort this out. I didn’t though. I caved again. Now I have to act like everything is normal. I lost my chance again, The fear got in me again. He wants us to have make up sex tonight and keeps saying he can’t wait to be woth me (sorry to much info) the thing is this will happen again, next time I just need to be stronger. I can do this.

      I can’t really email womens aid as he can access my emails from his laptop from when I had to use it once when my phone had to be sent away for a repair so utbjust isn’t safe enough. He does go out on his (detail removed by Moderator) alot for ling (detail removed by Moderator) so I can use that time to try again witj the helpline.

      • #119482
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Smallbutbrave,

        I am sorry to hear of the abuse you are going through. If calling the helpline or emailing Women’s Aid isn’t safe then perhaps our Live Chat might be another option? You can chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via the online Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

        Please do keep posting to us when you can.

        Best wishes,

        Lisa

    • #119453
      Sadsoul
      Participant

      Hi smallbutbrave, im still stuck so dont have much advice but i do understand what you are saying about giving in and them being all over you, i had a chance to get out last night had someone on stand by to collect me but im sure she could sense it all and spent all evening kissing and hugging me i kept trying to keep my eyes open and think of all the bad stuff i still gave in. Its not your fault look up trauma bonding a lady on here told me to and it opened my eyes to a lot of things, take care stay safe x

    • #119463
      Hetty
      Participant

      You can see the cycle now. Just start thinking through your options. You might one it easier to reach out to your local domestic abuse service. Leave no stone unturned. Consider every possible option xx

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