Can and should I forgive him?

[Spices 101]

Hi,

I’ve recently realised that what I have been experiencing ticks a lot of coercive control boxes. I’ve been stopped from driving because he’s afraid I’m going to have an accident despite me being a safe driver and I’ve never had an accident in (detail removed by Moderator) years of driving. On very rare occasions that I’ve met up with friends he’s insisted on driving me and ringing him to pick me up afterwards. He didn’t like my choice of clothes so bought me new ones that he liked. We are both (detail removed by Moderator) and he controls all of the money and has not not let me buy little treats for my grandson. I have got a bank card for food shopping but he always carefully checks the amount I’ve spent afterwards. He is critical and snappy with me and very inpatient. We’ve been together a long time but this got worse s(detail removed by Moderator) when we both retired. He’s started picking faults with my family, even going over the top and yelling at my (detail removed by Moderator) year old grandson over a broken toy, my daughter left in tears that day and hasn’t visited since. (I’ve got 4 children from my previous marriage, he has non. At (detail removed by Moderator) something clicked and I said I was fed up with having no money of my own and he agreed very reluctantly to pay me a small monthly allowance. He now calls me his rich wife and says he doesn’t know why I should have money to secretly spend when he takes nothing for himself-he could take some for himself as he controls the finances. It’s not all bad we go on nice holidays and he does pay for my phone contract and he bought me an (detail removed by Moderator) for (detail removed by Moderator). He has been supportive over the years but he makes sure I don’t forget it and I’ve also been supportive in his times of need too but don’t remind him of it constantly like he does to me. The thing is we had a big discussion on (detail removed by Moderator), he instigated it and he says he’s only ever tried to protect me as he loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me. He says he didn’t realise what he’d done was upsetting me so much. He says he’ll change and his behaviour has changed he’s more helpful around the house, he’s not being snappy with me anymore and says he doesn’t want to lose me. He’s also letting me drive myself to the shops, I’ll test the water and go longer distances when covid restrictions are lifted. The big question is can I forgive him? I’m feeling very angry inside despite him changing, angry with myself for putting up with it all of these years and angry with him for putting me through it. Do you think this could be the honeymoon period that I read about in control situations, I’ve never pushed boundaries before or has he changed! He opened a bank account in my name it’s got a few thousand in it and I’m currently hiding that incase I need to leave. He doesn’t know I’ve got it, it’s not really my money but he uses my name as a tax dodge. He has said if we split up he wouldn’t give me half of everything like he did when his first wife and he split up. So I figure this amount would set me up in a rented house somewhere. What do you think can I forgive him, will he really change for good and should I put the bank book back. Thanks in advance. X

[gettingtired]

Hello, he sounds incredibly manipulative. All of this ‘I’m doing it for your own good and because I care’ is what he uses to control you.
I think we become so used to their behaviour, we minimise it and view it as normal.
My Mother and Step Father are probably a similar age to you both and he wouldn’t dream of telling my Mum he’d never give her half the money if she divorced him or check up on what she’s been spending. If she needs to get shopping sometimes she’ll use his card and sometimes her own. No problems. This is how it should be! Sorry, I hope that doesn’t come across as patronising but I’m just saying that’s what you deserve to have because it’s normal.
I know how you feel as my partner financially abuses me by withholding money he owes me. He also has bought me presents in the past for birthdays etc and referred to them as ‘his’. So he’ll say ‘oh there’s my watch’ and moan that I never wear it or appreciate it. Or accuse me of breaking ‘his’ presents. Ridiculous!

As beachhut says I’d make sure he doesn’t have access to any of your banking. Change passwords if you have to but continue to act normal. It’s not advisable to confront these men on their abuse as they will just deny, twist and things could escalate.
Are you able to start siphoning money away quietly? Like you said in case you decide to leave and want to set up somewhere for yourself.
Are you able to read any of the recommended books on abuse? Living with the dominator by Pat Craven or Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (this one is a real eye opener). I think you can download them online too. X*x

[Spices 101]

Hi, He didn’t open the bank account for me to use but is a way of him fiddling tax as I’m a non tax payer. It’s an old fashioned building society account with a book so I’ve basically “kidnapped” the book in case I need to escape, at least I’d then have that money to set me up if and when I leave. He’s not noticed that it’s missing yet. I can’t get the books you mention as he has access to my Amazon account so that would just antagonise him further. Maybe when the libraries open I can order them discreetly. We have spoken lately about things and it basically just comes down to his fear of losing me, the way he doesn’t like me going out alone or without him. I’m getting confused again. Xxxxx

[gettingtired]

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is available to download for free online. As I said it really is a huge eye opener. I think there may be some Lundy interviews on youtube also. I understand some things may be difficult if he has access to your online activity though.
You could always try calling the National abuse helpline. I call them on behalf of someone else recently and found it was taking a long time to get through so I left a voicemail with my name and number and they called me back shortly after. They said if you only have limited time to speak you can tell them in the voicemail and they’ll try to make your call back a priority. You can delete calls from your call log list on your phone if he goes through that. They don’t tell you what to do but can offer support and advice. Also, keep posting on the forum if you need to or you can always private message Lisa the moderator. Hope you’re ok xxxx

[Eggshells]

Hi,

It’s a funny one isn’t it. Forgiveness is something that we really should do for ourselves, so that the hatred and anger doesn’t eat us up. But it’s difficult. Ultimately, whether you forgive him or not, please know that it won’t make any difference to how he behaves.

Yes, you are currently in the honeymoon part of the abuse cycle. Sadly, this new him will only last for as long as it takes to suck you back in. Then he’ll be wanting to access your own private bank in some way and your car keys will disappear.

Please withdraw the money in cash and move it into a brand new account that he doesn’t know about.

If you are married then he won’t have a choice about whether you get half of everything or not, that’ll be up to the courts. It does beg the question though, if he’s so concerned about you and your wellbeing, he’d surely want to give you all the money you needed to set yourself up in a life that makes you happy. Wouldn’t it be worth the financial sacrifice to see the woman he claims to care so much about, living a happy life where she doesn’t have to worry about money?

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