Can you stay friends with someone who stays friends with your abusive ex?? :/

[duvetday]

Hi,
So…first of all I just wanna say I know I am really lucky to come out of an abusive relationship with friends because I know a lot of people become so isolated by their partners that they don’t have anyone 🙁
I am really struggling atm with a situation.. me and my abusive ex had quite a few mutual friends (he definitely did either succeed in or attempt to separate me from other loved ones/friends) and when I left the relationship I lost one of my closest friends at the time (cos she went and spoke to him about what I told her re the abuse 🙁 ) and then I lost other friends who I just didn’t have the emotional energy to talk to at the time and so had to let them go cos they weren’t as close to me and were friends with my ex (even tho they only knew each other thru me). Anyway….so ever since I left my ex I have tried to remain close to someone who is really important to me (detail removed by Moderator) but have gone back and forth with our friendship because he is still good friends with my ex. We have had lots of talks about it because I find it a massive trigger every time I realise he’s seen him. I feel like it totally invalidates my experience of it all. This friend saw me thru all of the really s**t times, has helped me thru some of my lowest lows (and I’m so grateful to him for that), so I just find it so hard that he would still want to hang out with my ex knowing what I’ve told him.
I feel like staying friends with him causes me too much pain and makes me doubt the abuse etc which is really getting in the way of my healing. And yet I really want and need his support and friendship :,( I told him again yesterday that I just don’t think we can be friends atm, but I dunno if that was a mistake. I’m really lucky in that I have a couple of other close friends, but they live far away so I hardly see them.
Does anyone have any kind of similar experience and if so what did you do or what would you do??
An added thing is that his partner is really nasty to him, I’m pretty sure it would be classed as emotional abuse and I’m worried that he doesn’t talk to many other people about it. And so I feel that I’m abandoning him when he needs my friendship as much as I need it 🙁
I guess I feel I have experienced so much loss this year that any additional loss feels unbearable.
Thanks for reading x

[KIP.]

My advice is to steer clear if it triggers you. If he is being emotionally abused by his partner I wonder if your abusive ex finds him vulnerable too. I had to cut contact with my son so I know how painful this will be but for your own mental well being and recovery I think you have no choice. You’ve given him the opportunity and he chooses to remain in contact with your abuser. Lundy Bancroft says you cannot sit on the fence when it comes to abuse or you might as well side with the abuser x

[duvetday]

Hi KIP,
Just wrote you a message and accidentally lost it :p
Thanks for your message. I think you’re totally right. That’s what my gut feeling is telling me. I just wish it didn’t feel this hard to implement. Because besides him still being friends with my ex, he has never done anything to hurt me and has been such an amazing friend, especially in the last year or so. But I agree with that quote. There are never “two sides” in abusive situations and yet i think that’s kind of what he might feel.
I’m sorry to hear about you having to cut contact with your son.

[Anabela]

I think i am in a bit similar situation. I really struggle to cut contact with a friend who is involved with him and I think she is the biggest reason I keep coming back to this relationship. Whenever i try to go no contact with him he either tries to talk through or she expresses that she is worried about him bc of this and that and then i start thinking of him and missing him and worry about him and go weak… and when i finally hear from him i get so excited he is still alive…. and the story repeats. i know that i should cut contact eith her too and tried once but she is like a sister to me and she’s been there for me in low times and i just cant. Or not yet.
If u are strong enough, its best to cut contact with people who trigger you. Leaving is a vulnerable time and u dont want additional reminder of your ex. I was given this advise by many people ( in my case even the police) but i didnt use it and regretted it every time i got back to him….

[duvetday]

Hi Anabela,
Ah I’m sorry to hear about your situation 🙁 it sounds very similar to the friend I mentioned who went and spoke to my ex about the abuse…He would use her to get to me at times. The second time I went back to him was because he was messaging her (I was ignoring his messages) and she said “I think he just wants to know if you’re ok” or some other bs…And then I ended up messaging him. I think it’s very common for abusive people to do this, to use other people in this way to get to you when they can’t… I’m sorry that you’re finding it hard with your friend. It’s so hard isn’t it? 🙁
Yep I think you’re right about cutting contact tho. I’m hoping this time I can do it. Even tho I already miss him loads and it feels so painful..

[Daisy]

Hello duvetday, I think you may be able to keep this friendship but only if you and your friend agree never to mention your ex in conversations between you and you really trust your friend not to mention you at all to your ex, and that probably won’t work either way round in truth will it?
It certainly won’t help your healing from the past and I think in many respects it will leave you confused. I Agree with the other replies in that abuse is abuse and there is no excuse for others ignoring it, or letting it pass by because you are both friends, or apart from the way he treated you, he’s ok or , he hasn’t been abusive to them. Yes there are two sides, but abuse is not an acceptable part of disagreeing , it’s wrong and by ignoring it, staying neutral they are condoling it. To heal you need only supportive , loyal friends or in a lot of cases we need to start over and be loyal and protective to ourselves,because that’s all we have. I too had to cut off painfully from my son who said he would talk to his dad about what they wanted to, so it wasn’t me, I had to cut him off for a time too. In my case , after a year, we started over- same rules applied. I’m careful and hopefully he’s respecting my rule this time round.
X x x

[duvetday]

Hi Daisy,
Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear about your son but that’s good you are back in contact. I hope so much I can do that with my friend one day but I feel like the only way that could happen is if he decides to not see my ex anymore and even if that happens would I be too hurt by that point? I dunno…
I agree that it feels like he is condoning it by staying friends with him. I also feel like a big part of it is that my friend doesn’t fully understand what emotional abuse is (mine was mostly emotional/psychological abuse), I feel like so many people have this idea that domestic abuse is only when someone is physically harming another person :/ (and I’m certain this is playing a big role in why he doesnt see what his partner is doing to him 🙁 )

[lover of no contact]

One of the ladies who posters on here at one time lost her sight due to a head injury caused by her abuser. At what level of abuse perpetrated by your friend’s abusive friend (your ex), would your friend decide to keep contact with his friend (your abuser) abuser. If he had murdered you would he still be his friend. Or caused you to become blind would he still meet up with him. It may sound harsh and your friend may not have given it much thought and is charmed by your abuser, but there is a harsh reality to abuse. Abusers are out to cause severe harm, hurt and distress, on purpose to their intimate partners (and children, the elderly and animals and anyone else who takes their fancy).

Maybe unbeknown to your friend he is an ally of the abuser. Its known officially as one of the abuser’s lieutenant’s. It is not possible to be friends with the perpetrator and the victim. Your friend is trying to do this (maybe without much thought).

Maybe with your stance, its me or him, he could choose you, you’d never know. But your friend will have to choose. Its just not possible to be on the fence and be friends with you both, imo.

[duvetday]

Hi lover of no contact,
Thanks for your message. Yeh I think that my friend has some fixed ideas about what is and isn’t abuse / domestic abuse. Even tho I know he knows how much my life has been completely destroyed by my ex and how it has led me to feeling suicidal, depressed etc, I think he thinks a lot of what my ex did was ‘normal relationship’ stuff, because of his own experiences of relationships and I guess normalising it, as well as this idea reinforced by the media a lot of the time that d.abuse is only when your partner is physically beating you up (mine wasn’t really physical).
I feel like it shouldn’t have to get to a point of my ex seriously physically harming me before my friend goes “oh s**t ok, I see it now!”, that it should be enough that he has seen me lose my home, friends, job, sanity etc.
I guess when you are the victim/survivor you do have to be black and white about it- I want my friend to be “with me” and totally drop my ex. But it’s more complicated for my friend and I get that. I’m feeling very sad about it today and really want to message my friend to tell him how hard I’m finding this but I know there’s no point 🙁

[fridges]

Hello, duvetday!
I understand your situation, but for me I used the opportunity when he left to travel to Thailand. I moved to other place within the same city, he did not know exact address.
But we had some people who we both knew.
There were few to whom I felt I can trust with my new place. But it was only three people. I was so scared for myself, there were days when in the old house I was sleeping with the knife under my pillow. Back then I did not know anything, that here is any help for women like me, I did not even fully realising I was abused badly. The realisation came only later, when years passed. I was ashamed to say to anyone what was happening in my life, I thought it is my own fault.
I did not stay too long at the new address.
One friend ( whom I thought i can trust with my thoughts, saw him on few occasions, as she was working in cafe, where he gets coffee) I figured it out, that she was not person I can trust. I behaved like normal with her, and started to tell – I’m planning to go back to my home country.
I knew she will pass this information to him.
In my home country will be hard for him to find me. And hopefully he will leave me alone and it will stop.
I had the opportunity to go abroad and spend little time in the same city, it was not so big. I have changed my number, I did not give to people whom he knew and I knew.
I cut all the contacts.
My family came to live to UK 4 hours by train from the old city, I used to live with him. I was not in touch with my own family for years. As he cut me out from my own family. I left the place one day, I did not tell anyone, I did not see anyone, did not give any explanation. I have just gone, I knew I can not say anything to anyone or be in touch. He can be charming to people, and find information about me. I was too scared, good that I reunited with family.
I was totally broken person and absolutely destroyed emotionally. Financially I lost too with him. All the savings where gone while with him. He made sure it will be spend all, and i will be penny less.
Stayed with family, closed even bank account, which he knew. i did not even take any bills on my name, because I know how easy you can find someone this way.
I do not regret that I left the place, it was the best thing I have done. I do not regret that I’m not in touch with any of the people I knew from there. It will trigger for me the memories, the horror what I went through, not even once I visited this city again and I will never go there.

For years I had very isolated life, it was not easy to face people for me. For me I was not understanding and accepting what happened to me, I was running away. Only recently I took courage to face it, what I have been through, to work out this. As this baggage is heavy and you carry like a dead body with you.

May be the best way to think – you deserve a new life, a new chapter, a fresh start, new people in your life. Who can be much more relationships that you had in the past. Give yourself time to heal, give yourself this chance for a new life.

New place, new people do not mean bad life. It actually can be a better option.
When you will say to your friends or his family, he is abusive. Will they believe it? When he is so charming to them?
When he is a such lovely son?

They will look down at you, they will look bad on you, they will judge you.

I got to know a man, who is a totally opposite of an abusive ex. I know him for years, but I struggle so much to have a healthy relationship. I can be too sensitive, or have big fears, He comes from a healthy family, there were no abusive in the family. From him I learned a lot how I can make myself a better person. He never shouted at me, but I’m always scared what if I will move into the relationship, it will change. The fear is always there.
For years I know him – he never gave me any critic how do I look. I’m the most beautiful woman for him, this he keeps repeating for me.
Plus the most surprising – he is young, very attractive, work very hard, educated.
I do not know sometimes what to think, is God gave me the gift for all the suffering ?

I remember how abusive ex – put in my head, that I’m a garbage, trash. He was calling me these words, that better than him, I would never get a man in my life time. I would be only older and uglier, there will be no man for a woman like me.

Sometimes I think, how someone can be so cruel to other human being? To a young woman? How such thing could happen? How a man can destroy you in your heart and soul?

I wish all women knew that help is available even if they are new in this country. That immigrant women are double at risk, as they not even know they could have got help.
Men do as they please with you, treat you like you are not even human being, and with abuse increasing you stop feeling yourself as human. Knowing they will get away with it.
When they are finished with abuse, even the model type woman will feel herself ugly and not worth it. How it is possible to play with someone’s mind this way?

[Author]

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