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You’re all so strong and have helped me threw dark days on the old furum but I’m back to just not knowing. I don’t feel I can live life without him. E every time my daughter mentions his name it’s like a stab in the heart. He came to find me (removed by moderator) when I’d been walking in the cold for hours with no coat. I wanted to die then because I couldn’t face another day wondering where I’d gone wrong and why I’m so messed up in the head that I just can’t see it. The police were looking for me and my mum was worried but I just want out now. I love my children but I can’t get my head around what I did to brake my family up
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Please get some help and realise that this isn’t your fault. It breaks my heart to read your posts and to see how confused you are. I was there and sometimes I feel doubt too but I know deep down it was nothing that I did. I was you I made the perfect life I waited on him hand and foot but it was never enough. Please stop blaming yourself its not your fault. He broke you up with his behavior. Are you supposed to be unhappy forever and treated badly would that make things better? Leaving him is a positive thing for your children too and they aren’t going to be subjected to emotional abuse in the future. Your children need and love you don’t let what has happened make you not be there for them too. I replied to your other post saying this but please see a GP, get hold of a Womens Aid support worker and try and read “Living with the Dominator” or Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” Once you understand how his mind works you will see that you aren’t mad at all but the victim.
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Thank you for your reply. I read living with the dominator and even attended one session of the freedom program but didn’t feel he fitted the bill. Which is what made this all the more confusing xx
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Hi Starmoon,
I’m so sorry to read how you are feeling. You have been through an extremely traumatic time so it is understandable that you are feeling so low. It sounds like the abuse that your ex has put you through that has led you to feeling that life isn’t worth living, and this is a feeling that many survivors of abuse sadly experience.
As the post above says, this is not you fault and you did not break your family up; the only person responsible for this is your abusive ex. You have made a very difficult but extremely brave decision to protect you and your children for the sake of your future. Please remember how strong you have been. Healing from abuse takes time and is a process you need to go through in your own way.In a previous post you mention that you’re not sure if it has been abuse and you didn’t feel he fitted the descriptions in ‘Living with Dominator’ which must be very confusing for you and will lead you to feel very mixed up. Abuse comes in many different forms and although there can be similarities between abusers, no abuser is the same; so the fact that he didn’t fit the descriptions does not mean he is not abusive. From what you have explained in your posts, you have experienced serious abuse.
If you feel you can I think it would be really helpful for you to call the 24 National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They can listen, talk through the dynamics of an abusive relationship and put you in touch with other support.
Keep posting, we are all here for you,
Lisa
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