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    • #137760
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      I’ve been speaking to my local women’s aid with nearly 12 months now. I came to realise I’ve been living with emotional abuse and coercive control for years. I’ve told my husband a number of times I want to separate. We tried couples counselling. I stopped that as it wasn’t working.
      He makes himself out to be the victim. I haven’t supported him enough I haven’t made enough allowances for his depression. I could go on and on and on. I have a great network of support behind me. All now encouraging me to go, but when a conversation comes up that I have an opportunity to say to him to move out, I can’t find the strength. I can’t find words. He has another house due to be rented and last night said will I tell prospective tenant that its not available, will I be moving there? But we will have to tell the kids.
      So right there and then weak spot hit and I crumble, couldn’t get words out. Told him I’ve done everything I can for him and its not enough. He says that I never asked him what support he needed, yet he can’t see all I was doing while working full time and raising our kids and doing everything in the house, having dinner on table each day.
      It’s so hard now. I feel I can’t go on like this anymore, i’m so deflated.
      A young member of our family is extremely ill in hospital waiting on outcome of medical investigations to see if they can treat her and even knowing how worried I am over that, he is still putting pressure on me.
      What can i do? How am I going to find the strength? I know its only me can do this, but I’m so so stuck at this step, so completely terrified of hurting the kids, but now I’m getting scared I will make myself sick from the endless stress.
      Please help and advise me

    • #137773
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Searchingforhope,

      Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. It is great to hear you have the support of your local Women’s Aid as well.

      Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #137785
      Teaandcats
      Participant

      Hi Searchingforhope.

      Reading about your life/husband is like reading about my own life, with a few minutes detailschanged.
      Super-high expectations that I would do everything from childcare to housework, cooking, looking after his every want and need while working etc. I remember the very first time a social worker met us in hospital (standard policy check-in) when our of our children was u well – I had gone to the toilet and came back to find him struggling to remember everything from our child’s diagnosis to their date 9t birth…and of course it was my fault that he didn’t know that stuff, mine for not being there and making him look like a fool.

      It is amazing that you have WA support and have recognized what is happening – I didn’t!. You’ve got support behind you. I imagine that doesn’t make it ant less scary, but you have people who know what is happening and want the best for you.

      And that you have been able to start those conversations about him moving out. I’m pretty new here and to understanding all of the tactics that are used, but I think it’s right that you freezing up and not being able to find the words is part of the fear and conditioning… Hopefully our of the ladies who’ve been here a bit longer and know more can fill in a bit more.
      Maybe write what you want to happen down and read it off or send it to him in a text. That way words can’t fail you, you’ve got evidence and can draft & redraft without pressure?

      It took me 3 years (maybe more) to find the words and for him to actually listen to them. In the end I just screamed at him to get out of my house because nothing else had worked. Wouldn’t recommend that… it was bad. He left but he isn’t gone because I didn’t know what was happening until very recently.
      It doesn’t have to be that way fir you. Talk to WA about it. Get advice from the ladies here – they’re a fountainof knowledge and support. Ask one of your supporters to be present with you so there’s a witness who can help you.

      You are doing amazing considering what you have been experiencing.

    • #137787
      GoldenFish
      Participant

      Hi Searchingforhope,

      From what I can understand you want your husband to leave, practically soeaking this is also possible as he has another house but you are unable to talk to him about it. I feel quite the same way. If you can identify your fears, then is more likely to find ways to overcome it. It’s great you have support but if thi has been going over a period of (detail removed by moderator) months it could as well continue for years. My children also asked me when am I going to tell someone about the situation at home. We’re at the end of January and I am still deliberating in anonimity. Do one thing every day to make it happen. Mak. Make it very clear that this doe not work and he needs to leave. As long as you can do this safely it is only a matter of time and emotional strength. You can tell the kids once he has accepted it. You might be afraid of hurting the kids’ feelings. I’ve been there and have been sticking around. The time to end the abuse comes and you will know when the time is right, even if it takes years. It is not easier but it shofts from the resigned acceptance of your fate to a little ray of hope. May that ray shine on you.

    • #137788
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      Thanks so much, it’s scary and unreal to think so many people feel the same way and go through similar. I’ve realised I don’t know what a healthy relationship is. For years I took everything he said to be real and true and never questioned it. It was only when GP mentioned emotional abuse and contacting Womens Aid, that things finally started to fall into place. It was like there was something not quite right for years but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
      But I would never have realise abuse was an issue as I would have thought that had to be physical.
      My biggest fear is hurting my kids. I know in the long term things should settle, but just terrified of hurting them.
      But I’m realising if I don’t do something I will fall down or getting seriously ill and then the kids will be worse off.
      I know there is another conversation coming. Starting drafting a text last night, but was tired and was so basic, but maybe even starting to type out the words, will help me when the time actually comes.
      It’s so exhausting and he asks me does he deserve to be treated so badly!
      Hopefully today will be a better day. (Detail removed by moderator) So that’s all that matters today.

      Thanks

    • #137790
      Tree19
      Participant

      My husband left (detail removed by moderator) ago and he’s still saying it’s my fault and now he wants to come back and I m struggling to say I don’t want him back. He wants me to give him our dog and children I look after because there dad he sees as attractive and I must want him. shoukd I give up all these things to save marriage.
      Our marriage consisted on emotional abuse which Womens aid helped me to see, some physical , he smashed my house up infront of my child when he was drunk once, if I get asked to go out by friends he makes comments to the point I don’t want to go out and then says well I m not stopping you. he tells me some of my clothes are too short or too tight so I ll attract men so I get changed even though I don’t think there anything wronng. He has OCD so everything has to be clean and organised and (detail removed by moderator) Thsts not very easy during the day. He gets stressed if I haven’t done some cleaning due to lack of time. Complains about what I cook and says he d rather have a ready meal. He has called my children names to me but not to them and says my daughter is a bad mother as she’s also in a abusive relationship she’s struggling to get out of. This is my second marriage and both have been controlled. Abusive and violent ( my first) I have children with the first and (detail removed by moderator) step children with the second who I would miss a great deal. I don’t have the strength to say no I don’t want you back as he will blame me for everything and I will feel rubbish and like it’s all my fault. Should I go back and do the things he wants to help my marriage ?

      • #137795
        searchingforhope
        Participant

        From what you have said I really don’t think you should go back. Stay strong now and try not to listen to him. I would get comments like that about going out too, or he would make remarks that was a I trying to impress my male colleagues or boss to get the ride or what! Even typing that now, seems even more shocking than it does in my head.
        That is not healthy what he has done to you.
        He will blame you, he will not be accountable for anything that he has done. He will not see anything that he has done as wrong. Don’t let him bully you or manipulate you. I know it’s so hard. My husband has an answer for everything and although I am better for putting things back on him now, he still manages to turn everything on me and have me doubt and question myself again. I freeze then, can’t speak, go silent and unable to respond to what he’s saying. To which he will say ” oh ya sit there and say nothing” but I have a million voices spinning around my head and I know trying to have a conversation will not work as it’s never his fault.
        You’ve done so well to get to here, stay strong. One day at a time and even one hour at a time. You will get there.

        Sending you love, I know its so difficult. But you can do it

    • #137854
      Tree19
      Participant

      Thank you. He said (detail removed by moderator) he wants to move back in (detail removed by moderator) so I m worried about that

      • #137856
        searchingforhope
        Participant

        You shouldn’t have to change to make him love you more if he (detail removed by moderator). he either loves you for who you are or doesn’t.
        Contact your local WA and ask them for advice on what you should do.
        Stand firm as best you can, I know its so difficult though. You will be so much better free of him.

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