8th November 2021 at 1:59 pm #133683
i hope you are all okay.
i was with my husband for about (detail removed by Moderator) we only got married with an islamic marriage not an english one. meaning by law our marriage wasnt recognised but by god it was.
I face the fear of extreme stigma being held against me as a divorcee and this may affect people wanting to marry me in the future. i want a normal life and i feel i am deserving of a good husband who doesnt hit me.
is it okay if i hide the fact that i was islmaically married to my next partner?
(detail removed by Moderator)
it would mean i would have to look over my shoulder but i believe i deserve a fresh start.
i married my husband as a virgin and he was even jealous over the fact that i even had a bf (detail removed by Moderator)
i am faced with a lot of stigma from everyone saying ‘oh she shouldnt hace chosen her own husband now no one will want her’ or ‘she needs to marry someone from back home and give him the passport then she will get a chance’ (tjese men might leave me or use my past against me)
(detail removed by Moderator) they use my past against me!
which is why i think i can hide it.. i know u all must feel ashamed of me but i feel i may risk marrying someone who wont accept me yet again and then be abused.
not everyone deserves to hear our story and i dont want my story to rule my life.
i have a huge extended family so i would just have to get everyone to not say that i was married.
i was also married during lockdown so wedding was small anyway.
i am planning on changing my name, bank accounts and passport to leave absoloutely no trace of my ex.
i just want a new identity. i dont have the privellege of being in a culkture where duivorve is stigmatised.
i can marry a man from a different city and have a small wedding and not invite my family only my family memebers.
its just what i feel i deserve, my happily ever after.
i would have to fake to being a virgin but theres a chance this can be concealed.
please tell me its okay. i just dont want to have to settle.
ive had people telling me i need to be a second wife (so that means my muslim husband will have two wives) i dont want to be seconf best.
yes i chose an abusive husband but that doesnt mean i dont deserve a nomrla one and in this muslim climate i wont get that if ive been married before.
do u hguys think im capable of hiding this forever?
8th November 2021 at 2:03 pm #133684
(detail removed by Moderator) are decpetive they lie about how many girls they were before marriage and they also get married and have second wives in secret.
if (detail removed by Moderator) knew ive been married before they wont treat me right so this seems the only option.
8th November 2021 at 2:28 pm #133689KIP.Participant
Hey there, you don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want to and please think very carefully about a religion that treats women this way. Take things one day at a time just now. I’d be careful about lying to a life partner. Lies have a habit of being discovered and I’d want to be with someone who cared for the real me. You don’t have to disclose the abuse to anyone. I think counselling would be good for you. It seems you’re looking for validation from a community that are not able to give it. Surely all Muslim men aren’t the same. My abuse left me paranoid and void of self esteem and confidence. Try starting to work on yourself and your healing before thinking ahead to a new relationship.
8th November 2021 at 2:35 pm #133690
I really do want to heal before i start something new.
but i want to hide that ive been married before, i know it might creep up but if im good i can hide this by changing emails, number and my own name.
it does seem unethical but ive always had my past used against me and i dont want what happened to me be the story of my life.
if i hide it ptoperly theres a chance it wont come out.
finding a life partner who will accept me for me may be possible but men from my commuity have a habit of bringing up past (despite what they have done themselves) and use it against women.
i think its possible, people from my community arent so liberal.
so i will be stuck with the really horrid men who would want me as a second wife.
there wont be traces of the marriage as i wasnt legally registered only word of mouth and if i lay low no one will ever know.
8th November 2021 at 2:53 pm #133692
my mum says if ur husband wants to meet the family how will u hide this?
but im thinking my extended family dont give a s**t aout me they just wanna make comments i might aswell act like they dont exist.
i know it sounds terrible but people are aonly around to gossip.
its a big secret to hide but if i do everything to conceal it and get a restraining order from the ex when he comes out from prison i should be able to hide this
8th November 2021 at 2:59 pm #133694HereforhelpParticipant
Hi there, I would worry you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself with lying low, covering your tracks in the hope that your next partner doesn’t find out. Take good self care and heal on your own as much as you can and see how you feel at a later date.
I and all the women on this forum wouldn’t judge you whatsoever for not wanting to disclose your past, that’s your choice and you do not owe anything to anyone ❤
8th November 2021 at 3:08 pm #133697
i just truly know its my only chance at happiness and a new life without abuse.
all ive ever known of was my past to be used against me.
(detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator) hacent moved forward but due to my cultural and islamic beliefs i have to marry again into this. i know i feel like im putting alot of pressure on mysself but ive barely even lefty the marriage its just been recent and i am already treated as an outcast so i just feel its necessary.
i know its a big lie to hide but it is possible right?
i will begin to date again once im healed and i want to be a new person, i dont want to feel like a victim. i want to be a survivor who has a new better life.
8th November 2021 at 3:14 pm #133698gettingtiredParticipant
Hello, everything sounds very stressful for you right now. It sounds like you’re getting ahead of yourself panicking and analysing what may or may not happen which sounds like anxiety (I do the same). I’m not saying your worries and fears aren’t valid btw! I’m not from a Muslim community so please forgive me if I’m being naive but would there really not be a Muslim man willing to marry a woman who has been married (not legally bound) already? It seems very unfair considering how your ex abused you and is now in prison for that abuse I assume.
I know it’s easy for others to say you shouldn’t have to put up with that and to leave your community but of course it isn’t that easy as you’d be leaving your family and everything you’ve ever known!
We won’t ever judge you here. Please look after yourself and remember we are here for you on the forum xx
8th November 2021 at 3:31 pm #133699
thanks for your response and support!
i am very ancious by everyones olden day opinions, but unofrtuantely it is the case.
i am yet to meet someone who has accepted a divorcee.
men from my community just prefer women to be pure although they do whatever they want before marriage. its a huge double standard.
if i tell thr truth about my past yes someone may agree to marry me but they will most definately hold it against me and treat me like a second class person. they may even threaten to get another wife because i slept wirth my ex hubby.
like even my ex judghed me for having a bf befor him although he had so much gfs and slept around.
like he was the only one who had sex with me and he hated me for beinf kissed by someone else.
yes hes in prison for that reason.
the thing is gettingtired my ex used to say if i ever leave him no one will want me again because i was mafrried before but for him it would be easy to move on.
as much as i want to think hes wrong he is completely right.
hes not the first person whos said that it would be hard once i have this divrice stamped across ny forhead.
i have no children by my ex but i had a miscarriage before which may come up on records but stil i know its possible to hide. if i marry someone who isnt controlling they wont pry as much as my ex did.
sometimes i wish i was from a more accepting ethnicity. i would have left him sooner. the thought of being a divorcee scared me so i stayed. as i thought no one will ever love me again.
but the fact that i can hide it gives me hope i have the chance of happiness again.
its not the ideal situation (detail removed by Moderator)
i am hiding my ex marriage for safety and not being exploited.
(detail removed by Moderator)
i wont be able to marry from a different community or religion so thats why i must hide this.
(detail removed by Moderator) i am saying this as muskim woman.(detail removed by Moderator) it hurts me alot and i know there may be goodd people but i havent met any
8th November 2021 at 3:35 pm #133700
i feel so let down by everyone in my community i thought i would be protected if i stayed with my husbands parents but they also joined in on the beef and enjoyed me getting beaten up. hell they even hit me too,
if i ever got beats my mother in law would say i deserveed it because i wasnt respecting him.
im so let down so i might aswell lie because these people are all backwards.
8th November 2021 at 3:37 pm #133701
lets say i do tell thr truth about my ex marriage there will be my new partner most definately forcing me to say whats happened. if i say it was because of compaitbiliyy issues and lie i will be judged if i say i was abused he will beat me up and see that im a victim and use it against me. i dont win by telling the truth i just trap myself from being explouted again
8th November 2021 at 10:19 pm #133727EggshellsParticipant
It is entirely up to you what you choose to tell people but I would be very concerned about you entering into a marriage based on lies.
Some of your family members have been extremely vindictive and spiteful so far and I wouldn’t trust them not to spill the beans. This will be incredibly stressful for you.
I’m not Muslim and I’m sure I’m teaching granny to suck eggs here but am I right in thinking that there are branches of Islam that are far more Liberal? Can you consider converting? I know I did this with Christianity. I moved from one Christian faith which really holds women in low regard to a different one that treats women as equals.
Please consider getting some counselling before you go into a new relationship with anyone. Try to find a Muslim counsellor who understands your community and the difficulties that you face.
8th November 2021 at 11:17 pm #133729maddogParticipant
I too come from a large and extended family. Living with domestic abuse in such a situation is so isolating, no matter our age. The family situation is the problem, not the god you choose to worship. It’s really hard to be in this situation as a female in a patriarchal and often mysogynistic system. Please seek support and help. You’re not alone. It’s horrible to feel excluded from the family who is supposed to protect us.
Please only speak at least for now, to people who understand domestic abuse. So many people don’t understand abuuse, and often our nearest and dearest are the most out of touch.
You can tell a future partner when it feels safe. Take your time. Abuse isn’t your fault. Most religious leaders will jump up and down and tell us they don’t condone abuse of women and children. On the ground it’s different.
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