Can’t Accept What’s Happened

[SnoopySocks]

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. I have done trauma based CBT and thought I had processed everything.

Recently I told a new partner and since then I’m right back to dissociating, thinking about what happened and feeling panicky. My new partner was lovely but he was very angry about what the previous partner had done. I’ve always played down what happened, but his reaction made me realise that it was actually really bad. I can see now it was a big deal and some really awful things happened.

The thing is, in all this time I’ve never cried about it or gotten angry. I just feel numb. I really want to move forward but I feel stuck. I really want to cry it out but I can’t.

What can I do to move forward? I’m sick of this being part of my life and I just want to feel OK again. I also feel really bad for my new partner and I don’t want him to have to go through me being not ok for weeks on end.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi SnoopySocks

I am sorry to hear this, you have come so far and done so well to move on as you have, but I fear that CBT is more about the thinking side of things as a result can deny what is going on deeply underneath.

I would say that you are in this space now with these feelings because you are sufficiently distanced from the abuse, and feeling safe enough/ready to deal with the emotions.

Your partner, if he loves and cares for you, will want to help, or support, in whatever ways he can, and you might not know how that is, so just be honest with him, you have enough to contend with and its time to prioritise yourself, centre yourself and try to find out what it is you need. You have made huge steps forward in disclosing this to him, and in coming here to share it also. Although it mightn’t seem much to you, this is a huge step forward in starting to deal with the trauma, and yes, it seems only natural that having made that step in opening up, that a rush of thoughts and feelings could follow quite quickly.

You don’t have to do all this at once, take it at your own pace. The women here will understand and know the experiences you are having right now, and that its all normal after suffering abnormality.

Find all the ways you can to feel secure, the places that make you feel calm, the things you do that get you feeling strong, all these things you will benefit from using whilst you travel the emotions and navigate the thoughts and worries. Seek further professional support if you think that would help, and maybe speak with your GP to let them know whats happening.

The tears might not be there yet, be patient with yourself and gentle, this will happen as it needs for you. We’ll be here for support whenever you need it.

warmest wishes

ts

[SnoopySocks]

Thank you so much TS for your kind and thoughtful response. I’m a bit calmer now and have gotten into a better headspace.

I think I’ll see what I can find that might help me work through things. It’s difficult because it always seems to cause upheaval, but I think it will be worth it if I can get through it and stop the memories dominating new relationships.

[Twisted Sister]

yeah, the memories may dominate whilst they come into your conscious, thats all normal, they may dominate for the while that it takes for you to accept, think through, feel and resolve them, then they will fade.

You need to let them come and perhaps let your partner know they may dominate you for a while as you finally deal with the past and can let go of it.

Be patient and gentle with yourself during this time, and give yourself the time you need as you need. It does pass, but takes as long as it takes. x

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