Can anyone help I am so confused

[Featheredge]

Ok so this i feel quite shameful of but I need advice. I haven’t even told my best friend.
I separated from my partner (detail removed by Moderator) after (detail removed by Moderator) together. We are living apart and he is desp for us to get back together, childhood sweethearts with lots of happy memories and adorable children. I haven’t until the last couple of weeks given him any suggestion we would get back together but I have always on the whole been ‘nice’.
We have seen each other in recent months when we move the children between us.on a few occasions he has asked if I will ‘watch him’ while he masturbates. When he first asked I was packing some things to take them from the family home and I was filling a bag as he did it, which I found weird, I wasn’t looking at him simply in the same room. Since then he has done it a few times (doesn’t take long) and he says don’t think I’m pathetic doing this but I miss us and you still make me hard. I know I’m not comfortable with it really but I also know I have broken him and sex was a big part of our marriage and we were active right up until the end.
So please can anyone explain why? The reasons? Is it normal for men? Because it’s the last thing I could even think of.
And just another small aspect of this whole awful time I am so so confused about. And yes I still care about him. Please help me. I have asked my counsellor and she thinks it’s his way of making everything seem ok. Is that actually the case? We don’t touch or kiss, infact often I am sorting stuff out or locating items ready to pack up.

And to be clear the children are no where near when this happens they may be outside playing or on Xbox, thi is done in a closed environment in perhaps the bedroom with just us two for example.

[KIP.]

Hi, these are just my thoughts as I don’t know you or your situation so I may be well off track but I think he’s not respecting your boundaries. I don’t think it’s about the sex act, it’s about him. You weren’t looking at him, you were packing a bag so it’s not like you were consenting, interested or getting any pleasure from it. I think you should set firm boundaries or he will try to move it from his masturbating to involving you further. I would see it as totally disrespectful and ask him to stop. Set firm boundaries so there’s no confusion. Caring for him doesn’t mean you have to accept this behaviour. You’re separated for a reason. The counsellor saying he wants to make everything feel okay may be more like he wants to keep you involved in a sexual way with him. Intimacy like this I don’t think is helpful when you’re separated and you need to be very clear it’s not acceptable. Would you masturbate in front of him? Try setting some clear boundaries.

[Featheredge]

Thankyou! And gosh no! It’s not even appropriate I feel that I would even get undressed or anything like that infront of him. I have said no it’s not right but he just says please and I feel I can’t say no.

Thank you for responding. I am really struggling with this. And I also feel pathetic.

[KIP.]

Please don’t feel pathetic. You’ve had many many years of his brain washing and programming you to do everything to keep the peace no doubt. It’s hard to break that thought pattern. It’s hard to say no when you fear the consequences. Try not to put yourself in the position where he can do this. If you’re separated and living apart so if you really must meet him then make it in a public place. Perhaps use covid as you’re now not allowed in other households? Give yourself space from this behaviour. Expect to be treated the way you treat others x slowly out more and more distance between you. He’s not your responsibility x stay safe x

[Wiseafter]

Hi, I agree with KIP. My first thoughts were that he is objectifying you, not seeing you as a real person with emotions and feelings that deserve respect but as an object for his sexual gratification. He may also be playing victim (‘pathetic’) so that you feel sorry for him and give in, either to come back to him, or have sex with him. Either way, please put yourself first and if you feel uncomfortable around him, just leave. You don’t owe him an explanation and you are not responsible for him, or his actions. Stay strong – you are doing really well and will be OK.

[fizzylem]

It’s for control and his own sexual gratification for sure, to see if he can still get you to do what he wants, to get off on being in control and watching you deal with it. A test. A total disregard for your boundaries. An attempt to blur the boundaries. You’re not togther anymore hey.

It sounds like a difficult, awkward position to be in, one where you wanted to say no but felt you couldn’t find the words.

It could also have been a lame desperate attempt at trying to get you to have sex with him too, an offer maybe, we’re over but could we still have sex? He’s not the first and won’t be the last man either to have a go at seeing if you will enter a no strings attached just sex then instead arrangement – works great for some men – means I don’t have to do a thing and I get sex whenever I want it – for nothing in return – works especially well for those men who were only really in the relationship for the sex on tap.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I’d echo the other ladies here. What a horrible situation to be in. And a total disregard for boundaries or consent.

I only am adding to this because my abusive partner used to do almost this exact thing at the beginning of our relationship. Though I did not see it at the time, it was most certainly a power thing: look what I can do, without consent, I’m in charge.

Oddly I too used to feel sorry for him (for different reasons). But ultimately it was him violating me, just as your ex is violating your boundaries, and that puts him squarely in the wrong.

[Author]

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