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    • #132455

      I have been getting my support network in place, through Women’s Aid and other sources, legal advice as well. I feel I have a real chance of breaking away from him.

      What I am now stupidly struggling with is he is behaving so calmly, he is also coming across as vulnerable. How does this happen! I know he is abusive (he has been for years, on and off in most ways, he hasn’t hit me, pushed or shoved yes, he has hit walls near me or stood there blocking my way out with his fists clenched).

      The trauma bond we have is strong (together for (detail removed by moderator) and I still feel a pull on my heart as once all the legal stuff is in place (soon) he is going to Behave in a shocked, hurt and present himself as a victim and I will be the perpetrator in his eyes, (detail removed by moderator), that’s what he says. (detail removed by moderator), he often says that when he is in calm mode. If he goes into aggressive mode then he is capable of anything which is why I am putting things in place to keep my children and I safe.

      Sorry to go on, I tried before to divorce and put things in place and he managed to completely stop me in my tracks (I was worried he would hurt himself, then he punished my children and I by stopping any money, I cannot work due to SEN child who needs me a lot of the day/night, my child has also said she’s worried (detail removed by moderator).

      I need to find the strength to push forward, I have support for the first time yet am still terrified and anxious of the unknown behaviour which will come from him. He has told me he will not agree to divorce, that he doesn’t want life without me (I am aware that’s not a healthy statement yet I still feel responsible for HIS feelings). The situation is so messed up due to years of coercive, emotional, manipulating, lies, me being told I don’t do anything, he does everything)

    • #132504
      Main Moderator

      Hi Hereforhelp,

      This is an extremely difficult time for you. The safety planning to leave an abusive relationship often has so many factors at play, especially emotionally and psychologically.
      It’s great to hear you have various professional support at the moment, helping you see this through. Know that the mixed and complex emotions you have right now is completely expected for what you are going through. Perhaps it would be helpful to speak to someone about this anxiety when it feels overwhelming, to help put things in perspective and receive encouragement.
      You could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website at
      Also, do not feel you cannot call upon your Women’s Aid support worker when you need a bit of extra emotional support and you need some clarity in all the chaos of what you are working through. They are there also to assure you through this challenging time. Do let them know of any threats or coercion he is using towards you, so they also know the risks your facing day to day.
      Take good care and all the best moving forward. Keep posting as well, we are here if you need us!


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