Can I break free and stay free.

[Sugar]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I’ve wanted to post for a while but didn’t know where to start. I’ve been with my partner for (removed by moderator) pretty much all of this time he has been abusive in some way. The abuse became more intense in 2014 when he moved in with me and my two children. He has turned me into someone I hardly recognise anymore. He controls everything I do, he doesn’t like my friends my family doesn’t want me to go out doesn’t like what I wear calls me names constantly and has been psychically violent more times than I can remember. He broke my arm last year as he lost his rag because I allowed my male neighbour to fix my car. We’ve since had a child together. The most beautiful precious little girl which is my strength along with my other two children. When she was 3 weeks old he attacked me splitting my head open with a phone charger and strangled me whilst driving after punching me in the face. I called the police he was arrested charged and sent to prison for four counts of assault. I was so proud of myself for finally making a stand and was beginning to get myself together. Until he started writing to me. All the hearts and flowers, the promise to change, he will do anything it takes and he will never hurt me again. Like a fool I fell for it as all I’ve ever wanted was for him to change his ways. He came out of prison and we began rebuilding our lives. He was sweet, charming, loving attentive all the things he promised. After a few months I let him move back in. Biggest mistake ever! The control began creaping back in, the threats to hurt me, silent treatment, constantly accusing me of cheating. He’s put his hands in me pretty much everyday for the last week and then last night New Year’s Eve my parents visited. He was fine whilst they were hear he drank quite a bit, as soon as they left he switched. Complained he did not want to spend his evening with old people. I became upset because he was being so cruel. He threw me on the sofa and strangled me. My eldest daughter heard and came down. She told him to stop hurting me. He yelled at her! That was when it clicked in me that he really needed to go. He left as I threatened to call the police. I haven’t heard from him since.

I know this has to be it! It’s never going to stop. He’s never ever going to change. Why am I struggling so much to break free from him? I’m so unhappy I don’t how to begin to move forward. I won’t have my children made to feel unsafe in their own home anymore. I just want to be strong. Where and how do I find the strength not to listen to anymore of his c**p and keep him out of my life for good?

[Tamra]

Hi Sugar,

Welcome to the forum.

Your words have shocked me please please get support from the police and women’s aid via the help line. What this man is doing to you and your children is terrible. The trouble is after a split and a get back together situation it gets worse because you have left them before and you have to be punished. well no you dont deserve that. No amount of promises he makes will change this man.
Please do something before possibly something factual happens, he will never change but you can change your situation. I know its easy for me to say but with the right support you can do this.The possible ‘trauma bonding’ is keeping together and you need to heal from this so you can live free from such awful abuse.

Ring the help line ASAP and log what happened last night and anything else from now one

Please take care big hug and lots of love
xx

[Amethyst15]

Hello Sugar,
So sorry to read about this extreme and horrendous abuse. It is truly shocking.You are a very strong lady to have survived so far so when you ask for strength believe me when I say you have it. Yes our hearts want to believe that our love can change these abusers but you have tried to reconcile as any loving person would and you have found yourself in a very dangerous situation . Please report this to the police and get some protection from his return. You have a right to live peacefully and you want to provide a peaceful home for your children because you are a caring, responsible parent. As Tamra has said, ring the helpline as soon as possible too and get advice and support. Others will post advice, too. You have suffered a great deal and my heart goes out to you x

[Sugar]

I think I’ve become so accustomed to his abuse I don’t even realise how bad it is until I say it out loud. Then I feel ashamed for allowing him to do this. When he was released from prison he was given an 18 month suspended sentence which means if he gets in any trouble he would be placed straight back in prison. Which is where he belongs. However, when this happened the police informed social services. They visited me and could see that the girls were very well looked after and fortunately I’ve somehow managed to safeguard them from him. They were happy with him being in prison and took no further action. My concern is if I call the police this time they won’t be so accepting. I feel like a terrible parent and I fear they will think that too. Therefor I cannot protect myself from him. After what happened last night I sat down with the girls and they both said they do not want him to come back here ever again. I have to respect and accept that as they come first. I’m just do worried about how I’m going to manage emotionally. He’s destroyed my confidence, my self worth, my dignity and self respect. I’ve cut myself off from most of my friends as it was easier not to have any and I feel really reaLly lost and alone 🙁 how I’ve managed to get threw this I’ll never know. But it’s all I know now and I don’t know how to change that.

Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to write to me. Please any advice will be great fully received xx

[Amethyst15]

Sugar,
I’m positive you will get ladies posting who will identify with your situation with children and social services and that might clear up a few fears you have ‘re the reporting to the police. As for your confidence and self esteem, it is not surprising you feel alone and isolated. Use the helpline to find out what support is out there. I used my gp who was great but I missed out on specialist DV support and you need to be able to talk to someone who understands the trauma you’ve been under. To survive what you have takes courage and resilience, you are stronger than you think you are. I hope you can reconnect with some friends so you feel less alone. As you gain advice and support you can begin to rebuild slowly but surely. Hoping for a better future for you x

[Sugar]

Thank you again. I have spent the eve reading other peoples stories on here and I do get some comfort in knowing that you understand what I’m going threw. I’m still in shock about yesterday’s events. Although I’m unsure why. I can’t remember the last time my body was bruise free. He threw his mobile phone at my leg the other day so hard the bruise is horrific. I can’t lie on my left side because it hurts so much. I want to go to my gp but I think if I start to talk I may fall to pieces completely. My anxiety is so bad I’ve started having intrusive thoughts about the craziest things and I have nightmares of him attacking me pretty much every night. I can’t remember what it was like to be happy and confident. Feels like mission impossible to ever get back there. After he abuses he’s always so sorry and almost sickening with his I love you’s and how much he adores me. Those moments seem to have such power over me as all I crave is for him to love me and not want to hurt me again. What a mess!

[Amethyst15]

Heartbreaking Sugar, that you have suffered so much. Please contact your gp. Like you, I thought if I go I’ll break down and then what will happen but it was the start of me owning up to the abuse and where I was at. I needed medication to help with the extreme anxiety but my gp couldn’t have been more understanding. You truly need care and support and it can be there for you so I hope you can take this next step. Sending you a massive hug x

[Sugar]

Thanks for the hug and the words of encouragement. My emotions are all over the place at present. I feel more angry with myself than him and the shame I feel is just terrible. I will make an appointment on Monday. I have hardly slept and I feel so anxious it’s crippling me. How I’m going to get through this weekend I’ll never know. Just wanna curl up in a ball and hide from the world xx

[Moon]

Hi sugar

I totally get where you are coming from, your situation sounds very similar to mine -do you feel like you are on a roller coaster?
I have social services involved with my case due to the current situation that I live in.
It’s so so hard isn’t it, I can’t remember being a time when I was bruise free inside or out 😢
What are we going to do ?
Stay strong Hun
Big hugs xxxx

[Falling Skys]

Hi sugar xx

Welcome to the site and well done for posting it’s not easy.

I have cried with WA, police, rape crisis and doctors. I can only say the treatment and kindness I was shown was outstanding.

Don’t be embarrassed by losing it we need to let these emotions out.

If you report the incident with in 10 days you can get a non mol. order on him and he can’t come to the house.

Don’t consider his feelings put you and your children first.

You have given him a chance and he didn’t take it, is have mine so many last chances, is can’t remember.

Sounds like you have a good mum and dad xx

Stay strong x keep posting x and talk to the relevant organization silence only give abusers power.

[Starlight]

Dear Sugar,
So glad you have made the first step by post by joining this forum and posting. What hou and your children have been through and endured is heartbreaking. These ladies have given you great advice…. Get support. Di it for your children. I am not going to sugar coat it by saying everything will be great once you have taken the next step. Its a journey, but every day is once step closer. Like my support lady said to me, we need to view the healing process as a ladder and each rung up the ladder is a step upward and oneard. I kept pictures of my children close and whenever i feel weak, i look at those faces. They keep me focused now. We want the best for our children, and ourselves. You are doing the right thing by taking the first step.
The reason we want to hold on to these men, is because they have conditioned us into believing we are nothing without them. They strip us of confidence, dignity, self worth. Its all part of the plan. They alienate us from friends and family or any contact with the outside world. This makes us reliant on them for any form of contact, little bits of affection and they control us in every way.
Its because you are so conditioned to being around him for all these things that being on your own seems so daunting. It’s definitely not love! You can with support, get through this. You can find yourself again, learn to build your self confidence and self love and connect with your inner self. Slowly but surely you can build on relationships with family, friends new and old. It just takes baby steps, one at a time.
You will all be so much happier in the long run. You can always count on the lovely ladies here for support. They have been really helpful and insightful to me.
Big hug to you and remember.. You can do this! Xx

[Serenity]

Hi Sugar,

First, don’t look back and judge yourself for taking him back, etc. This will decrease your self-esteem and make you feel less worthy of getting out of this situation. Guilt can dissipate our sense of empowerment and make us feel we don’t deserve to get out of a situation.

Women who haven’t been in an abusive situation may not understand how difficult it is to extricate yourself from these monsters. They catch you with beautiful words and promises. Then they ‘trap’ you by moving in, sharing bills and finances, or having children with you, so you feel you can’t escape easily.

Added to this, there is the traumatic bonding : they have somehow, by lessening your self-esteem, made you feel you can’t survive without them, or even without the abuse, in the case of some ladies, as the abuser has made them feel this is all they deserve or that this is the only option for them.

You are asking how you can be strong and get him out of your life for good: after living with an abuser for many years and making excuses for him so that, in the end, he nearly destroyed me, I would say that you need to keep reminding yourself everday that the ‘nice’ side of him is only a mask for the horrible cruelty and darkness than lies beneath.

This is the hardest thing for us women to face: that the man we loved and whose children we had is not who we hoped and dreamed that they were, that the ‘nice’ times were only our ‘reward’ for being submissive and a ‘good girl’ or manipulations to gain something from us, and that the real them- the angry, jealous, envious, selfish, cruel, out of control, sadistic or even psychopathic them- will always show itself. It has nowhere to go. Abusers don’t admit fault to themselves, so they are largely unwilling to do the heavy psychotherapy work needed to change ( and even if they engage in years of psychotherapy, it rarely works- in 00.1% of cases).

Even when he cries and pleads and ‘admits’ responsibility and claims deep-felt remorse, it is for show and it is not deep-felt.

Abusers don’t lose sleep at night over the pain they cause other people. If they were the kind of people who felt terrible about hurting other people, an had a healthy conscience, they wouldn’t be able to hurt someone like that in the first place, or the huge remorse they felt at doing it would prevent them from being able to do it again. They lose sleep at night over the consequences their actions will have for themselves. That they will have to move out, to go to prison, to lose the supply of a hardworking and attentive wife, or the status of a family which helps them to feel and appear normal to the outside world.

It is the bitterest pill to swallow to have to accept that we aren’t our abuser’s priority: they themselves are. They will always put themselves and their own needs, impulses, weaknesses and tactics first.

In continuing to be with them, we are continuing to be caught up in a huge labyrinth of dehumanising abuse, whose tendrils eventually begin to suffocate and effect our children and our extended family. The abuser doesn’t want to change: he wants his power and control to spread- he is just using the language of remorse to get you to believe his lies again.

Sugar, you and your beautiful children are worth so much more. Believe me, I have been where you are. I am not out of it completely yet, even though I have recently managed to divorce my abuser, but he ( who I believed to be my life ) does not feature as he did, and I never believed that could ever happen, as he had such control over me and my head and my emotions. But it truly has happened. I was told by a lady on this forum, when I posted a post similar to yours, that our abusers may not ever truly get out of our heads, but they become ‘small’ in our minds, and thT can be true for you, if you keep posting for support here, on Women’s Aid, and try to access local DV support, DV counselling and groups to help you. I. Tease in self -esteem end knowledge about abusers’ tactics.

Women’s Aid helpline can refer you to this support.

It will be a long haul, but you will come out the other side, as I have done xxxx

[White Rose]

Hi there.
I’m not going to add anything else to what the othes have said. I agree and identify with it all.
I’m simply going to say read and re read what they’ve written then look at the question you posed as the title of the thread and answer it with a “yes”.
You can do it. Take all the help you need in the process xxxx

[Lisa]

Hi sugar,

Welcome to the forum, what a brave first post, that must have taken a lot of bravery to write.

You have described some serious abuse and it sounds like you have lived with a high level of abuse and still continue to do so. It is completely normal to have the fears that you have about telling professional services about what is happening, especially after everything that has happened, but please don’t worry about how they will react. You have proven to social services in the past that you ca protect your children despite what you are going through which they should take that into account. Plus they will help you to make the important steps to keeping your partner away from you which is what you need. Another point to consider is that if social services and the police don’t have the most recent abuse logged and in the future your partner goes for joint custody, then there will be less evidence of what has been happening than there should be and that might work in his favour. I know it is scary but they are there to support and protect you. Making these vital steps make be just what you need to stay away for good.

You have been so brave by coming on here and talking about this, please continue to do so. You have had such great support from the wonderful women on this forum, I hope you can find the next lot of strength to make the next step.

Good to have you with us Sugar.

Best wishes

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[katielove]

Serenity,

I agree with so much that you write. The more I read this forum, the more and more everything is repeated. Abusers all act in the same way and we all respond in similar ways. It is just so sad.

We can all recover to some extent nut I wonder if I will ever view men in a positive way again. I cannot ever see me allowing myself to choose someone else as I have messed it too many times. My most recent ex almost finished me off. Although I have done lots of positive things since leaving,I am still terribly lonely.

Take care and know that I really value your wise words and reassurance.

KL

[Sugar]

Thankyou so much to you all for your kind words and encouragement. The saddest thing for me is that you are all shocked at the abuse I described when actually that is just a tiny fraction of what I’ve suffered. He’s spat in my face more times than I can remember, called me a ugly c**t threw hot food in my face. Stolen my car keys, phone and bank card so I can’t leave. Broke my belongings, thrown gifts I bought him in the bin, poured oil over all my clothes the list is endless. He’s so controlling if my children don’t replace the toilet roll when it’s finished or leave toothpaste in the sink he will complain and call them lazy. He hates my dog, won’t let her sit on the sofa or sleep upstairs as she always did before he moved in. He puts all my friends down and my family. Yet astoundingly when he’s not abusing which is now only a couple of times a week he is like the perfect partner. Loving kind funny great with the girls nice yo everyone. How can one person put on such an act? What does he gain from this? I’ve not spoken to him since he left and I have no intention of doing so. His Aunty contacted me today to tell me she has been speaking to him and that he’s very upset by what’s happened. She knows what he is like and is very supportive to me but at the same time I feel like she’s trying to get me to talk to her with the possibility of talking to him. She was someone I confided in and I now feel like he may be trying to get her to collude and condone his behaviour. I haven’t replied to her as I’m unsure of her intentions. Feel do stuck. Not sure where to turn next xx

[Tamra]

Hi Sugar,
The more you say the more I wont to say please please dont take him back, I understand thats easier said than done but hes an awful man and is crushing you and your children. You all deserve to be happy and free from the awful behavior he is inflicting on you. He may show some kindness a few times a week but I bet your still walking on a knifes edge just in case.

Im sooooooo glad you came on this forum as that shows strength, courage and that you are on your way to be free.

If you think his aunt has other intentions than your best interest at heart then I would go with that, gut feelings are the best way to understand how you are feeling and what your picking up from others, however you know her better than i do.

Stay safe and again please ring women’s aid for support

Big hug
xx

[Serenity]

Hi Sugar,

Please don’t get swayed by his auntie.

This is textbook perpetrator behaviour : when they know they have burnt their bridges with you, they then go to someone who they think you will listen to but will be likely to also fall for their sob story: these people are their ‘flying monkeys.’

The amount of women on here who have written that their abuser has done exactly the same. Either this, or abusers ( denying any guilt and blaming you) try to befriend your friends and family and turn them against you!!

Listen to your gut. Believe what we are saying: he is abusive, and there is no excusing what he has done. Proof of his manipulative personality is that he is getting a ‘messenger’ to do his dirty work.

He really isa to g according to a pattern. I would recommend doing a Pattern Changing or Freedom course, offered hopefully by your local services. There, you will be sat in a room with other lovely women who will say that their abuser sounds exactly like yours.

Except, Sugar, the physical violence within your relationship is severe, maybe more severe than some.

Where you might want to turn next is to ring Women’s Aid and tell them your situation, and they should refer you to local help, with real, living supportive people.

The National Centre for Domestic Violence can help you with issues such as your rights, and an injunction if this is needed later on.

I forgot to say earlier that the next step for you needs to be ‘No Contact.’ I know this seems unrealistic and impossible to many women, but it was my salvation, and it is possible. It is the only way that you will begin the journey of rediscovering your peace, your self-esteem and confidence, and begin to find yourself again. It happens slowly, with support, but when you do find her, it is like seeing an old friend that you haven’t seen for years.

Just after my marriage ended, I read what I thought were trite comments on websites, saying ‘You need to love yourself first before you can be in a healthy relationship’ or ‘you need to be your own best friend.’

But this is in fact what happens. You need to allow yourself to go through the process- the pain, the tears, the fear, the agony- and don’t go too near people who are judgemental and unsupportive (it is imperative to surround yourself with supportive people at this time who support your plan of action ( for example, distance yourself from his auntie ), but through time and support and putting barriers in place ( the No Contact rule ) you will find a strength you never knew you had, and through fighting for what you know is right you will discover your courage.

It is a huge cliche, but you really will become a stronger person for it. More resilient and less rules by fear. Abusers make us fear the world. We don’t need to.

I think some people who have suffered abuse become hard and untrusting. I really aim to not be this, to not lose my empathy for people and my trust in the existence of good in the world. I really hope that I will now not be the people-pleaser that I always was, letting people trample all over me, but that I will be able to be more assertive and carry on helping people affected by abuse and signposting them to help!

The negative side of our experience is that we have been harmed and that we have had our rose-tinted spectacles taken away, and have had to learn how some people on this world are capable of horrendous cruelty towards others. The positive side is that, through our suffering, we also become aware that there is more strength and courage in some people than we ever imagined, and true goodness in some. The good side is even better than we imagined! And we discover, like the lion from the Wiz of Oz, that even though other people told us and we told ourselves that we were weak, lacking in strength and courage, that in fact we had courage hiding away inside all along.

Katie Love, thanks for your message.

It is so easy, when we are abused, to believe we were abused because we are the people we are. Like we are lacking in value, that there is something wrong with us. It is heartbreaking, but at the same time comforting, to see how abusers all act the same, according to a pattern. It makes us realise that the abuse is truly because abusers are programmed a certain way. That would have been- and will be- like that with any other woman.

My ‘perp- radar’ is quite active nowadays- I can spot a perpetrator a mile off ( I hope!). They all act according to the ways outlined in the Pattern Changing programme.

I had some close contact with an abuser ( a family member ) during the Xmas period. I was able to witness quite a few of their negative traits because this person got upset about something. I realised how this person was a carbon copy of my ex : inflexible, not being able to cope with not being centre of attention, abusive to partner, able to switch the charm on in a second when the audience changed, controlling of children, treating children and partner as slaves and mere extensions of themselves, interpreting harmless actions of others as huge slights to themselves, having to ‘punish’ people in order to regain their sense of power and composure, anti and prejudiced against everything ( church, race, sexuality ), covetous with money, giving shabby gifts ( usually their own cast-offs) but expecting great gifts in return, or showing obvious disappointment and ingratitude at gifts received, or even the failure to give gifts ; the rage that was far beyond what the situation warranted, etc..

They all act the same. For whatever reason, these people are unable to properly love others- not just in a romantic relationship, but in a parental, friendship or public relationship. Their concern for themselves and their need to always be ‘taking’ from others gets in the way. They can’t have a proper relationship, because they don’t see others as equals: they tell themselves that, despite their perceived faults, they are better than others and that their behaviour should be excused and their superiority recognised. They can’t bear to not believe that they are amazing and important. Other people are, to them, a means to an end. You won’t get an abuser valuing you for virtues such as being a good mum, daughter or sister, having a social conscience, raising money for charity, treating pets lovingly, having altruism and love for other people, etc. These things ( which normal people value, and which we imagine the man in our life would value) in fact irritate and anger them, firstly because these things aren’t focused upon them , and secondly because they know they don’t possess such qualities themselves, and they hate you for being good, because they want to be better than you and admired by you- how dare you highlight their faults by being good!

Abusers will value you for putting them first, cutting off other people, acting as their support act, helping them maintain their good public image, allowing them to treat you like rubbish when their need to abuse appears ; they will value you for keeping quiet, for being submissive, for treating them like a God, even though they don’t deserve it ( you should, apparently, put up with their abuse, if you love them like you professed you did).

Katie Love, my own personal view is ( post-abuse ) is that there are a lot of damaged people or people who were born nasty out there, unfortunately, but there are also people out there like us, who only ever had good intentions and hate hurting other people, and don’t want to control people. Some of these nice people are men, some of whom may have even be abused by a woman. Finding a truly kind person who we can trust enough to be in a long term relationship with isn’t as easy as we maybe first thought, because it involves seeing past the initial honeymoon phase, or cyclical, charm and seeing how these people behave in different situations, how they react under stress, how they treat other people, etc. It involves taking things slowly, not allowing ourselves to be manipulated, being alert to the red flags of perp behaviour, not thinking too well of people until they have proved it!

Sorry if I have gone on!

X*x

[Sugar]

Aggghhhh please I feel like I’m going to go insane! I blocked him from every point of contact apart from email as I don’t know how too! I just checked my emails and stupidly I opened one from him saying that he knows who I’ve been seeing all along behind his back and that he was right all along!!! Omg I’ve never ever and would be too scared to even think about it!! Is this a game? A tactic? I want to respond and defend myself sooo badly 😢😢😢😢

[Tamra]

Yes its a tactic to get you to have contact so he can get in your head

Please contact womens aid help line do not delete that email please keep it as evidence

xx

[Sugar]

I feel like I’m going out of my mind x

[Sugar]

I’m at actual breaking point. I don’t know what to do with myself 😔 don’t know how I’m going to get threw the night! My anxiety has gone right back up. I feel so anxious. Why is he doing this?! It’s so cruel

[Tamra]

Sugar
I hear your pain right now and I know it’s hard.
If you can ring the helpline as they will talk you though your thoughts and emotions.
You will be ok trust yourself you are a wonderful woman. Give the help line a call nothing will happen they will just support you right now.
Xx

[Lisa]

Hi sugar,

Did you manage to get through the night? I am really sorry to hear that you were feeling so bad. Please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, they have trained, professional support workers who will understand exactly what you are going through and be able to give you information that will help you move forward from here. Sometimes just speaking to someone directly can make all the difference.

I hope you feel better today. We’re all here for you, you’re not alone.

Best wishes

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[Author]

Posts