Can anyone relate to this? (“normal” upbringing made me vulnerable to abuse)

[ISOPeace]

I know a lot of experts say pretty much anyone can be manipulated by an abuser and I don’t doubt that. But I have been thinking about my own vulnerabilities that my ex exploited and I wonder how similar they are to other survivors. I’m not trying to blame my parents, they did the best they could. But I think it’s helpful to recognise where unhealthy behaviours were normalised so that I can learn to have more healthy relationships in general, not just with a partner.

On paper, I come from a nice home with good parents. A “normal” family. But I can see now that while my parents are well meaning, they are emotionally unavailable and have very limited emotional regulation skills. Both of them pretty much always act according to whatever emotion has hijacked them in the moment and even afterwards believe that it is completely normal. Both now and when I was growing up they would do things like:
• Thinking it reasonable to demand immediate responses to non-urgent things that they happen to feel a sense of urgency about, and/or acting as though having to wait for a response is unreasonable.
• Giving the silent treatment in response to perceived criticism
• Angrily shutting down conversations where they feel criticised (followed by silent treatment) and making it clear that the person raising the issue is the problem
• If I asked not to be told about things I find upsetting (e.g. animal cruelty or some anxiety trigger) I would be told “you need to know” or that I’m too sensitive
• Give dire warnings about how awful things would be if I made some hypothetical mistake with the implication that I wouldn’t be able to deal with the consequences
• Completely lose their s**t with my brother, shouting in his face and being intimidating, but insisting that it’s ok and they have a lot of self-control because they never hit him
• Responding to me with something vaguely relevant about themselves, rather than the subject I raised and justifying it as ok with “well I thought it was relevant” and probably an eye roll
• Criticising any big/angry expression of feelings by me or my brother and/or making light of them. But justifying their own angry outbursts as completely fine, because “you/he/she made me angry”.

I can see that I learnt that to keep my parents happy with me (and to feel loved) I had to meet their expectations and I had to take the blame if they thought I was the cause of their bad feeling. I remember feeling grown up and responsible when I apologised to my mum after an argument in my early teens. Now I feel sad as I remember that she ‘graciously’ accepted my apology as though it was all my fault. She pretty much never apologised to me and that it was a clear example of me being rewarded for taking responsibility for her feelings.

I learnt that my parents’ wants/priorities were more important than mine and having solid boundaries meant being unloved if those boundaries were inconvenient for my parents.

My parents struggle with empathy, whereas I had to learn empathy to survive. I was only loved when I met their expectations of me so I had to be tuned into their feelings. I also learnt that the parts of me that didn’t meet their expectations were bad, because they weren’t loved and accepted. A young child relies on their parents for survival, so strong disapproval can feel like your survival is threatened. I learnt to believe that I’m only safe if I meet their expectations.

So my parents had unknowingly primed me to see these things as acceptable behaviour from someone who “loves” me:
• Rejection of the parts of me they don’t like
• Making me feel bad for the parts of me they don’t like and not valuing me for who I am
• Dismissal/making a joke of my feelings
• Expecting me to take the blame/responsibility for their feelings and actions
• No respect of boundaries
• That their feelings/wants are more important than mine
• That I need to keep them happy (and be who they want me to be) to be safe

Although I wouldn’t describe my parents as abusive, that list sounds a lot like a checklist for abusive behaviour. Sadly my ex used this to suck me into the FOG of abuse. It probably wasn’t very hard!

I bet my experience growing up is far from uncommon and I bet there are loads of women out there with similar experiences who have been lucky enough to never be targeted by an abuser. But I think they’re luckier than me rather than having some special immunity from abuse. However, the abuse has given me reason to look at what I thought was normal, that would always have caused some level of unhappiness even with a non-abusive partner. I’m hopeful that I now have an awareness that I can use not just to avoid future abuse, but to build happier, healthier relationships. Does anyone else have a similar experience?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi ISOpeace

that list all does sound like abuse in a power dynamic, and yes, parents hold power, and yours overstepped boundaries to wield it abusively against you and your brother. I am sorry you experienced that childhood, but whats clear is that you are so aware and insightful of it, and its potential to be further abused when/if unlucky enough to run into another abuser.

What I’ve come to realise from my own situation and from hearing so many others is that an abuser will exploit whatever weaknesses they can find, and being hunanl, we all have them. For sure some are more resilient than others, and don’t have the unhappness and fear within an abusive family, but there really does seem to be a trend for the abuser to hone in very early to any frailties and vulnerabilities with which to use against us. I’ve heard it time and again that the abuser seems to repeat their pattern of behaviour based on what hurts the most. Very specifically what shouts this loud and clear is the way abusers will consistently hurt and use the children in order to cause pain, distreess and exert control over the mum. They just know how to exploit in the way a doorstep or internet conman will manipulate and pick up on any cues to abuse.

I hope your insights will keep you strong, as it often also happens that women from abusive families learn from their experience and can spot abuses too, and become very clever and detecting them because they have such experience of them.

I’ve only ever heard that its a 50/50 ish split from the research, (un)luck of the draw? Keep strong.

warmest wishes

ts

[ISOPeace]

Thanks for your reply. I think you’re absolutely right that abuser’s explot whatever they can.

It’s hard to say why I wouldn’t call them abusive. I don’t know what the line is between c****y parenting and abuse. I’d see my parents as people who dumped their s**t on me rather than manipulative and controlling, although I can see that I was manipulated into being ‘good’. All parents have control over their kids and pretty much all will at some point be unreasonable and not take responsibility for it. Many, many parents manipulate their kids using threats, punishments, shaming and bribes. That was standard parenting advice for most of the 20th Century. At what point does it become abuse? I suppose there must be a spectrum. It makes me wonder how bad my parents were compared to other people who I would have assumed had a similar upbringing. But maybe the label doesn’t really matter and it’s enough to know that it’s not healthy and respectful. Thankfully as an adult I don’t have a mortal fear of losing their approval and while they’re still no better at dealing with their feelings, their behaviour doesn’t escalate when I assert boundaries. xxxx

[Wants To Help]

Hi ISOPeace,

I can relate in some way with what you say as I reflect on my upbringing.

I had a very happy childhood and I look back on it with fond memories and wouldn’t change it for the world. I was also brought up with strong boundaries, and if I broke them I was punished. This could mean being smacked or not allowed out to play with my friends. I could also be sent to my bedroom for hours and have my tea left outside my door. I grew up accepting this, and for my era, this was ‘normal’. When I was smacked, the smack was ‘to teach me a lesson so that I learned how to behave and not to repeat what I did’. Whatever the punishment, it was for the same sort of thing – to not defy them and to live by the boundaries. The ‘boundaries’ were there to protect me and keep me safe. In my adult life, they were not unreasonable boundaries at all and I can now see why they were there, but as a kid and a rebellious teenager I thought they were there to ruin my life and make it as miserable as possible!

Despite being smacked, I knew my parents did it ‘for a reason’, I knew they still loved me and that I still loved them. I accepted it. As a result of my upbringing, myself and my siblings grew up to be decent, hard working, law abiding people and all of us are decent members of our communities and will help others. My friends are the same. We are the era of people who now joke about the smacks we had and why, and we say that our upbringing never hurt us and we’re glad we had it. We are from the era where teachers could punish us with violence too and could physically remove us from a lesson. We are from the era that, as teenagers, we had to take responsibility for our behaviour as actions had consequences, and sometimes the consequences hurt.

Some years ago, it did get me thinking that this could explain domestic abuse and why some people think it’s ok. Even though I am completely happy with my childhood and wouldn’t change it in any way, I grew up in a world where it was ok for an adult to be violent with you as a child if:

a) you didn’t do what they said (and you’re right, if they wanted you to do something it had to be instantly.)
b) if you did something they weren’t happy with (misbehaved in some way)
c) stayed out longer than you should have done

Also, if I was told to do something and questioned it, I was met with the reply “Because I said so” and that was final. No discussion to be had at all. It was always an order not a request.

Then suddenly, we become adults and our parents no longer treat us like this. It’s as if the magical age of 18 changes everything and it is no longer acceptable for our parents to smack us if we don’t do something or come home late. For me, the last time I actually got smacked was when I was mid teens. By the time I was 18 I was in a responsible job, driving, independent. My upbringing had worked in a sense as I was reliable, grounded and lived by rules and punctuality. But I have to question in this day and age… was it right?

From my era and experience, the boys got violently punished harder, and usually by their dads. So what they have learned is that in order to get someone to do what you want them to do, when you want it, you control someone with violence if they don’t comply. The same applies for when they do something you don’t want them to do. They have probably grown up watching their sisters being smacked by either mum or dad, so through violence, they watched women start to conform, and they learned from that.

Having said all that, my brother has been married for many, many, many years to the same woman and they are happy and it appears to be a very equal relationship with no violence.

Anyway, that is my thought on it and I’m not sure if any studies show that there is a link between ‘parental chastisement’ and ‘domestic abuse’.

Is this why women ‘accept’ the violence from the man that they love, that they ‘accept’ they have done something that’s not pleased him and he has a right to punish them? Is this why women accept that the man who harms them does it for ‘their own good’ and he still loves them and they still love him? Is this why we think that we ‘must try harder’ to ‘be good’ and to please them at all times?

My ‘parental chastisement’ was a short, sharp smack that stung. It might have left a red mark for a while but that’s all. In today’s world it is a criminal offence of an assault. So when my abuser would hurt me, it was on a par with this that was within my boundaries of ‘acceptable’ behaviour within a relationship. Back then I had no DA training or knowledge. My boundary of unacceptable was when he left bruises on me, and thinking about it now, my boundary was when he hurt me beyond a level my parents did! Wow, I’ve literally just realised that.

[ISOPeace]

I found your reply really interesting. It made me think how much we minimise our own experiences – what you described about “discipline” sounded horrible to me and worse than what my parents did. But then you said you had a happy childhood and that you knew your parents loved you. If I’m honest I wouldn’t say the same. My head would say they loved me but I wouldn’t say I felt loved. Maybe my childhood wasn’t as normal as I thought.

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