- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago by
Bananaboat.
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28th July 2024 at 7:08 pm #170207
Blossom24
ParticipantHi
I’ve been on here before to discuss my husbands behaviours and ask if it is acceptable or abusive – constantly checking where I am? Who I’m with? How many men are there and are they staring at me? (This was at the (detail removed by Moderator) with my kids) Am I dressed? Who’s been to the house? Etc etc.
although I knew the answer it was reassuring to hear it from others.
however… we’ve just returned from holiday (it was already booked) and I’m questioning myself, could his insecurities be mistaken for controlling behaviour? (detail removed by Moderator) have always been a no go since we’ve been together but he’s come round to the idea ‘if I get some and show him first and get his approval.’ Is that insecurity or control?
also, I’m second guessing whether me leaving is just a selfish act and perhaps it’s not that bad, and should I ruin his life
I’m so confused- please help 🙁
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28th July 2024 at 8:31 pm #170212
Indeepindance
ParticipantBlossom24 That does sound extreme controlling behaviour to me. As someone who has experienced similar grillings I understand how suffocating that feels and if I’d been told I couldn’t wear something I would’ve lost it I think. It’s not like you’re wanting to do anything out of the norm, and even then it would still be your choice and if he didn’t like it he could respectfully recognise you’re incompatible and leave.
It’s not your responsibility to not ‘ruin his life’, he has created the conditions that have brought you to considering leaving him, and no wonder. He has to take ownership of how he’s made you feel with his controlling behaviour and rules. I think we forget we’re grown adults when faced with these expectations, or suppress it for fear of consequences like upsetting and losing our partner or something worse.
It’s definitely driven by deep insecurity I’d say, but the control is the main issue and will not help the insecurity improve.
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29th July 2024 at 10:58 am #170226
Bananaboat
ParticipantIs he displaying the same behaviours with others – like if he’s going on a night out with his mates does he ask a million questions about where to meet, what they’re wearing, who will be there etc? What about work or seeing his family? Someone with insecurities or anxiety would tend to worry about several things, they’d look up a menu before going to he restaurant, work out their route to the pub via maps and have back ups etc but an abuser will say ‘they’re insecure’ but only display that to you or in your home – in other words it’s a cover to control your actions and excuse his.
point two – if he is genuinely insecure, what’s he doing about it? As an adult what help is HE getting, what steps does he need to not worry about you and are those reasonable. Again in abuse actions speak louder than words, so they’ll say I’ll get help, I’ll change, but never do. If the only actions he suggests are that YOU do something, like turn on your location so he always knows where you are then that’s not ok.
Can you live like this without him changing, because if it’s abuse he won’t change (well not for the positive they love to change to get worse) and if you answer is that you’re unhappy then you’re 100% right to leave. We somehow lose the option to decide if we can leave in abusive or toxic relationships. His insecurities and actions are on him, you’re not a safety blanket xx
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