Cant form any sort of relationships with men

[Shura]

Hi all, feel so down. After abusive relationship a while ago a decided its time to get back out there and go on some dates. I thought im okay now and i feel good and confident but its feels like everyone is lying and i keep ghosting people. Some have been quite good but it doesnt go past the 1st dates. Never. I have that anxious feeling after , i dont know if it makes sense even. I feel like i cant trust anyone.

[yuyu]

Hello Shura, this is Yuyu. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. I see, that is a very tough situation. I would like to say it is okay you feel that way. Dating is not something I am very knowledgeable about, but it is very hard to feel trust and build a relationship in dating sometimes. I think your anxious feelings and worry are okay to feel.

Is there anyone you can reach to for support with the feelings you get regarding dating? Maybe the support of a close one can help ease the tension.

I want to say you are doing an amazing job just by getting out there and having first dates. That in itself is a really good achievement.

[Shura]

Thank you Yuyu. I get panic attacks just before the dates, i know i have to continue with my life and i really want to. I cant talk to anyone as all my family says im just too picky and i have to get on with it. The fact that my little one is completely against me dating makes me even more anxious as hes seen my ex husbands assaults and listened to his verbal abuse for years. She keeps telling me we are only girls family and we dont need men. Keeps checking my phone if i have any messages from men, if i do i have to explain who they are and why they are texting me. Keeps listening to all my conversations when i talk to people on the phone and i have to tell her who that was on the phone just now. I feel so sorry for the people i have been on dates with as i never want to be rude to them by not replying after and how they must feel when i just leave them in the dark. its so overwelming. and i have been single for couple of years now so i cant understand why i still feel this way. it should be okay by now. i have done so much work on myself, at least i thought i had. it feels like what my ex has done is still haunting me. not him as a person but what he did. i dont even know if it makes sense.

[yuyu]

Hello Shura, Thank you for your reply.

From what I am hearing, it seems you are facing many pressures when dating from your family and also from the worry your little one has for you after their experience as well. I am sorry that there are also family member listening in to your conversations and asking for all the details as well, this sounds quite difficult to navigate. I see, having panic attacks sounds tough as well.

Are there any methods you can use when you have a panic attack or professional services you can call to talk about it? Maybe a helpline to talk to such as the Samaritans may help a bit as a resource if you feel anxious as well. Would you feel safe reaching out to a professional or would that not be a good option? It is also fine if you would prefer to take a different path.

A method I was taught about for panic attacks is to focus on the senses, like on the colours and sights etc that you see so then the focus goes from the thoughts to the surroundings again; to hold onto something that makes you feel comfy, or think of safe things. I am not sure if this is good advice though, so please let me know if I am not right.

Your words make perfect sense. You have done very well, working on yourself, recognising your difficulties with dating and also sharing the impact your ex has had on you. I cannot give a concrete answer as I am not an expert, but I think it is fine to feel like what your ex is doing is haunting you. I too feel the pain that people inflicted on me in the past even today. In my opinion you are doing your best, and I believe that you can and will definitely continue on with your life. I think what you are currently doing is amazing in itself.

[Shura]

Thank you for your support Yuyu 🙂
Ive learned to deal with panic attacks , i just concentrate on my breathing, it is difficult at first when it feels like i cannot take a full breath and body begins to shake as im desperately trying to gasp for air but it gets better but i will definitely try your suggestions as i haven’t actually talked about it to anyone as people see me as this strong and independent woman and mom but what they dont realize is that im so broken inside. i guess its my own fault because i smile during the day and pretend all is good and im not struggling anymore. it got to the point when i was told by my family that its time stop grieving abusive relationship and move on and i did, on the outside. Guess it felt like its working and i have actually healed but once i began the dating i realized the trauma is still there , maybe. I dont know. its so confusing sometimes and overwhelming x*x

[StrongLife]

Hi there,

I imagine this is common. I have not had close relationships- even working relationships- it’s very difficult. I have gone to male counsellor since – attempting to fix this. I have yet to get there. I have not dated in a while.

[Author]

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