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Hi, there are a couple of things I would appreciate some feedback on. I had thought for a long time I was being emotionally and verbally abused sometimes by my partner and also stonewalled ( or as he prefers to term it disengaging from my rubbish). Also he has regularly shouted and sworn at me in front of our (detail removed by Moderator) year old son. He tells me that all my sons naughty behaviour is my fault and he will also sit in silence when my son tantrums and is aggressive towards me. My feeling is he is condoning his behaviour by remaining silent. Anyway, it got to a point where I asked at school if they had any advice / resources for how to best deal with my child’s anxiety/ aggression at home ( he never displays this at school) as if it is my fault I need to know how best to help him. Due to one thing and another the teacher I spoke to worked out there was something more going on and suggested I needed to get some help / talk to someone about what she thought was emotional abuse and gaslighting. She found someone for me to talk to but as it went through a central system (mash) it was flagged up to all agencies. Unfortunately due to maybe some miss understanding the police arrived to discuss a incident of my partner hitting my son over his head with an (detail removed by Moderator). This had not happened, I had used an incident where he got cross and swore at me in front of my child and it had involved him chucking his (detail removed by Moderator) back at him with an expletive. So, I am now left with a situation where he knows there is something going on but is not sure what, I don’t know whether to even discuss it with him and he has suddenly become super nice, quiet and calm and is saying he doesn’t want to lose me, wants to be a better parent, partner etc etc. I feel so unsure what to do or what I should discuss with him, if anything, or whether I should talk to him in front of someone else? If this had been a pattern I was used to it would seem easier, but he has never apologised for anything, he just does his stonewalling or character assassination and time passes and then eventually it kind of goes back to normal. But, this is different and I’m not sure if he’s genuine in his wanting to improve how he behaves ( I feel he may not even know the extent to which he does it) or if it’s more a case of realising I finally stood up to things? Can they change with help? Is it even worth considering? This week he is being how he was when I met him but if this is who he is then surely he would just be like it all the time? I’m so confused and my brain is having a hard time remembering how awful it can be. Thank you for any advice.
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Google the cycle of abuse. Don’t ever tell him you have involved an outside agency. It’s child abuse when he abuses you in from of his child and that child is learning that behaviour and thinks it’s okay to abuse you too. Contact your local women’s aid but don’t tell him a thing. Have a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. I’ve been on this site for several years and have never seen one abuser change or one happy ending where the abuser is still involved in the lives of the victim. He chooses to abuse you, he enjoys it, it gives him a sense of power and control. Keep a journal and also write down every incident if abuse you can remember. Abuse always gets worse and it’s insidious. Creeping up slowly so we minimise and make excuses for it. It’s never okay and children from abusive homes are far more likely to end up in abusive relationships as an adult.
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I’d recommend you look up Cycle of abuse. Most abusers aren’t abusive all the time – if they were we would be less likely to put up with it.
The cynic in me says he knows he is now in the spotlight and is modifying his behaviour to make the heat go away. In all likelihood when that happens it will all start up again.
It also sounds like the home environment is creating your sons bad behaviour. He may be experiencing stress, he may be copying his dad, I don’t know.
From my experience of reading about abuse, it is very rare for them to change and to do so they have to seek help. I’ve heard of the freedom programme- that may be worth investigating.
I’d say if he is committed to change he needs to tell you what he is willing to do to support him in making that change.
Lundy Bancroft who wrote Why Does He Do that (great book) also wrote Should I Stay or Should I Go, which may help you decide what you want to do.
Talk is cheap and 2 swallows don’t make a summer. The vast majority of women on here have been fooled into believing their abuser will change only to give chance after chance and nothing gets better – in fact it gets worse.
Also / just because he says he wants to change now doesn’t mean you have to stay. Think about what is right for you, and even if he does make improvements will that be enough for you to be happy or has the damage been done?
It’s not an easy situation but don’t think solely about what he can or can’t do – you have free will too. -
Thank you, I haven’t told him anything but he knows somethings up as the police said that our child must have said something at school, but of course he hasn’t been at school. Why is that an issue if an outside agency is involved? Excuse my lack of knowledge about it all, I thought I was doing the right thing and never expected police. I wanted to gather information quietly so I could decide. Is it also that there is no point discussing how he behaves with him either? Thanks.
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It’s an issue if you tell him there’s an outside agency involved because he will tighten his grip on you and your child. He will also blame you and be even more vigilant and his abuse will escalate. There is no point in discussing it with him because you’ve probably tried to discuss his behaviour hundreds of times and you get gaslighted and belittled and ignored and nothing changes. And he twists things round and he may change for a matter of days but then he reverts to his abuser ways. That’s how he has been and that’s how he will always be. Educate yourself on dealing with an abuser. Empower yourself. Knowledge is Power. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart and abusers will always undermine us.
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@seaglass can you talk to your GP, preferably a woman and get an urgent referral to a domestic abuse service? They can advise you. Definitely don’t tell him anything about outside professional help. I could have written your post a few months ago, the same thing happened, except the police bit. I social worker friend told me that this could happen so I was very careful to let school know I didn’t want or need a referral to outside services. But I already had an IDVA and had already spoken to my GP. So try and get that in place now for your support and also your evidence. I’m going to bump a post about evidence. It sounds scary but if you are to end this relationship you will probably need some evidence to go with any applications you make. Also it will really help you remember, it becomes really hard to remember these incidents because a) they are often so crazy and the warped thinking is so confusing you just can’t remember what has been said/happened as it makes no sense b) PTSD makes us forget and sensitised to it too. The Lundy book is eye opening and light bulb pinging on..you will not regret reading it. Keep posting, its a very supportive forum with loads of women who have been there and done it before us. Sending you strength. xx
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Due to Safeguarding Children then confidentiality cannot be kept at all when domestic abuse is mentioned. Even GP’s have a duty of care now to refer a concern to the local Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub, known as MASH, if a lady reports that the abuse is happening to/or in the presence of children. Schools will always report any concerns of abuse in the home to MASH, so will Cubs/Brownies/Scouts/Martial Arts Clubs etc. Everyone who is involved on a professional level with children have a Duty of Care to do so.
The MASH consists of a team of professionals who will send incidents out to Children’s Services and/or the Police for intervention if they feel this is necessary to protect children.
Your abuser is likely to be on his best behaviour for now due to the fact that professional agencies have become involved. This behaviour will not last. Abusers can change their behaviour if they want to work on it, but to do that, they need to admit to themselves that they are abusers and seek that help themselves. Very few do that because they don’t admit they are abusers. All of their anger and issues are someone else’s fault, therefore, they don’t need to accept any blame for the way they behave. You have already given examples of how your abuser blames other people for things.
Your son’s behaviour is going to be stemmed from what he is being subjected to at home. He is not ‘witnessing’ abuse, he is being subjected to it. Children cannot grow up in an environment of domestic abuse and not be affected by it. You may need to seriously consider ending your relationship with your abuser in order to protect your son. Try and remember how awful the relationship really is, not just the good times that are few and far between. You and your son will both benefit from living free from abuse – and you deserve to.
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We are absolutely out of control, the abusers have taken over and taken control. That’s why we struggle so much, we need to find our ways of taking the control back. Have a read of the Denial to Recovery Pyramid I’ve just bumped up in the Topics list too. I think you’ll identify where you are now, you’re on your way!
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Hi, me again, reading through your past posts, sorry I didnt reply in full before.
I had exact same experience, when my realisation of this started I asked the teacher and got the same reply, I took this information to the GP as I couldn’t work out what the problem was…I was too used to it, too enmeshed to see it.Yours sounds very much like mine, no apologising, they don’t all apologise with grand gestures, I used to years ago get a small chat about “Sorry, but work has been stressful” “Sorry, but my x is hurting “Sorry, but…” You get the idea…..In the very early days i got cards, but that was really early days, they stopped very soon…
“disengaging from my rubbish” – He uses the SAME words to me.
I’ve just been listening to a book on Audible called the Covert Passive-Aggressive N********t it is eye opening and will explain these behaviours you’re talking about. Its not an excuse, what it explains is that they are in control of their behaviour, thats why they change with other people, thats why it makes you feel as if you’re going crazy.
Have you read anything else, have a look on the Book List here. Healing from Hidden Abuse is also spot on. And very appropriate to your situation from the sounds of things…
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Thank you – I have only just seen this post. Yes i listened to the exact same book on Audible! I have found it so hard as it has been a really slow steady drip feed of stuff, never really bad enough for me to really sit up and take notice but a gradual eroding of my life and confidence which i thought was all my fault. x
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I’m sorry what you’re going through seaglass. A din response to your topic- from my experience I don’t think believe they can change. They just seem to get better with their words and their acting. Which leaves us even more broken down when the realisation kicks in that this person really is a monster. X
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