Can you ever forgive and forget?

[Janedoeissad]

I was asked by my counsellor what I want to get from our sessions together.

I said I’d like to see if I could reach a point where I could forgive my ex for how he treated me because by forgiving him, I can forget him, forever.

I just wondered whether that’s an achievable goal or if I’m never suppose to forgive him?

I want to learn the lessons from this and never let it happen again but is forgiving him going against that goal??

[fizzylem]

No not at all; people forgive those that murder their child don’t they sometimes, because they dont want hate in the heart, but only you can work out whether you can or cant, I gave it much thought once and decided no I can’t and it doesnt feel important to me that I do, what was important to me though was to let it go; accept it happened and he is the way he is and this time has now gone; he has no control over me anymore – so getting to this place was important to me. I forgave myself and that was enough for me, before you get to this though you first need to work out why you chose him, what was it about you that attracted him; what parts of you helped to keep it going; and see the abuse clearly for what is was – understand what happened completely and understand the self more so with self awareness.

I will never forgive him, he hurt my child and it has hindered her development and she will take years to recover, but she will be wounded for a long time yet – we’re only just now really coming out the other side after years of grief. I have learnt a great deal about me from him though and I can actually thank him for a number of things, eg. I won’t get caught out again and I have learnt how important it is to always respond to the self.

I can however forget, and have already, I’m sure you will have too; yes there are triggers, but there has been so much stuff that happened I know I’ve forgot alot. I think once you have the life you really want, so you’re happy with where you live, your work, your roles, your friends and family – he only enters your head when triggered and for the most part you do forget; you may find you have a flash back now again, an old memory, and are struck at recalling this now, but it only reminds you of how awful it was and how far you have come; or sometimes when we’re low or anxious about something he can blurr what it is that is really occuring in the hear and now, like the past is with us in the present for a short time, this can take a bit of time to work out but we get there.

Hope you get what you need from therapy; you’re in the right place if you feel you get something from it every session; be open and honest no matter how hard this feels and you will get the most out of it; self awareness arms and protects us and the answers you need to every question already lay within x

[diymum@1]

I get what you mean because I had the same thought about a year back. We’re taught to be the better person. Like fizzy says we know we are made of better stuff. I think first we try to understand why it all happened- work them out then when we make sense of it all we forgive to an extent for ourselves xx because then we can move on. I actually feel sorry for him in that he will never live a full life but hey we can and will again on time xx so we’re better off ❤️

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks ladies.

I am still undecided but through counselling I am processing and learning.

I hope I can at least move on and forget but I think I saw myself as the bigger person for forgiving. From what you have said I can see that maybe forgetting or just feeling pity for him is enough.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi janedoe, my ex says I must hate him because I say I no longer love him. Thing is I don’t. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him at all, I don’t hate him, but I do hate what he did to me and mine. Using energy to hate someone, it’s exhausting. Eventually it has to be let go of in order to move on and live your life. To live hating someone is to still let them into your life, that let’s them still think they’re in your head, which they are. I won’t let my ex be in my head anymore then he has to be.
IWMB

[Janedoeissad]

IWMB I think that’s exactly where I’d like to get to. Where I have no emotion regarding him whatsoever.

I’ll get to that point I’m sure but right now I can sit here thinking of how I can hurt him as much as he hurt me. Then I feel bad and beat myself up.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Jane,

I don’t think forgiveness is necessary, more just making peace with it all so you can move on. It sounds like you’re suffering from ptsd if he’s still going through your head a lot? Is the therapy trauma focussed to help with those ptsd type symptoms? You could ask the therapist about how he’s in your head a lot and see what she recommends.

I’ve found my ex has been in my head less as time goes on, it’s taken a long time though and he’s still in there but it’s not as much or the same as before. I don’t think I’ve forgiven him in the sense that, I just have made peace with the fact that he’s an abuser with no empathy and have learnt and continue to learn everything I can from going through something like that. My issue with the idea of forgiveness is that sometimes it’s connected to this idea that ‘everyone deep down is good’ and ‘we’re not perfect either’ ie. it can be used to invalidate the survivor and even make them feel guilty for not being compassionate towards someone who has done terrible things to them. That’s not to say you can’t forgive them, it’s just a personal choice in my view.

[Iwantmeback]

You’ve hit the mail on the head Sunshine. It’s making peace with yourself, letting go of the, it must have been my fault feelings. It’s only human to want to hurt those who hurt you, but the less I have to do with my oh,the less he’s all I think about.
Be kind to yourself, let these feelings in, it’s nature’s way of processing what we’ve gone through. It will be okay in time, each of us have different time scales in dealing with what goes on in our lives. Just enjoy being away from him,in the here and now. I’m not quite at the stage that I can plan things in the future (as in the next week or month) but I am planning to visit my sister in a few years. Baby steps mo charaid, sometimes we forget those are all we can take.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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