5th June 2016 at 12:07 pm #18626undertherainbowParticipant
I haven’t been here for a while and I *was* doing much better. Felt I was moving on, been on holiday, settled into my new home. However on the front of it I look like I’m doing much better but I’m ashamed that I’m coping with the use of drugs. This is not coping, this is masking.
My ex used drugs and coerced me into taking them too. I haven’t seen any discussion of drug use on here so please don’t judge me too harshly. I smoke cannabis mainly and have abused pain killers, often taking up to 60 a day.
What’s really concerning me is that he is in prison. He fully deserves this punishment but when the prison he’s in (detail removed by Moderator) it just… hurts. Part of me wants him released tomorrow to deal with the eventuality of this happening. We haven’t had contact for a good few months now. I am dreading when he’s released because I have no idea what to expect. I worry for the next(detail removed by Moderator) I will be constantly feeling like this.
I’m so ashamed that I cannot stop relying on illegal substances to appear as normal. All I want is to be normal, healthy and happy. I gave up everything for a man who did nothing but physically, sexually and emotionally destroy me. I feel like i’m the one in prison.
5th June 2016 at 1:58 pm #18627SaharaDParticipant
Please remember to maintain no contact even if he is in prison.
What counselling have you had to cope with your feelings?
Uh you will find that a lot of us on her have substance abuse problems.
We abuse alcohol, money, illegal substance, legal highs, food, hoarding, etc, etc.
I drink on my psychotropic drugs prescribed. I know I shouldn’t but when things get too much and I’m alone in the evening I can drink a whole bottle of wine or take more of my meds than I should.
I don’t do it every day and I have had specialised dv da counseling. To get rid of the self defeating and self harming behaviours I go to therapy.
If you want to stop the substance abuse, you have to find a professional organisation to help you.
Don’t give up and don’t be too ashamed to ask for help.
Take care with alternative positive coping strategies.
5th June 2016 at 4:16 pm #18629Peaceful PigParticipant
I can assure you of absolutely no judgement. A big part of the shame I am currently trying to overcome relate to the ways I have behaved and things I have done to cope with the abuse. Although not drugs, for me I had very unhealthy relationships with alcohol and sex plus self-harming. Happily I manage with just occasionally self-harming now and it’s an ongoing work in progress in counselling. I have a book with a whole chapter on honouring the things you did to survive (The courage to heal). It’s much easier said than done. Please don’t allow your feelings of shame to prevent you from seeking professional help. I genuinely don’t think it’s possible to do alone, it’s too much to expect and you deserve support. I think the stats are that around 80% of those seeking treatment for mental health and substance misuse services are suffering trauma from abuse. You’re very definitely not alone. You’re right though that it gets surprisingly little mention on here. I guess we all carry lots of shame, so well done for speaking out. I hope you still have good substance misuse support services where you are. Good luck xx
5th June 2016 at 4:48 pm #18631Eve1Participant
No judgement, just empathy and hope that you can/will get whatever help you need.
I am suffering today. I feel I am a terrible person. In fact I know I am. I’ve had this relationship, if I can call it that, with a married husband of a friend, which I’ve definitely used to block out the abuse of my ex husband or to make me feel i am human and because my eyes are now open to how this relationship is also abusive, I’ve told a friend. Not with any plan, and, because of her reaction, totally justified, I can’t see how the friend of the man won’t find out. I think i want her to so it can all be over.
I’m worried I will get really depressed again.
Sorry, this probably doesn’t help you much. But you should definitely not judge yourself harshly.
Your post has helped me see this unhealthy relationship had been a way of coping.
Peaceful pig, what you say about shame is right. The shame I feel now is the same I felt when I left my abusive ex. It’s the same pain. Except this time I can’t say it’s not my fault.
Warm hugs to all.
5th June 2016 at 10:27 pm #18657Peaceful PigParticipant
Hi Eve, you’re not a terrible person. It was a way of surviving one abuser and you were targeted by another because he knew your vulnerability and took advantage. I had a similar situation a few years ago. I beat myself up about it for years (as did my ex!), even after I’d left, thinking that meant I deserved all the abuse. Abusers lead us to be very different to the way we wish to be, they erode any confidence in our own judgement. If this man is abusive to you, he almost certainly is to his wife. She may react badly initially but maybe it could open her eyes and be her way out. I hope you’re able to show yourself some compassion. We survive however we can, then we become free to live in accordance with our beliefs. Much love x*x
6th June 2016 at 11:22 pm #18699StarmoonParticipant
No judgment at all. I think allot of us use other things as a crutch and a comfort to get threw the harder days… Drunks, drink, food.
So don’t add it to the list of reasons to hate yourself. You should have no reason at all. But they make us believe we do. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that anyone going threw what you are would be feeling the same way. Xx
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