This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Chestnut 1 month ago.

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  • #111582
     Sunshinexxxx 
    Participant

    Hi I’m new here. Have read lots about abuse and know my partner of over (detail removed by moderator) is an abuser. I did go to a refuge about (detail removed by moderator). And also about (detail removed by moderator) I made him leave and he was gone (detail removed by moderator) but we always got back together. He is very convincing. I regret so much getting back with him. He has not physically abused me for a long time but still verbally and emotionally abuses me. During lockdown he was between unbearable and drunk/wasted.
    All the time I’m thinking I don’t want to be with him. I just don’t have the courage to tell him plus we are not in financial position for him to move out. My children are all grown only one is living here, so I could go stay with relatives for a while if I needed to. I am working up to telling him I want a separation. He has health conditions (detail removed by moderator). He takes meds and doesn’t suffer too badly with them. But he also gets pain which he won’t see dr about at the moment because of covid. He wakes up in the night and can’t sleep. He finds it hard to go to work. He is fatigued. He says smoking w**d helps with pain but he was constantly smoking it and the house stank and I could smell in the garden. I told him this and he hasn’t had any for (detail removed by moderator). Although many snide comments about other smells in the house and how I don’t care about his pain and I’m a liar about smelling in garden. He keeps saying he needs a carer. I do everything for him. But he doesn’t ask me for something, he will say something like ‘ I’m in so much pain’ rather than can you get me some pain killers. Or ‘I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast’ rather than can u make me some food. Sometimes he says I don’t care about him and do nothing for him. Sometimes he is very caring and stays up so I can get a good sleep before my early shifts. We do have a spare room and I have tried to say I’ll sleep in there but he won’t have it. Other times he will moan about having no sleep or moan he’ll be on his own for hours while I sleep and work. There’s no winning with him whatever I do is wrong. I know that. I have stopped caring. I am a people pleaser I’m trying to stop.
    Past few weeks I’ve tried to disengage and he knows as he says he can feel something coming (detail removed by moderator) how he refers to our previous split.
    All his anger ( there is a lot and not always at me sometimes at tv) not sure if his meds/(detail removed by moderator) make it worse? He turns all his anger around on me, you pushed my buttons, I was ok til you came home. I cope with it because I know it is abuse and it’s not me.
    So (detail removed by moderator) I had decided I was going to tell him I want to separate but I just couldn’t do it. I’m thinking I will have a glass of wine ( I don’t normally drink very much (detail removed by moderator) and it will give me a bit of courage and try again. I know his reaction. I will say he doesn’t have to move out we can try living separate in same house. He has no money to move anyway. I have packed a few bits in my car in case I need to leave. I think I just live with things to keep the peace but I hate myself for putting up with it and can see my life being nothing but this. The house is in my name.
    Has anyone tried separated living in same house?

     

  • #111584
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hi Sunshinexxxx, I lived with my ex for a while whilst going through the divorce; it was horrendous. His behaviour swung like a pendulum during that time; he was very unstable. He alternated between hoovering behaviour and anger. Both behaviours intensified beyond anything I had ever seen before and it was relentless. One minute he’d be trying to force me into joint or family activities, the next he’d be furious because I wouldn’t play ball. The attempts at manipulation and coercion were manifest and he knew no bounds. Whilst all this behaviour was going on, he’d be constantly trying to convince me that he wasn’t abusive and that I was mad. It’s laughable really in hindsight that he was trying to convince me that he wasn’t abusive whilst the abuse was ramping up. At the time, however, it was incredibly difficult. I was stressed, frightened and at one point, suicidal.

    From my own personal experience, I would say it is not possible to live together and be separated. I don’t think he will see you as separated and nothing will get better, it will only get worse. It could be very dangerous for you, even if he isn’t actually violent, your mental health and your physical health could suffer, even putting your life at risk.

    Honestly, having been through this, I would say make a clean break. I would suggest that you move out, find somewhere to rent and take your child with you. xx

  • #111607
     Chestnut 
    Participant

    Hi I am going through this. Similarly I am paying for everything he has no money (well he does but not easily accessible) but house in joint names. One main reason I have stayed for years is his health condition. I think you have to be very careful and consider the risks. I was not planning to say anything during lockdown, started talking to close family, friends, I got lots of support in place and they have kept me sane! But it got too difficult not to say anything to him in the end, I had become totally emotionally detached and he guessed. I ended it not after any big incident (which I thought would be the only way I could go through with it). I had just reached the point of I can’t live like this anymore. I felt incredible worried and sick about saying anything but I had told people close to me what was happening and I was lucky they 100% supported me. Living in the house has been very difficult at times. Oddly he had some very strange behaviour a few weeks ago but otherwise it has been “ok” I say that but it’s not enjoyable! I think he has basically discarded me (mentions this in the book). He needs me to pay the mortgage so needs to keep me sweet enough, he has made some outrages claims about me owing him thousands of pounds but I can totally see what he is doing. I feel awful about his health but have basically set him up with what he needs (I can’t go into detail) and left it with him. I have done what I can do and probably way more than I should of, but I know at the end of the day I tried, he is not my responsibility. I felt cold initially but there does come a point! The house is now being sold and actually he has pushed this after I didn’t buckle to me owing him thousands of pounds. It works for me and it puts him in a difficult position but his way of being in control I think but so be it, it will be over soon. I think it can be done if you think you can be safe, if you have good support, somewhere to escape if you need as there is going to be some mind bending behaviour but if it is a step you feel you need to take to get out then it may be right for you although far from ideal! Not sure if helps x

  • #111709
     Sunshinexxxx 
    Participant

    Thx for your replies and incites. I am still working up to telling him and he is being extra affectionate atm he can feel I’m not interested anymore I guess.
    How do you find the courage to actually come out and say it without it being during an argument?

  • #111715
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    I did it compassionately. I sat him down, explained that the relationship wasn’t working for me and that it was time we went our separate ways. He went very pale. He honestly believed I’d never leave.

  • #111719
     Chestnut 
    Participant

    I always thought it would happen during an incident but once I got to the point I felt i needed to end the relationship no big incident happened! I just had become so detached that he kind of guessed and similar to eggshells I said it calmly. There were tears after this but it just hit that point and happened. I had support, I had checked the financial situation with the house, I wrote the list of all the concerning behaviour and I read it and read, I read books, wrote on here. I knew I couldn’t feel like this for the rest of my life.

  • #111744
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Dear Sunshinexxxx

    I can’t see how being separated and living together can work. I’ve never heard any good came of it, only horrendous tales.

    Anything I said would have riled him, I avoided him like the plague, but that also riled him. I just couldn’t have said anything that didn’t.

    Good luck for getting him out.

    Warmest wishes
    TS

  • #112590
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Sunshine

    Short answer is no. I managed about a week with an ex, and he was far from abusive.

    You will never ever feel ‘separated’ while you’re under the same roof. It won’t be like having a lodger in the spare room. He’ll still be the same-old lazy sh*t lounging on the sofa all day while you’re out working.

    You need to arm yourself with financial/legal advice. The house is in your name but he may still have a claim on a share of the assets. It will probably come down to what he’s contributed financially. I have no idea how you can make someone leave ‘their’ home. There will be a way – selling up to force him out, or an eviction notice. You need to find out.

    If you haven’t already done so, leave the big announcement until you’ve got your ducks in a row.

  • #112591
     Camel 
    Participant

    It’s not clear but you refer to him as your partner. Does this mean you’re not actually married? This will have a bearing on what you mean by ‘separation.’

    ‘Separation’ is a legal process for a married couple and you’ll need proper advice.

    For a non-married couple ‘separation’ can be seen as temporary – a kind of breathing space while you evaluate things.

    If you intend to end your relationship with him be sure to use the correct term – divorce if you’re married, split/break up if you’re not.

  • #112616
     Sunshinexxxx 
    Participant

    Hi
    An update… over (detail removed by Moderator) ago I did tell him that I wanted a separation it was during a discussion/ argument over him not accepting my point of view on a quite silly thing. Since then there has been anger, promises, tears, trying to make me feel guilty. He has now also been to drs and has pills for a condition that he says caused him to be this way. I replied other people have that condition and don’t treat their partner like this.
    I have said I want him to move out and he has looked into it a little. Now he is saying we are companions rather than a couple and have been past few years. And we should be separated (he acknowledged we were now separated for this) but living in same house. I said I prefer if you move out.
    Things are difficult in the same house I can feel myself talking to him more rather than grey rock. Today I’ve sat in my bedroom to keep away from him. I feel exhausted today not sure if from work or from all this. When I’m tired my resolve is low. But I know what I want but I think he feels if we are getting on that i can be persuaded to change my mind.
    I know there’s no point going over what has led to this but sometimes it just comes out. All he says is sorry it won’t happen again. But so many years of this and change only happens for a few months if that then gradually back to ranting anger snide comments nothing good enough. Even just living as separated I would be wary of what mood he is in. Do you think it is learned behaviour on my part to be anxious of what mood he’s in?
    I don’t want or feel I should leave my house. I’ve worked hard to pay for it and maintained and cleaned it and he’s done not much and lately nothing. He has paid towards bills but I also have debts of his on my name which I’m paying. If it comes to it I will leave but I will try really hard to stay and he can move out.
    My son is an adult but lives here.
    We have been together ( couple times split up ) for so long that i think of it as are partners so just my way of talking I guess.
    I’m trying to stay strong.
    Thanks for your replies they are very helpful

  • #112619
     Chestnut 
    Participant

    Hello I feel so much for you. Well done on taking this huge and difficult step. I think my situation was pretty similar and although not a good place to be it was step I feel I needed to to take to move forward and I could not leave the home due to being financially tied. Hang in there are you getting some good support? Somewhere to go when things are mega tense? It sounds like you are starting to question yourself a little. Yes you are likely hyper vigilant to his moods due to the history. I would nearly jump out of my skin or feel physically sick at tiny things I had got so used to being on guard. I struggled but really tried to keep the emotional detachment, look at the list of what has happened, read that aha chapter in any books you have read whenever this happens I found this really helpful to re ground me. Our house is now sold I am in the final stretch, I couldn’t stay in the end. I know you would love to keep the house but as long as you get what you are financially entitled to (get a good solicitor) it may be better to leave and starts new (I am). Is the house worth the battle , your sanity, the tears and fear. You are nearing edger to being out of this situation, it is horrible but doable. Keep going. I am sure he is still playing bully games (mine was) but the difference is you know what he is doing, I imagine it hurts like mad but now you know you can not being roped in. Hold your head up a new exciting future awaits and I am excited for you and your son xx

  • #112621
     Chestnut 
    Participant

    Also what helped me is I put a very timeline in place. By this date if we are still not making any progress with living situation I am doing such and such. Don’t let it drift use the momentum you have put in place. He will use every trick in the book. Mine had tears, asked to do counselling, then resorted to me owing him tens of thousands of pounds (I don’t). Moving things throughout the day putting my things in piles etc, denied doing it, some uncoinsious episodes in the middle of the night where I had to intervene due to his health. Your eyes are open X

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