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    • #66085
      cassie
      Participant

      Hi,
      I have been with X for (detail removed by moderator) years, I would say that we have fallen out over things in that time, but the last (detail removed by moderator) years have been the worst.
      context, we both work, and own a house together, 50/50 equity, but i paid the deposit and in general am more financially secure.
      He lost a job that he loved and has blamed me for it since (which is ridiculous) regularly blaming me for it. He shouts at me, calling me names. He frequently asks me to bail him out financially, which i (to my regret) have always done, I always offer to pay for things/bills. I also bought him a new car. I throw money at hime to try and appease hism, and almost ‘buy’ his approval.
      He accuses me of having no friends, of being a burden on him and society He criticises me for everything I do that is wrong, and will scream at me, throwing tables over, smashing stuff. He will then manipulate me by withholding affection until I apologise or agree with him. I was supposed to (detail removed by moderator), but unfortunately that his been delayed (due to illness) but i will resume my studies next year, but he will undermine me on my failings as a professional, as he knows it works.

      Seeing how he talks to his parents, and blames them for his life should have been a warning sign.
      I guess this is abuse, at it hurts more than physical pain!

    • #66087
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      Dear Cassie,

      This is abuse, I’m afraid;emotional, verbal and financial, too.

      It looks as if your partner may have targeted you as a bit of a soft touch so he can have an easy ride! At the same time he’s angry and resentful, blaming and undermining you, which is pretty twisted of him.

      When he next shouts and blames and tells you you’re a burden, listen to him with different ears. I think he may be projecting – pushing his own feelings at you. Hear it as a confession about himself and his self-hate. It may make more sense if you hear ‘I am to blame for losing my job: I am a burden.’

      If you stay with him, he may well try to sabotage your studies and career. (Detail removed by moderator), he may make it near impossible for you to get on and succeed. Your success threatens him, it seems.

      Now, you could spend time focused on him and what drives him, but it wouldn’t make any difference. Instead, why not focus on you – your needs, your plans, your future, your happiness? What is he bringing to your relationship that meets your needs or helps your plans or increases your happiness?

      Do you really need or want him in you life? You are under no obligation to him, lovely Cassie; you aren’t his parent or even his wife, are you? His problems are not of your making; they can’t be fixed by you and you aren’t responsible for trying to mend him. He needs help, but not from you.

      You own a house together but that’s way easier to solve than, say, a child. A house can be sold and the proceeds split fairly and you’re free. He my try to cling on, but there is nothing tying you except your endless, expensive, failed efforts to please him. It sounds like it might be time to give up.

      Have you ever talked to him about finishing the relationship? You could tell him that, as he’s clearly unhappy and whatever you do isn’t satisfying him, and his behaviour is impacting on your work and happiness, you think you’ll both be happier apart. If he’s ever been physically violent or threatening, do this in a safe place with people around or in writing.

      And remember, love is shown in actions, not words.

      Flower x

    • #66089
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Cassie

      I am sorry to hear your situation. No, he shouldn’t be blaming you, throwing over tables, trying to scare you.

      Have you had any convo’s about separating before? How have they gone? Do you feel at the point t of needing it to be over?

      You have done well to post and do keep talking we’re all here for you, also the helpline, if you want to go the next step and talk to someone rirl, rather than virtual.

      They will be able to confirm also wants going on and it all helps you to process everything, so you feel freer to make some choices for yourself.

      They will help you make safety plans to get out avoiding further potential harm.

      Do keep posting, it really does help with the working through it all.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #66144
      cassie
      Participant

      THank you both,
      It is rally heartening to hear from people with such good insight and advice!
      I went to see a solicitor about all of this and he cpmpletely flipped his lid, when all I was trying to do was ensure that both of us knew our rights if we split up.

    • #66146
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      Cassie, he isn’t safe, darling. You probably need to stop telling him stuff and plan quietly. I can tell that goes against you fair, open, generous nature, but your safety must come first.

      Big displays of rage with shouting and turning over furniture are common precursors to physical violence. Just because he hasn’t attacked you yet doesn’t mean he never will. In fact, if he’s intimidated you; put you in fear that you might get hurt or uttered verbal threats, including animal noises, he has already committed assault. He doesn’t have to touch you, just make you fear he might.

      As long as he feels totally in control of you, he doesn’t feel the need to go the next step. If he fears you’re thinking for yourself and planning to leave, things could escalate quickly and suddenly.

      I really think a chat with a police expert on 101 would be a wise next step. Make sure to tell them it’s a domestic abuse situation and ask for someone who’s been trained.

      So sorry you’re having to deal with all this. You can be free and happy again, though, if you choose to be!

      Flower x

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