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Haven’t been on here for a while as I felt it was making me more depressed by bringing things to light and if I accepted things for what they were,life would be easier…wrong!
My life consists of running around like a l*****c, trying to please him (failing miserably), being constantly berated and called names. Have never had a night out with friends in (detail removed by moderator) years but am called a s**g regularly. If I go to see my Nan every (detail removed by moderator) I’m a selfish cow who only thinks about herself and much more which includes being overly possessive, smashing things up, hurting me ( but not drastically) and threatening me.
I referred my self for counselling which I thought would help me find the right way to not annoy/antagonise him and strategies to not react to his ways. I was told I have attachment issues from my childhood which made me feel like it was me but my counsellor says it’s the avoidance type, I am living in fear and guilt and never try to do anything for myself if I think he will react to it. She says I will need months of psychotherapy but I probably won’t pursue this as going to an appointment usually ends in a row.I’ve realised I buy lots of things ( mainly clothes) which I usually never wear for fear of being accused of having an ulterior motive, so usually look and feel like c**p. After lots of thinking about why I can’t leave I feel it comes down to feeling like I’ve been punished for things I haven’t done and then having to walk away from everything ( as he wouldn’t leave, we have a joint mortgage coming out of my account) I would feel like I’m being punished again and he comes up trumps with everything for being a complete s**t. I know this sounds materialistic but I cannot get out of this mindset I am also worried I won’t cope with the abuse, harassment I would get if I leave. I’m worried about hurting him and feel sorry for him as he too has got issues from childhood
I was starting to make progress after 4 sessions of counselling but now feel I’ve gone 100 steps back this week and now he’s not working again ( I work full time) things are going to get even worse. I’m sorry for rambling I know I’m pathetic. Tried grey rock ( can’t do it) I feel exhausted. Any advice please. I know I need to phone WA but feel like I’d seem like I’m over reacting as there are lots of people who go through far worse and I’d be wasting their time as wouldn’t go through with things anyway. -
I your counsellor is making you feel like rubbish, she’s not doing her job Her job is certainly not to massage your ego but it is not to cause you harm either. It sounds as though she is the wrong person for you.So many of us have witnessed terrible things as tiny or young people. So many of us are deeply affected by things that happened in childhood which were absolutely not our fault but as young people we absorb them as though they were.
You are not over-reacting to contact WA. Please get on the phone to them. It is really hard to look after oneself after a lifetime of abuse.
Keep a diary of everything that happens. There’s loads of information on Youtube about (detail removed by moderator) (him) and empaths (you) which may help you understand better the dynamics of your relationship. In real life Women’s Aid is the best place and the Freedom Programme is brilliant.
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I have always felt the same. It’s hard to put into words. Before I joined this forum I thought the same that I was vulnerable because of my childhood. From read lots of accounts of abuse on here I can see clearly this is the affect domestic abuse has on all off us. So don’t take this on ur shoulders. It’s very easy for people say just leave because you can’t do this alone you need womens aid x they will be a great support. You can only recover once you are completely away from him. I was the same terrified off him going and the after effects were hard because I was very much traumatically attached but it wore off. It’s the only way forward. Don’t think off how he is now try t start thinking like this today a good mantra is this is my life as its not selfish to want recovery and happyness. It’s obtainable even along with our previous battle scars xx u can do this ♥️
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Nothing you will ever ever do will be good enough for him. That’s not what he wants. He wants to abuse you. He chooses to abuse you. He enjoys abusing you. You could be the most perfect partner ever and it wouldn’t be enough. He would simply change the goal posts and abuse you over something else. Or just make something up. His goal is to destroy your self confidence and weaken you. All the while watching you confused and fearful gives him strength. You need to get out of this relationship and women’s aid will help you to do this safely and in the best possible way for you to come out on top. While you’re running round trying to change your behaviour to suit him, you’re not thinking straight and dealing with the problem which is his controlling abusive behaviour x women’s aid saved me. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x
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I just wanted to add that I had absolutely no childhood trauma, and still ended up in exactly the place you are describing now. For me constant repetition of the fact that it was ok to make the decisions that were best for me was what helped .e get out. I would agree that it sounds like maybe your therapist isn’t the best fit for you. I would also get some legal advice on what you would be entitled to if you left. He wouldn’t be able to stay in the house, I don’t think, unless he could buy out your share, so you should end up with at least half the value of the equity you have in the house. It might be possible to force him to leave too. Phone women’s aid and rights for women, and get some advice. It’s hard walking away from everything. I walked away from my wedding bookings, and look half my savings paying my ex’s bills so I could get out of contracts. Cost my thousands that at the time I felt I could ill afford. Best decision I ever made in my life. Honestly, it’s worth almost any money to be rid of these men. But the situation might well be better than you hope. Get some advice, and try to keep making decisions that are good for you. Even if you just start small and eat food that is good for you, or go for a walk, or go to bed at a sensible time. The practice helps build up to make the big decision to do what is best for you and leave.
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To be fair my counsellor is only making the point that I have an attachment to him because I make poor relationship choices due to childhood experiences. She says she is concerned for my safety, which I don’t see ( other than my sanity) because I am of the attitude that if he hurt me badly I would have a real excuse to call the police , although having done so in the past they were a waste of time. But the problem is me, I cannot break away as if I do I don’t get very far before I go trundling back, Gail between my legs, exhausted and just wanting the whole thing to stop. I cannot take the mental abuse any more. I would rather he just hit me but he goes on and on putting medown, accusing me of sleeping with anyone, telling me I don’t pay him enough attention, pay him enough compliments, clean properly, have sex enough blah blah blah. He says I’m selfish and the only thing I do is go to work and go and see my Nan every fortnight. Have even stopped going to the gym as he makes out I’m flirting with other men there. I don’t even talk to other men, in fact if anyone did speak to me I would probably be very off hand and rude. Just come in after working late for the second night on the trot to be told he hasn’t done anything ( including tidying up) hasn’t been anywhere because I am controlling and don’t allow him out??! What an absolute joke! When all I have said was I didn’t like him going round this other women’s house and coming back saying he could do all these sexual things to her if he wanted. I don’t see that unreasonable but obviously I am wrong. I can’t just walk awa, I have to defend myself and it has ended up with him throwing stuff everywhere grabbing me, threatening me, spitting in my face and me retaliating throwing stuff back, telling him I hated him and I wished he was dead as I was so angry. Of course that was a stupid thing to do, completely out of order of me and now I feel terrible. It has played right into his hands and I feel like I’m now to blame. I won’t ever hear the end of this. I’m appalled at my own behaviour and of course he has taken his half of the housekeep back and ill just to pay for everything myself . He’s now given up work AGAIN , this happens every year without fail. Been told ( when we weren’t rowing) were not celebrating Christmas as he doesn’t want to.I feel like a complete failure, an idiot yet I am constantly busting my guts running around trying to please him. It’s my birthday soon and I feel like telling people like my mum and my son that I don’t want any cards or anything as he will go out of his way to be mean to me and spoil it before hand and on the day. Why do I allow this to happen? Thankyou for all of your positive comments and support
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“We’re not celebrating Christmas”. Those were my oh’s words last year, I vowed I’d not spend another Christmas like I did that one. I’m now living in refuge accommodation,a 2 bedroom flat. It’s lovely, its peaceful and fir the first time in a long tome I actually relax. Ive not managed no contact totally but I’m getting there. We were brought up to put others first,especially males in the family. You aren’t being selfish, god I wish they’d delete that word fae the dictionary. think of it as putting on your oxygen mask first In a plane crash. They are emotional vampires, they suck the life from you. That’s why you don’t want to do your birthday either. I was the exact same.
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Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Like you, I thought if he ever hit me I would definitely leave. I was wrong. By the time he started hitting me, the emotional abuse and gaslighting were controlling me so fully that I couldn’t believe that they had actually happened. He punched me multiple times, often when I was asleep – but never hard enough to leave a bruise. Then convinced me I was imagining it. He slapped me and convinced me that he’d been trying to calm me down, because I was feeling anxious and he thought that would shake me out if it. He suffocated me “as a joke” to which I “overreacted to because I had no sense of humour”. And he threw things at me. And I still believed he would never hurt me physically. The disconnect is mind boggling now I am out and have a clear head, but I would say that it is impossible to accurately judge the the danger posed by your abuser while you are in the relationship. If your counsellor thinks you are in danger, you are. She is probably seeing things much more clearly than you can at the moment.
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