Can I report my abusive ex-friend to the police for Coercive Control?

[Copperflame]

I had a spate of very nasty messages from my abusive ex-friend (detail removed by Moderator), which have seriously stressed me out. I feel too unwell to go to work today and am seeing the doctor.

I blocked her after receiving the messages, but on my phone, blocked messages go into a blocked message folder instead of the inbox, so I can still choose to view them. Unfortunately I couldn’t resist looking in the blocked messages folder, and I’ve gone and replied to some of them…I know it was foolish of me.

I was still having some self-doubt about whether the way she’d been treating me really was emotional abuse, but after (detail removed by Moderator) awful messages I am in no doubt whatsoever. Her mask has slipped and her claws are unsheathed. The messages were full of the usual abusive stuff, lies, excuses, denying stuff, minimisation, twisting things, playing games, accusations, gaslighting, word salad..Omg you name it, it was all there.

I had sent her a letter setting out in detail each and every abusive incident, point by point and naming the abusive tactics used in each incident of abuse. She says that in view of the content of my messages to her, there is no need for her to read the letter so she hasn’t opened it. She even invited me to go round to her place and collect it!! Needless to say I will not be doing this.

The thing is, if I report it to the Police will they take me seriously? From what I’ve read, the Police still aren’t taking reports of Coercive Control seriously even though it is now a criminal offence. Also this isn’t abuse by an intimate partner but by a so-called friend. Would this still be classed as Coercive Control?

I can show the letter to the Police as evidence. When composing it, I deliberately kept emotions out of it. I listed all the incidents of abuse factually and objectively in numbered paragraphs, and in each paragraph I have named all the tactics used.

I also have all the messages she sent, but they are so full of word salad that I think unless a police officer has undergone specific training, he or she might not be able to identify the behaviour as coercive and manipulative.

Has anyone ever reported their abuser to the Police for Coercive Control? If you did, what sort of response did you get? Did they believe you? Emotional abuse is so hard to describe in words, it’s so difficult.

[Borntobefree]

Hi Copperfield
I reported my ex
The police did nothing
They put the blame on me for putting up with the abuse .all I got was why did you not just leave

Police need retraining on all aspects of domestic abuse.. I would still report it hun

[Copperflame]

Hi Borntobefree,

How awful that the police didn’t take you seriously about your abuse. Blaming you for not leaving is terrible and some police definitely need more training. (detail removed by Moderator) unfortunately abusive men exist throughout all social classes and professions, and sadly this includes professions like the police, judges and solicitors. I’m just wondering if you might have had an abusive officer deal with your case to act like that?

I’ve just spoken to the police and and am really pleased to say they they were absolutely brilliant! Feeling both pleased and pleasantly surprised that they took me seriously. (detail removed by Moderator)

Big hugs to you and thank you for your reply.x*x

Phew, what a relief!

[SunshineRainflower]

You 100% need to go no contact with her. Replying is always a very bad idea with someone like this. They play a game and you will never win. The only way to move forward is to block and delete. I have the same issue with being able to see the blocked messages from my ex, however, I changed my number so he’s not able to send them anymore which is wonderful so I don’t check it half as often now.

I’m not sure about reporting her for coercive control, you’ll need to check the law because I think there are restrictions ie. being in a romantic relationship with the person and it needs to be over a certain amount of time from what I remember.

You could however report her for harassment, if the texts continue after you tell her to stop contacting you then ignore her. That’s how I got my ex warned – despite a big document of evidence of coercive control they said they ‘didn’t really know anything about that law’ and it would be more complicated than just going for the harassment side of things. Rubbish but in the end I got the desired result – him to leave me alone.

Block, delete, 100% no contact then if she’s still hassling you report her for harassment.

[Copperflame]

Well I just wrote a long post and my computer froze up so I have gone and lost it!

SunshineRainflower, you are absolutely right. Heaven knows I should know by now that no contact is the only way. She sent some more nasty messages earlier today but hasn’t sent any more since. They get a power trip out of playing games and they are games they aim to win.

I wound my self up into a terrible state this afternoon, only just calming down now.

I know all the theory and know all the tactics, but I don’t always practice what I preach! Abusers manipulate your emotions so that you feel the addictive ‘high’ of intense emotions. They manipulate you so that you are put on the defensive and feel compelled to respond, so that they can then manipulate you further. My problem is that I am very susceptible to that addictive ‘high’ and when I’m in that state I am emotionally very reactive and find it really hard to walk away, even though my sensible side is telling me to ignore it.

The officer I spoke to was very helpful and said I can report her for emotional abuse, but at this moment in time I’m feeling so drained and worn out with it all that I don’t think I want to bother.

I’ve been beating myself up because I took so long to recognise the emotional abuse, or recognise for a long time that I was being used and exploited. With men I feel proud of my ability to pick up quickly on red flags but I totally missed the signs with this.

At the moment all I want to do is crawl into a corner and lick my wounds, but never mind tomorrow is another day x*x

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