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Will I get ranted at, scolded, humiliated, intimidated, told I am abnormal, can I learn to do things almost everyone does without being judged or being made to feel I shouldn’t do that it’s wrong to….. Show any emotion or feelings or fear. Have a pain killing tablet when I’m in pain. Have sugar my coffee it’s poison. Use cleaning products & perfume it might make someone ill. Put the washing machine or hoover on I might upset someone. Flush the toilet, have a bath, water the garden, wash up, I might use too much water. Put TV on, listen to music, look at a book, sit & do some quiet craft, don’t know if I should too noisy, too much electric. Am I breathing too loudly it might upset someone if I am. That light bulb seems too bright, maybe I better change it, might hurt someone’s eyes. I desperately need to talk to someone I’m so scared, but what if they don’t believe me, what if they tell someone else, what if they take it the wrong way. Mustn’t eat too much, must be careful, but if I don’t eat I will die, if I do eat I’ll only be told I’m fat. I don’t feel well, mustn’t say I’m not allowed to be ill. I need to dye my hair so much grey – but then will be asked who am I trying to impress. I look a mess, should I start to wear make up, no better not I’ll be asked why I’m all dolled up. Should I put the washing on, no machines not crammed full enough yet. Should I go for a walk? But what if a stranger is danger, how do I know who he knew who could harm me. Should I tell my best friend what I now know about dv/abuse I’m so scared for her, he’s doing to her what I had done to me, No better not, she won’t believe me. Can I ask someone to help me as can’t do this on my own, no better not I have to do everything on my own or I’ll be seen as incapable. Can I can’t I. Should I shouldn’t I. set my own boundaries, no that won’t work, someone will tell me I’m wrong. Should I speak up for myself & tell the professionals what he did, all he did, all that intense fear, No better not they won’t believe me anyway. Should I put myself in danger, push myself so much to counteract my fears, I can’t I just can’t face genuine danger and act like I’m made of steel. Should I venture to places I know are not safe to go, I don’t think I should go, I’m weak & vulnerable I wouldn’t cope if someone attacked me, I couldn’t even run, I’d freeze in fear like I always do. Could I forget about the past and all of his abuse, too scared to in case I miss it in the future. If only I could I would, Why is this so hard to recover from, why to do normal things that normal people do, do I still question myself, am I normal. I want to be quiet, not socialise a great deal, I don’t trust anyone anymore, I want to be well again, I want to work, I want to stop shaking, I want to be like others, I want to smile again. First need to regain my confidence that he so cruelly took away, regain me as a person, to be free of his dreadful lies, his constant losing everyone from my life as they all believe him, It’s what he does portraying that everything was my fault, He never tells of the restrictions he placed or how weak he made me, to a point I couldn’t physically do it, To a point I was completely under his control. Now everyone believes him, sees me as weak and pathetic. If only they listened, knew how awful it was, how much of a major breakdown its all caused. Having to be so strong for so long, of cause I am weak now, feel like I’ve been fighting for survival the majority of my life, I have, I have had to, Not alot of strength left, but have to keep fighting for survival, Can I, I keep being told I have to. I want to and I need to, and know I have to xx
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Dear Blueberry
the title of your post really caught my attention.
Am I allowed? – like you is something i still continually ask myself inside, and I so feel for you in this, and think you are so brave to write all this out.
I recently visited the docs and continually since ask myself inside am I allowed to ask this, or say that, the continual judgements go on and i do try to fight them, but the brainwashing is very hard to unbrainwash, and must be equal to and greater than the original brainwashing!
Your honesty and openness about your feelings in your post is awesome.
Keep talking and listen to your gut instinct when it comes to being safe, it matters to you more than any other what you do to be safe and doesn’t really matter if others dont get it, they don’t and it gives them no right to tell you what is safe. do what YOU feel is safe only, trust yourself in this if you can allow yourself to?
warmest wishes
XXXKS XX
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Thank You Karmaister, I’m really not brave though, I often write posts and struggle to see through my tears whilst I am writing them, I then read them back & think oh no more spelling mistakes! I want to help as many people as I can, Because before him I had no idea what dv/abuse was. Oh how I know now, I could never understand why he hated me so much, why was he with me, If he hated me so much, which I thought he must, all these rules, I used to say everyone does these things, he was a complete terrifying control freak. I have so very badly lost myself, away but major breakdown. I am so scared to do anything, even things I love doing because I feel I have to justify myself, even why I like things, why should I. Things I don’t like, find myself explaining why I don’t like them having to justify myself. Feeling guilty over how much I love my adult kids (not his) I have always been a loyal person, I was even loyal to him, the man who best me black blue purple yellow & green on the inside, lived on fear of his next emotional onslaught, My hair, my clothes, and you know what I used to cry and feel sorry for him, think he can’t help it, I’d feel angry seeing him abuse relatives beg him to stop, begged him to stop hurting us. He told me he wished I was dead, he’d have a peaceful life then, He was good financially although monitored everything and flew into rants. Can I, am I ever going to recover I will struggle. He even told me what I was and wasn’t allowed to talk about, I ended up saying tell me what I’m not allowed to talk about and I won’t!!! He would never listen if something big upset me, he said you go on, I do now & I did then too, that is what dreadful state he reduced me too, if someone continually tells you, you are wrong and blames you for everything you have to, you absolutely have to repeat and say sorry sorry sorry, no It wasn’t me, why are you blaming me. I just hope that others will be able to find some solace if they’ve experienced anything like it. It is like living in hell, being brainwashed unwillingly xx
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Wow, Blueberry! I am just nodding and clapping. You have said almost everything I have thought at one time or another. Thank you for posting this : )
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Hi Deathangel I am so pleased I can help anyone to feel normal for the dreadful way they affect us, the awful harm they cause, the flashbacks. I could write a hundred more posts, probably write a few books of other things that happened, I have felt so abnormal for so many years, it wasn’t until I got away that I realised the severity or impact it had had on me. I feel so grateful for every single woman who shares their story, it is so comforting to know we can hopefully help each other. More importantly learn from each others experiences so that we hopefully become so well educated that we can somehow not just grow, but in the future continue to help others who need help in understanding and trying to come to terms with it all. Xx
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it must be so heart-warming to you to know that you are being heard now? and noticing the changes already maybe? just finding here is a big step, no matter how long or slow the process of healing.
warmest wishes ks xx
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Hi Yes here helps because I know that it’s not just me. I think from what others say that, that is how most people feel & also how others think oh, it’s just her. I often wonder if everyone has had that same attitude from other people too. I just don’t understand how it all happens & that’s something else that I’m sure we all ask ourselves too. Xx
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