6th September 2021 at 7:29 pm #131116ApplesParticipant
I feel that I can’t go on like this for much longer and worst of all is that it’s all my fault.
We separated some years ago and he ended up physically attacking me while we were separated. He received a restraining order so that he couldn’t be near me or the children.
I cant believe it now but I ended up moving away from family and moving back in with him and yes, that’s despite the restraining order. I cant believe that I did it now but here I am…I do feel that after he attacked me and while going through the court process, I didn’t get any form of support. My GP hurried me out of a consultation when I was close to breaking down and hadn’t even looked up to notice I was crying. I was alone and missed him, I could only see the good.
Now we are living together. We sleep in separate rooms, he is verbally nasty to the children when I am not there. He goes out alone on his days off for hours without telling us where he is going/has been.
He uses my bed to masturbate in while I am working at home.
He is beginning to become obsessed with our teenage daughter and tries to control her.
There are MANY other things that he does but I don’t want post to be too long.
I rarely confront him on anything he does or says as he becomes verbally aggressive if I do. I keep quiet and throw myself into my job.
Problem is I can feel at times he is trying to be better ( ie occasionally contributes to household expenses ie kids uniforms) but I have lost all respect for him, not to mention love. I feel like a single parent that has his help on rare occasions.
I am afraid of myself, what I might feel if he is gone forever. Would I still want him and would I be lonely.
I am middle aged and have kids. I wouldn’t find anyone else.
I fear I won’t cope financially.
But I want him gone and so do the kids even though it’s their dad, he scares them and they’d aren’t ask him for money or anything else.
I have some years left of the restraining order but I am tired of feeling so uncertain of everything. I literally feel stuck and can’t cope with my self and my feelings any more.
7th September 2021 at 4:47 pm #131152LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through at the moment, I can hear the sense of hopelessness that you’re feeling, it sounds like you’ve been through so much and are feeling very alone.
What’s happened is absolutely not your fault. Struggling to break away, or feeling that it’s impossible to imagine life out of the abusive relationship, is very common and we understand how difficult it is, and how much it takes, to make the decision to leave.
Abusers wear down our self esteem, self worth and sense of independence, they make themselves the centre of our universe and give us crumbs of hope that things can be better. These all become obstacles to leaving as well as potentially being trauma bonded to the abuser, or isolated from any support network.
Have you ever been able to access counselling or emotional support with what you’ve been through? Sometimes a good place to start is beginning to recognise the extent of the abuse and work on our own confidence and self-worth, or begin discussing our fears and concerns with someone outside of the relationship. If you feel like this might be useful, you could contact your local domestic abuse service to see what counselling services they are running: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
You could also have a look at the counselling directory for a therapist in your area, who has experience and knowledge around the dynamics of abuse: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
There is also the Freedom Programme, which you may have heard of: https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Take care and keep posting,
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