Can’t bring myself to leave behind his back. No idea what to do

[gettingtired]

I feel sick and cant think straight.
I don’t think I can do it 😰 I’m just not strong enough. I feel so awful going behind his back and being deceitful. I wish I had never told anyone now as my family are going to want me to explain everything and will get frustrated if I won’t talk.
I keep thinking maybe I just stay and wait until the next time he b**ws up then just call my family to come and move me out. He will be there but at least I wont have to feel awful for doing it behind his back then.

I just feel so sick with worry and I feel dreadful for him. I can’t bring myself to have a final goodbye today. 😭😭😭

[Watersprite]

I think you can x just pause and breathe out slowly then think of everything he has done that he chose to do to you. He won’t change – you know that. Next picture a life where you can do what you want when you want it’s calm and peaceful. Which do you choose ? It will take time to create that life but away from him you can begin to make a future. You will see things more clearly when you are safe. I left him a note tried not to think ahead just that next step – bravest and best thing I ever did. You can do it too -I never thought I could either. One step at a time . Sending hugs and strength x*x

[gettingtired]

Thank you but I can’t stop crying and I’m going to have to say goodbye to him and I know I’ll cry and he won’t understand. I just can’t cope with the final goodbyes or thinking this is it and I’ll never see him again. I keep thinking of when we were happy and memories of us hysterically laughing together and cuddling and all of the great things. I just don’t understand how it has come to this 😭 sorry to sound dramatic but I’m just completely lost and have no idea what to do x

[FlutterShy]

Hi GT

I have no wise words for you as I’m in the process of going through my plan and in a very similar situation to you. However, you do deserve better than this and you are strong enough to leave him. I think these men are incapable of love, real love, and seek kind, compassionate, happy people to feed off. He is abusing you my lovely. I have left my partner, while he’s been sleeping off the booze, 5 or 6 times. It doesn’t sit right but I have to do it this way as he would never let us go. My family is frustrated with me – I come back because of the trauma bond. I have started seeing a counsellor and she’s helping me see my situation for what it is, is very encouraging and is absolutely certain that I will be that happy person again without him in my life.

I can’t tell you what to do but he isn’t going to change. He is unable to because he doesn’t think he has a problem. You can do this xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you but I can’t stop crying and I’m going to have to say goodbye to him and I know I’ll cry and he won’t understand. I just can’t cope with the final goodbyes or thinking this is it and I’ll never see him again. I keep thinking of when we were happy and memories of us hysterically laughing together and cuddling and all of the great things. I just don’t understand how it has com to this 😭 sorry to sound dramatic but I’m just completely lost and have no idea what to do x

[Living Warrior]

Hi hunni, im sorry you are having to deal with this.

You are a very strong lady, this will be a very difficult time for you, but i agree with your gut instinct to leave without warning, this is the SAFEST option for YOU.

I apologise if my next comment upsets you, but i have to say it, as i have been there and i think you need both sides before you decide whether to change ur plan.

These “men” do this deliberately. They make US feel like we are the bad people. Like we are the evil ones for leaving them!
The pain staking truth is, that if they didnt behave like they do. if they treated us with the respect and dignity any person deserves, then we wouldnt be leaving!
Every relationship has its ups and downs- and we all make seperate decisions to how to react to these ups and downs. They tend to “blame and shame” and we tend to use reasoning and compassion. (usually to our own determent)

If you leave when he isnt there, it gives you chance to breathe! you have the small amount of peace before things kick off, but that peace how ever small, will give you pause, and you will be able to see things clearer. you will be safe.

now i do not know your relationship dynamics, but from speaking to many women in these situation, on here and in person at support groups. i have learnt that.
If you try and leave when he is there, this is the worst thing you can do.
If he hasnt resulted in physical violence upto now, this will be the time it starts, usually by grabbing or such things which escalate as you fight to get away. If he has be physical in the past, he will just assume these past episodes didnt “teach” you anything and this time it will be worse.

I honestly, wouldnt risk your safety, over a man who doesnt feel you are worth his respect, and treats you how he does. ( It must be really bad to get to the point of leaving) i say this because most women in our situations wait years hoping it gets better b4 we attempt to leave, (i am one of those people too)

I do hope my post has helped with perspective, and i am sorry if it seems harsh or upsets you in any way.
sending my love and strength.

[gettingtired]

Thank you but I’m just a mess. I’ve not been honest with family so they’re trying to talk me through reasons to stay because they don’t know about the abuse. Now time is ticking on and I’m just sat her crying. I don’t feel like I will be able to function whatsoever if I go today. Then I will be susceptible to getting hoovered back as he will be distraught if he finds out I’ve left and promise to change. I just feel dreadful if Ieave or stay. I can’t bare the thought of him coming back here and being alone. Never seeing him again. Im just completely at a loss as to what to do 😭😭😭 can’t stop crying and shaking x

[ISOPeace]

Hey GT, could you tell yourself you’re getting yourself and your cat to safety and then you’ll think about goodbyes? In my experience, my expectation of how I’ll feel isn’t always right. You might well find that when you’ve left there is a sense of relief and an acceptance that it was the right thing to do. You might see things more clearly and feel differently about saying goodbye.

Does it help if you imagine his reaction to a heartfelt goodbye from you? Imagine if you said “I love you so much and this breaks my heart, but I can’t do this any more and I have to leave”. A loving response would be something like “I love you so much as well but I can also see that this situation is not ok and I respect your decision to leave.” He will not say that. He will threaten, intimidate, emotionally blackmail. He will use your grief as fuel to force you to agree to continue to sacrifice your life for him. In fact he’s already doing that, because he has conditioned you to believe it is not ok to look after your own needs. The feelings you’re having are really his grip of control on you. I know the feelings are real but their message is him telling you what he wants you to believe. Our feelings are supposed to guide us to safety, but if they’ve been hijacked by an abuser, they do the opposite.

I know this is so hard. I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m putting a load of pressure on you. I really believe you can do this. I’m willing you to find that part of yourself that can do it. Give your beautiful cat a cuddle and tell yourself that you choose safety for you both. Sending love and strength xxxx

[gettingtired]

Thank you but I’m just completely frozen. Everything will be bad if I leave or stay. I’ve made a complete mess of this and now I’m just sat here crying with nowhere to turn and no idea what to do. My family are trying to look at positives of staying as they don’t know about the abuse, I’m too ashamed to admit it and then I know they’ll want to get me out if they do know.
I just can’t believe it’s come to this and what a complete mess of my life I’ve made. I feel like I’m letting myself, him, my family and everyone on the forum down xx

[ISOPeace]

You haven’t made a mess of this. You’ve done the best you can at this point in time. Maybe today isn’t the right time to leave. Maybe you needed this experience to help you leave in the future.

Many times I’ve read accounts about victims of abuse who find that leaving and healing actually puts them in a better place than if they hadn’t experienced the abuse. You have many years ahead to heal and have the life you want. You most certainly haven’t made a mess of your life. I know it feels painful and hopeless now, but you will not always feel like this.

I’m struck by how much you put other people before yourself. I know we all do it, but I really notice it from your posts. Perhaps you need some time to identify and look after your own needs before you feel ready to leave. You found the strength to tell us you don’t feel ready to leave so maybe this experience is helping you find your voice. xxxx

[Watersprite]

You are not letting anyone down – you are just struggling x Deep breaths sending warmth and positivity. Please keep reaching out for support – your GP here women’s aid your family who love you. We all care on here. This will pass x

[gettingtired]

Thank you but I’m just a mess. I’ve not been honest with family so they’re trying to talk me through reasons to stay because they don’t know about the abuse. Now time is ticking on and I’m just sat here crying. I don’t feel like I will be able to function whatsoever if I go today. Then I will be susceptible to getting hoovered back as he will be distraught if he finds out I’ve left and promise to change. I just feel dreadful if Ieave or stay. I can’t bare the thought of him coming back here and being alone. Never seeing him again. Im just completely at a loss as to what to do 😭😭😭 can’t stop crying and shaking x

[Hawthorn]

Breathe deep. You haven’t let anyone down. You are so young, your life is only beginning. It is the trauma of the abuse that blocks the light of hope and is making you feel like this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a victim of abuse, as am I, as is every woman using this forum. The abuse is our abusers shame to carry, not ours. You are not alone. You have a family that loves you. Tell them about the abuse. You do not need to leave if you don’t want to. Your family can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but you need and deserve support. You have tried going it alone, and can see now why everyone here bangs on about building your support network, so you have learned a valuable lesson. You need support. There is no shame in that, and no shame in being a victim of abuse. None of this is your fault. It might feel like a mess, but you have the power to clean that mess up, you just need some help to do it xx

[gettingtired]

That’s the problem I do and don’t want to leave.
If I tell them about the abuse all they’ll do is worry and it will affect my relationship with them then too.
I’ve just called my local DA place and they’ve made me feel even worse. The person I spoke to was saying about how she knows it’s hard when you both love each other but that we have all been there and she knows how hard it is. She did say the threats he has made to call police on me are emotional blackmail but otherwise she treated it like a normal relationship breakdown and couldn’t get off the phone to me soon enough. She said sometimes people do things if they are feeling insecure (regarding him). Speaking to her has if anything made me want to stay with him more.

[Cantmakedecisons]

Hey, I totally get where your head is at, it’s awful that we’re out in these situations in the first place. What everyone says is true your safety has to come first but I know just walking out that door is harder than just telling you to.
I was going to leave and then I didn’t, then I stayed and then left and stayed etc.. the only thing I gained from doing that was a fair few horrendous beatings and rapes – it literally broke me. I needed hospital care.
He will always manipulate you, threaten you or win you round. You have to find the strength to walk or quite possibly you come to harm. Just say in your head it’s for one day, deal with that and then say two more days and then eventually your get stronger and more resilient to him pulling you back in. Stay safe xx

[gettingtired]

I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through that.
When people compare it to a drug addiction, it really is. I feel ill right now and I’ve been so stressed I just can’t think clearly at all. All I want is to be with him and for him to console and cuddle me. I know that’s wrong for how he’s treated me but that’s how I feel. I feel pathetic. I just can’t leave right now 😰 x

[Catjam]

Hi, leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. Even on the day I sat sobbing on the step and it was a friend who knew I was leaving because of abuse that told me I needed to get out. He was there but although he was begging me to stay, I stuck to my guns and left.

To get to this point you are stronger than you think. I know it seems to be completely overwhelming and I’m not going to lie to you but it is hard. You are worth so much more. I come to my new place and there is no drama, no sick feeling when I realise the time and he will be home.

I do miss him, sometimes I just want to go to him and pretend nothing happened because it’s so easy to forget the bad stuff and the manipulation and control.

I made a promise to myself that I would be about before my big birthday next year. There is no doubt going to be difficult times ahead but for now I am enjoying the sanctuary of my new place.

Give yourself a break and you certainly haven’t let anyone down. Take care xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you x I can’t believe how strong you must have been to leave even with him there begging and crying.
It’s been a horrendous day and I feel genuinely ill and exhausted so I’m not in a fit state to do anything tonight. I can’t help but feel that I’ve let everyone down because I told people I needed help to get out but then today when I had a meltdown after he left I just withdrew and couldn’t talk about it. They made an effort to help me and now I’ve just not gone through with it and can’t bare to talk about it.
To be honest when he’s back I feel like I’m just going to want to fall into his arms and be consoled. I feel dreadful for the past few months not being affectionate towards him because now that’s all I want to do even though I know I shouldn’t 😰. I feel pathetic. I just can’t leave x

[KIP.]

Try to look on it as a step towards leaving. Abused women return on average 7 times to an abuser so this isn’t unusual. You need to be kind to yourself and try to understand that it’s the abuse talking. I’m certain it won’t be long on his return that he kicks off again because his behaviour is escalating. Perhaps your mum should talk to the domestic abuse helpline and try to understand why you find it so difficult and what support she needs to give you.

[gettingtired]

Thank you, I will try to view it as a positive and step in the right direction like you said Kip xx

[Catjam]

Even now I long to rush to him to be held by him. I think had I attempted to leave earlier I probably wouldn’t have. I took a step back from him last year and it was hard. I went against everything that is advised and I told him he was abusive and he needed to get help. Luckily that plan worked but I know it could have been the biggest mistake. I watched him do everything but get help. I caught him out on lies but for me it was his refusal to treat our daughter better. Had he have just spoken to her, just a simple ‘hi’ I probably would still be there.

I spoke to my doctor last year, she put me in touch with a support group who arranged counselling. Not trauma counselling but she helped me realise I was worth so much more. She did advise me that once I have been out a couple of months to get trauma counselling.

You have nothing to feel bad for, I honestly think something will just click one day like it did for me. Maybe it’s worth telling your family, my sister knew and while she hoped I would leave years ago she knew it had to be when I was ready. She never thought I would.
Be kind to yourself, no one judges you for not leaving. Take care xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you Catjam. It sounds like you made the right decision at the right time.
I really, really don’t want to return once I go. It will just make things so much more complicated and could mean I get stuck in a mess for years more. I hope you’re doing well at the moment xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Gettingtired,

If you’re not ready to leave, then you’re not ready. It is as simple as that.

For those of us who are not driven out by the fear of loss or danger to our lives, it is a process.

For me, it was a long game. I told my family which turned out to be the best preparation I could make. If you are struggling to tell them perhaps consider writing them a letter.

Then start doing anything that will help you to prepare psychologically. Small things make a big difference to your head space. You could try buying extra supplies with your weekly shop and storing them with your family. Just a few things each week so that he doesn’t notice a massive hike in your spending. By the time I left I had everything from a kettle to bleach stored away for my new home.

Go through storage spaces and send anything of sentimental value to friends and relatives to look after.

Work out a plan for settling your cat into your new home.

Sleep in separate rooms if you can and spend more and more time in your room so that the trauma bond is seriously weakened by the time you leave.

When you need a hug from him, video call a relative or loving friend instead so that you associate that comfort with anyone but him.

You didn’t manage to go through with this yesterday. Don’t beat yourself up over this. I know you have the courage, you just need to make yourself ready now. That will come but only if you work at preparing. xx

Personally, I found that the longer I did these things for, the more stressful it became living with him. By the time I left, I was desperate for peace and a feeling of safety.

[gettingtired]

Thank you Eggshells. If it’s ok I will send you a message later x

[gettingtired]

I can’t do it. I’m a complete mess. It’s going to be bad if I stay or leave. I can’t stop crying and I’m just sat here completely frozen with no idea what to do. Family want to help me but they’re mostly trying to talk me through it and look at positives of us being together because I’m too ashamed to speak of the abuse.
I just feel like I’ve let everyone down me, him, my family and everyone on the forum x

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