Can someone help me? Controlling ex husband.

[Leafypower]

Hi.

I am a survivor. One of the lucky ones… but need a little guidance.

I divorced my ex husband (detail removed by moderator) ago after the (detail removed by moderator) time he hurt me. He broke my nose when he punched me in my face whilst I was holding my (detail removed by moderator) old baby. I left.

Since then he is very controlling and goes through periods of niceness. (Detail removed by moderator) he turned on me and jumped me and my (detail removed by moderator) daughter whilst we were out (detail removed by moderator). Long story, but he came looking for us. I have never got in touch with the police over the years for fear of repercussions and him turning it around on me. I question myself a lot because he said I did things to him or caused him to be like that (in my heart I know I didn’t… but I’m confused if I did??) I’m scared to take a step further. Anyway, my daughter was scared (detail removed by moderator). It was the first she’d seen of the abuse as she won’t remember what happened as a baby. He was screaming at me and threatening to break my dads (detail removed by moderator) and calling me horrific names. I’d like to get an injunction. How will that affect access for my daughter? She needs to see her Dad when she wants to but I don’t want contact with him anymore. Also, the police are coming to get my statement tomorrow (I have an appt) – things are really going to get bad when he finds out. Has anyone any advice? I’m spending time today making a fairy garden in a big plant pot for my daughter and giving her all the cuddles she needs… but a little guidance for me would be really helpful.

Thank you x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and well done for making an appointment with the police. Can I ask why you feel your daughter has to see her dad, when he scared her so much? Being around an abusive man, hearing those words, the aggression in his voice is seen as child abuse. We were brought up with the lie that children need their father in their life, and that would be true if he wasn’t abusive. She can get positive guidance from other male role models. A good dad would not abuse his child’s mum.
💞💞

[Leafypower]

My goodness me, that’s just made me cry! Thank you for your good wishes. I just don’t want to live with my daughter being brainwashed saying I stopped her seeing her Dad. I won’t be seeing her Dad again (I’ve rang the solicitors today) and my parents won’t play the peacemaker because he has threatened them too many times! I just don’t know what to do for the best! I’m confused x

[KIP.]

Absolutely zero contact with him. Use a third party for anything regarding your child however I’d urge you to cut contact as much as you can. Exposing her to a nasty manipulative abuser is not a good idea. Contact women’s aid and ask your solicitor about a non molestation order. Speak to the police about your safety and his harrassment. The best way is to message him that any further direct contact with you will be seen as harrassment and reported to the police. Then as soon as he contact you again you have proof of his harrassment. What he did to your daughter indirectly was child abuse. Please protect her from this man. It’s not brainwashing it’s protection x

[Wants To Help]

Please tell the Police everything, the historical abuse too. They will arrest him for the assault when he broke your nose, and any other assaults you disclose too. Any medical treatment you got for those will be accessed (if you give permission to get medical records) to use in the evidence to support your statement, and hopefully he will be bailed with conditions not to contact your or come to your address whilst the investigation progresses. Don’t worry about him turning this all around on you, the Police are used to that, the specialist officers who investigate Domestic Abuse know how difficult it is for victims to come forward and their fear of being believed.

As the abuse and violence has been in the presence of your daughter, particularly when you have had her in your arms, this increases the risk factor of the harm you and your daughter are at and I wouldn’t be surprised if you are classed as High Risk on the Police Domestic Abuse Risk Assessment. Children’s Services will be informed and a Social Worker will be in touch with you over the next few weeks to ensure safety measures are put in place. Children’s Services are likely to want you to agree to no contact with him until they have conducted their checks, so from now on, you are entirely justified to stop all contact with this man and your daughter to protect her from witnessing/suffering abuse. Please have confidence in that and KNOW you are doing the right thing.

If your statement contains evidence of assault, stalking, harassment, the Police can deal with all of this. If you support a criminal prosecution and fully engage with the investigation then they can apply for a Restraining Order to keep him away from you. The courts can issue these on conviction and also on a none conviction result too. If there is no prosecution then you can seek advice from DA support agencies to help you apply for a Non Molestation Order. DA Assist are one who can advise on this, also NCDV, just google them for details.

I know that engaging with the Police can feel very daunting and you may feel you are entering in to the unknown and may possibly feel like they are taking control now, but this is all done to keep you safe and protect you from further abuse. There are lots of survivors on here who have involved the Police and found the process was really helpful. Good luck tomorrow, and remember, if things escalate before then you can always call 999 and have it dealt with sooner, you don’t have to wait until tomorrow.

[Author]

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