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    • #104481
      iliketea
      Participant

      I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Feel so depressed today. Struggling to breathe. He’s being nice, he’s being really nice to the children. He’s cleaning. He’s cooking. He’s suggesting stuff to do. He’s doing DIY. He’s asking me about myself. He’s making plans. He’s homeschooling. He’s suggesting I rest…ALL of this is unheard of. I haven’t experienced the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse for a good number of years. All I’ve had is non-stop abuse. Emotional, psychological, mental, constant bombardment, silent treatment in between, but never this, not for a long long time. It comes off the back of a really terrible time, worst he’s ever been, to the children too. But now he is Super Dad! He can do no wrong. Buying gifts… And I am 100% exhausted. Why is it having this effect? Why is it sucking the life out of me? Why is it making me feel so hopeless and ineffectual and pointless? Everything I was doing to survive, he is now doing, exercising, eating properly, stopped drinking. I feel like he’s cloned me. Cloned my mind. AM I GOING MAD??

      I’m going. There’s no doubt about that BUT, its making it really hard to do NOW, right NOW. How could he know? How? Does he? It’s making me feel as if I’m mad. What is this? Has anyone else had this? How do I deal with the parental alienation that’s going on too? Help. Feel like I’m really out of my depth, feel like I’m drowning. Why do these people exist? What’s the point of this?

      How do you leave when they’re being normal?
      And nice?

    • #104483
      KIP.
      Participant

      The point is to hook you back in and have you thinking exactly what you’re thinking. How can I leave when he’s being so nice. He knows exactly what he’s doing. All premeditated and as soon as he feels comfortable again the abuse will ramp up worse than ever. You recognise the honeymoon phase because he’s used it for years to hook you back in. Take a huge step back. Let him look after the kids and be nice to you while you use this time to plan your escape because this won’t last long. Get all your ducks in a row now. If he’s happy to watch the kids then you go and sort accommodation and plan your safe exit with women’s aid. He behaviour will be messing with the kids heads too.

    • #104485
      iliketea
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. Can he really know though? It feels so crazy that subconsciously he would know. I know you’re going to say stop asking, stop trying to understand, but it helps me! Yes, I want to do that getting ready, getting things sorted, I pretty much have but feel like Im frozen. I don’t understand why its having this effect. I had a call this week with the IDVA but havent spoken as I feel frozen. Even been wondering if its better if I just disappear from everyone’s lives. Don’t put everyone through all the pain and heartache. I know its mad thinking. I don’t understand why Im suddenly so weak when the bombardment has stopped. When Im not having to battle it. Its just like a normal house. Quiet. No stupid accusations. Nothing to write in my diary. No recordings. Zero. Blank. Its doing my head in. Why is it making me feel depressed?

    • #104488
      Balloons
      Participant

      Hi iliketea, I totally used to get this. My husband would spend weeks or months being so awful, and then just when I was feeling like I had the courage to leave it was like he read my mind and would become super dad. When he became nice and like his old self I didnt feel relief anymore like I used to in the past, but just incredibly depressed. I thought it was because I’d become so used to putting on a brave face, of showing him how he didnt affect me anymore, how strong I was trying to be, that when I didnt have to try so hard anymore all of those underlying emotions came up to the surface. I went through this a fair few times before I recognised the pattern and chose to leave anyway. It helped me to set a specific date when I new I wouldnt be working, and then when that day came around I just did it like it was something to cross off a to do list. It was still hard, but not as hard as it had felt when I’d wanted to leave before and didnt have the guts to do it. Not sure if that helps at all, just wanted to let you know I really relate to that feeling that comes up when things seem “normal”. Xx

    • #104495
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      When you’ve lived through this cycle of abuse for so long you know the honeymoon period can’t last. What’s happening now you know isn’t right and you are feeling nervous and anxious, the ‘walking on eggshells’ stage, waiting for the next ‘explosion’ to happen. You know it will happen, it’s just a matter of when. Will it be tonight, tomorrow, the day after?

      So even when he is being ‘nice’ or ‘super dad’ or ‘normal’ you can still not relax, you are still on edge, that’s why you are feeling depressed. You still need to continue with your plans to leave. Don’t give up, don’t put them to one side for now, carry on as you were, because you won’t really relax until he’s out of your life for good.

    • #104502
      Tickleribber
      Participant

      Hi, I’ve been going through this exact Same thing last few weeks, and I’m exhausted too! It’s extremely confusing when they (apparently) have several personas and can switch between the nice and nasty ones at will.

      I think in my case, as he lost his job and therefore steady income, I was seen with someone with resources of a bank account He can’t access with money in it (mine spends his money soon as he gets it) and with a regular income.
      It had been years since I’d seen the quiet mouse like helpful version of him, thought that version of him was gone forever so it was a shock.
      My children are grown up, but the youngest did some work for me round the house which husband hadn’t finished.
      So suddenly, out of the blue husband is standing in front of me criticising the work,finger wagging and going on and on trying to upset me or cause an argument, I’m not sure which, and we’re back to his nasty selF. Of course there wasn’t a problem with the work, he was just being horrible.
      To sum up, for whatever reason he’s being on good behaviour right now but for sure it’s an act, so keep planning to leave and don’t be fooled by this, it’s temporary.

    • #104505
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes he absolutely knows. Just like you know his moods, he knows yours. I remember hanging on by my fingernails close to a breakdown and up pops MrNice. We are so relieved that he’s being nice our brain pushes the hurt and abuse to the back. You need to think of the worst thing he did and how that made you feel. The reason I’m saying don’t try to work him out is that’s valuable headspace taken up. He wants it to be all about him. He wants to live rent free in your head and it takes to focus off you and your needs and your safe exit plan. Plenty time to understand when you’re safe. I even took a psychology course. He simply choose to abuse you because it makes him feel good to see you distressed x makes him feel powerful and in control. He’s just not wired like us so don’t compare his actions and thought pattern to yours x

    • #104530
      iliketea
      Participant

      Balloons – thank you! Not nice but it makes me feel better that someone else has experienced this. Less mad. Less crazy. You’re right. Still plan.
      Wants to Help – thank you too, you’ve explained it perfectly too. I needed it spelt out like that. Thank you. Yes keep planning.
      Tickleribber – Im sorry you’re going through this too. Its very disconcerting isnt it. And the DIY! Had similar experience.
      KIP – hadn’t thought of that, that he knows my moods too. Its interesting. I started getting my mojo back and its like one of those old fashioned scales, the balance is realigning itself. Its a fascinating – not in a good way – thing abuse. Why don’t they teach us this at school. Forget s*x education. This would be far more useful wouldn’t it. I hope that will change one say soon. And yes, I needed to remember that about he’s not wired the same. I think of myself as a kind person so am finding it hard coming to terms with leaving and how that will make HIM feel…I know its crazy thinking!

    • #104531
      iliketea
      Participant

      Balloons – thank you! Not nice but it makes me feel better that someone else has experienced this. Less mad. Less crazy. You’re right. Still plan.
      Wants to Help – thank you too, you’ve explained it perfectly too. I needed it spelt out like that. Thank you. Yes keep planning.
      Tickleribber – Im sorry you’re going through this too. Its very disconcerting isnt it. And the DIY! Had similar experience.
      KIP – hadn’t thought of that, that he knows my moods too. Its interesting. I started getting my mojo back and its like one of those old fashioned scales, the balance is realigning itself. Its a fascinating – not in a good way – thing abuse. Why don’t they teach us this at school. Forget s*x education. This would be far more useful wouldn’t it. I hope that will change one say soon. And yes, I needed to remember that about he’s not wired the same. I think of myself as a kind person so am finding it hard coming to terms with leaving and how that will make HIM feel…I know its crazy thinking!

    • #104558
      Escapee
      Participant

      The freezing could be a result of cognitive dissonance. My ex is the master at causing this and leaves me an emotional and psychological wreck.

      I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this Iliketea – big hug to you xx

    • #104738
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi – you’re not crazy, you haven’t lost it.

      I believe you just know. You know this is a phase, you know it cant last. You’re exhausted just waiting for it, watching for the sign the axe is about to fall yet again.

      In the case of my husband, I swear to God he likes to suck me in with these displays of kindness, so when he does show his true colours it hurts just that little bit more.

      So hang on in there. I think feeling low is a natural reaction to all this emotional draining x

    • #104748
      Dragon
      Participant

      @iliketea I am feeling pretty much the same right now. I decided I wanted out. Told him I was unhappy and suggested separation as an option and overnight he became super Dad/husband.
      I can’t explain how much of a head f#$k this is. One day feeling so sure you want to go and the next feeling like it’s just been your perception that was wrong all these years and now feeling pressured to switch your frame of mind into saving the relationship because otherwise it’s your fault that the relationship failed. Honestly I can relate to how you feel I too feel really down, depressed and trapped and I don’t know what to do. Please PM me if you want to chat, maybe we could help each other out. Thinking of you xxxxx

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