Can’t get my head around it all and struggling to move forward

[Cheesestring]

I don’t even know where to begin or how to explain this past year. I have just finished a relationship with the help and support from my family and friends, for who I am very grateful. They all have said separately that looking from the outside they thought I was in an abusive relationship. They told me I changed, became withdrawn and anxious all the time. To an extent I can see what they are saying, but I can’t come to terms with it.

I still feel that if I had been different, been more honest about when I had plans with friends, gone out with my friends less, then it could have been different. If I’d have been better then he wouldn’t have needed to yell and shout at me. His moods were unpredictable, one minute we would be having a lovely day, the next he would be shouting at me until I became a hysterical wreck, and then keep going. But is this abuse?? I feel a fraud being on here in a way. He hit me only on one occasion back in (detail removed by moderator) and it has never happened since. But emotionally I feel destroyed and beaten.

Someone That has been supporting me has a mental health professional background and said to me they think he has personality disorder, and what he did to me was his own coping mechanisms. I can’t get my head around this and therefore also find it hard to blame him when he didn’t realise what he was doing to me. He was convinced that I was the one in the wrong always, and there was no telling him otherwise. To him, I was a liar, dishonest and untrustworthy. I wasn’t always upfront about when I was asked to do something with friends, as I was scared of his reaction. But maybe If I’d have been upfront it would have been okay.

Anyway, since ending it I miss him so badly. My mind is only thinking of the good parts. I’m also so scared I’ll never meet anyone again that I love as much, or loves me as much as he said he loved me. He told me I’d regret ending it and if I try to go back he would laugh in my face. I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to believe or what to do anymore 🙁 thank you for reading x

[KIP.]

Please don’t ever blame mental illness for domestic abuse. This man chose to abuse you. As hard as it is to believe. This is how abusers work. He was always in control of his actions and you could be the most perfect partner in the world but an abuser simply changes to goal posts as an excuse to continue his abuse. Please read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You only miss the fake him, who was charming and loving just to keep you reeled in. The real him is a nasty selfish self serving abuser who get his kicks from seeing you distraught. It gives him a sense of power. Looking back my ex was on,y ever abusive to me in private. He would manage to have a great night out with me but as soon as there were no witnesses his abusive outburst would start. Meaning he knew exactly what he was doing. Our life becomes totally focussed on them and their needs so when the relationship ends we are left floundering. This feeling will pass. Don’t mix up mental health problems with domestic abusers. They are not the same and it give abusers an excuse to hide behind. If he had a mental illness he would treat everyone the way he treated you. Abuser single is out and make us vulnerable. I promise it will get better. Keep,posting and stay zero contact. Abusers often try to hoover us back up. They are emotional vampires and always need victims to make themselves feel good x

[Cheesestring]

Thank you so much for your reply. Everything you are saying rings true to me. In terms of the mental health, I know that it and abuse are not the same thing, and I know that mental health does not lead to abuse, but l I think I’m my head I’m still making excuses for him because I can’t bring myself to accept the truth, but I’m starting to see it more now. I’m just still in that place where I’m so confused and lost with it all.

When I look at it rationally I know it was not good. Same as you, in company of others he was lovely and made me feel good. Most recently we met up with a mutual friend and had a lovely evening, after we said bye to the friend, a two hour arguement ensued because I said I was meeting some friends that weekend and he was annoyed that I hadn’t told him up until this point. It’s ludicrous thinking about it, but I guess I still love him. And even now I’m thinking more ‘aww but we did have a lovely time when we were out with our friend’’ and overlooking the awful argument afterwards. I sometimes think what is wrong with me, why is my mind working that way?! I just hope it does get easier. Thank you again x*x

[Iwantmeback]

We minimise their behaviour as its the only logical way to deal with it. Think of it this way, if it was a friend or a stranger taking to you the way he does, would you accept it?
Id be so afraid of letting my oh know id been asked out(i no longer go out unless (detail removed by moderator), but it’s an excuse to get away from him).
Try and keep a journal of his abuse, date time where when what he did, verbal emotional physical. It might help show a cycle and it will definately show you just how nasty he can be when you’re doubting what you think or feel.
Welcome to the firum, the more you read and post, the stronger you will become. You’ll find yourself again.
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

My ex used this its a trick up their sleeve, when I requested that his mental health was examined it was announced that there was actually nothing wrong with him xx 💕

[Cheesestring]

Thank you everyone, already this forum has helped me so much, just reading everyone’s posts and advice.

I’m sorry to hear that you no longer go out unless (detail removed by moderator). Even if you don’t feel like it anymore I think it’s so important to have that as a space for you when you are away from him for a couple of hours. I hope you all find yourselves/have found yourselves again too 💜 feels like a long road with so many doubts but it feels slightly easier knowing this forum is here. Thank you again xx

[FeelingDesperate]

Hi Cheesestring,
Our stories sound very similar. I have been out of the relationship for a year now. It’s been a really tough long road, full of self doubt and soul searching however I’m determined to get through this. I cut contact a couple of months ago, although it’s hard at first I think it will be the best thing to have done. It’s the letting go I have found the hardest as I too feel like I still love him at times and wonder if I will ever find anyone again. Slowly day by day hopefully I will have let go fully and be able to welcome someone new and healthier into my life.

[Author]

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