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    • #144636
      Peonylove
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new here so just taking first steps to figure things out. I’ve been in a relationship for the last (removed by moderator) and it’s been up and down to say the least. He seems to have high expectations of what he wants from a relationship…trust, full transparency, to be part of my life fully, to meet my friends and family and have this solidness which sounds so good. However if he feels he’s not getting this from me he kicks off, acuses me of hiding things. He recently found out I had a second phone (removed by moderator). This led him to feel he couldn’t trust me. I reassured him there was nothing to worry about but he brought it back up recently when he wasn’t happy because i didn’t share with him how a night out id been on had gone. I feel like I can’t win and it’s always me who is making mistakes and begging for forgiveness. I confide in my family but they’re worried about me and want to end the relationship but I can’t seem to do it. I’m nearly (removed by moderator) and so desperately want my happily ever after that it feels like this is my last chance otherwise I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I was in a financially abusive relationship a few years ago and I don’t know if I’ve learned any lessons from it. My mum was physically abused by my dad. Is this all hereditary? Where do i go for help to shift my thinking and become strong enough to set boundaries? Please help!

    • #144640
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I don’t think it’s hereditary but you could have seen, heard things you grew up with and normalised it, if you have a child with him it will leave you more bonded more trauma bonded less able to get out and while that child is watching seeing hearing could end up with a partner match that matches your situation already, really “really”think about this one 🧡💛🧡

      • #144641
        Peonylove
        Participant

        Thankfully there are no children involved and we don’t live together. So in theory it should be easy to end things but it’s not and I can’t figure out why.

      • #144665
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Cos your trauma bonded hun and your self esteem is probably low and all of it messes up the neuropeptides in the system and cortisol raises that keep you addicted, we get it honestly we do
        🌹🤗💛

      • #144669
        Peonylove
        Participant

        So how do I go about fixing that? I can’t stop crying tonight

      • #144682
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        If you need to cry then cry your hurting your feeling don’t block your feelings acknowledge them (not sure if anyone else has told you this yet) but have zero contact with him, block him on everything, and don’t allow him to use others to get to you (cos that might happen) it’s kind of like going through a cold turkey and (I know it’s horrible) but bit by bit you’ll start to see and realise things for how they truly were and are, it’s something that all of us that are out had to do, all that kindness and forgiveness and extra attention/love we gave them (when in fact it was a blame shifting projecting manipulation tactic)take it back and put it on yourself give all that kindness to you now and confide in others that will understand maybe give women’s aid helpline a ring if your struggling but you need support for how your feeling (the pain is the trauma bond breaking)and it hurts like hell but you will come out of it with more insight and clarity than ever before 💖🤗💖

      • #144691
        Peonylove
        Participant

        Thanks, I really appreciate your words and support. I think I have some work to do on myself. Hope you’re okay xx

      • #144694
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        I’m ok (so/so) yeah stay aware don’t block any feelings (acknowledge all of them as they come up) they teach us to disregard our anger/hurt/upset/pain and put everything back on themselves making us to be a bad terrible person, so when we see the the truth and we get out all those stuffed down feelings and realising start to bubble up (it’s a part of being aware and healing) these people aren’t like us that why we wrack our brain trying to work them out as of they’re normal/they’re not, it’s best to accept that that’s how they are it makes it’s easier to let go of them
        🤗🧡🤗

      • #144701
        Peonylove
        Participant

        Thank you, much appreciated. We’re talking again and he wants to stay together but on the basis of my actions. I’ve agreed but it feels wrong. But I want this to work so much.

      • #144707
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        There’s 3 red flags in that post 1 you said “he” wants, 2 on the basis of ‘my’ actions (your not the abuser) and 3 (and this is the main thing) it feels wrong your instincts are telling you and your feelings that it’s not right for you but these are your choices only you can make them just don’t put others wants above your own though 🧡💛🧡

    • #144646
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey Peonylove, have you contacted your Local Womans Aid? They will help you with boundaries, also you could ask to do the Freedom Programme which is really helpful/insightful for Domestic Abuse, family abuse etc… it helps you see the patterns of abuse and understand your own reactions.

      I was reaching my 50’s just before I separated, you are never too old, start a relationship with yourself, work on what is right for you, what you want… you can never be happy with an abusive partner as it isn’t a healthy relationship and you will be blamed for anything that goes wrong. I started to put boundaries in place just before we separated and that’s when i realised there was never going to be a light bulb moment for my husband where he owned what he had done to me, he is a nasty abusive, lying man who I gave nearly a quarter of a century of my life to.. I have learnt so much that I do not even feel regret (ok, a little regret that I didn’t leave sooner now that I am stronger).
      Lots of ❤ and keep posting

      • #144648
        Peonylove
        Participant

        Thank you. I spoke to womens aid yesterday but didn’t seem to help much. I’ll look at the freedom programme though

    • #144647
      Peonylove
      Participant

      I’m in floods of tears here because he’s being so cold with me in his text messages. My mum is begging me to stand up for myself and I don’t know how to do that. I wish I was stronger

      • #144666
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        🤗😚🤗

    • #144652
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I really identify with aspects of this. I am in a very unequal relationship which occassionally gets quite abusive and it escalates. we have a very up and down rhythm too. I don’t know about you but one of the reasons I can’t get out is it leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted and in desperate need of peace. I get just that,peace not equality,briefly and then either I say or do something to rock the boat and he waits a while before exploding. Sometimes he makes me feel like a terrible person and I wonder how he could possibly like me. Then he makes it better, acts sweetly and as I begin to feel relief he exerts pressure with a demand or a problem I need to solve. Currently thats marriage due to a visa issue. Not meaning to overshare, just relate because when I read your post and replies I thought how objectively clear it is that you should leave and that you’ve already endured a lot. This should be YOUR time. The people who love you and know you best see that. The wear and tear of relationships like these seems to keep us stuck. And the desperation to please. I hope that you/we see a way out soon. Glad you posted and hopeful about what comes next. xx

      • #144657
        Peonylove
        Participant

        Thanks for your message, it’s so hard isn’t it? He’s just ended it (removed by moderator), says I’m untrustworthy. So there you go. Mum reckons he’ll be back again, he usually comes back but just now he’s ignoring me. Have booked a weekend away just now so hopefully that will take my mind off things.xx

    • #144735
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m so sorry to hear this is where you’re left in your situation. Your friends and family sound concerned and I know that in itself can feel pressuring and difficult.

      If it helps to hear – what you’re writing sounds exactly how my relationship started. I was feeling how you’re describing and (removed by moderator) years later of us breaking up and him coming back around. It got worse each time, the triggers got smaller for his abusive behaviour, every attempt I made to make things ok did nothing as the goal posts constantly moved.

      I don’t know how long you’ve been with him – but I wish I had the courage to leave at the beginning when I saw the signs.

      It’s not a normal part of a relationship to be crying every night and having your boyfriend question everything you’re doing and demanding you apologise for normal things. You deserve trust, care and respect.

      It sounds really painful to have been around so much abuse and to have seen your mum go through it too and I really sorry to hear.

      It’s absolutely not hereditary but it’s always worth investigating what might be feeling familiar and what your version of being loved and cared for looks like – and what do you want it to look like? It’s a different thing altogether when we start choosing how we want to be cared for.

      We don’t have control of others or abusive people’s actions – but we can develop different expectations for others and self compassion. It sounds like it’s been really tough – and writing on here is a huge first step. It helped me leave my relationship by using this and it does get better.

      Sending hugs and keep posting x

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