Cant help but love him

[Wateringcan]

I still love him:( i think about him all the time when will my feelings for him go!? :((((

[KIP.]

Is it love or trauma bonding? Either way there is a grieving process that we need to go through for the loss of our relationship, even if it was abusive and for the hopes and dreams we had for our future……… here’s something to think about x but it does get easier. Start slowly filling up that void with things that bring you happiness x

Life is not punishing you by taking something from you. It is bringing you exactly what you need to experience to amplify your growth, awaken your consciousness, and heal your old wounds. You are upgrading to the next level in your life. The new circumstances you manifest are all being orchestrated so that you can experience greater amounts of love, abundance, happiness and freedom.

[Wateringcan]

This is the thing.. ive looked into trauma bonding and i can see how some of what i feel is due to a trauma bond but then i also feel like alot of what i am feeling is a genuine loss.. like i really miss him and the good memories i have of him are playing over in my mind and i keep doubting if ive done the right thing or not. I can see hes actually putting in the effort to change aswell which makes it a lot harder coz i feel the love for him again like hes the becoming the person i loved at the beginning again. What if im not upgrading my life .. what if ive made a mistake and lost the only man ive ever loved.

[KIP.]

Loving him won’t stop the abuse and you deserve better. I’m sure that there were many good times as we wouldn’t stay if there weren’t and abusers are expert at people pleasing. It’s how they suck us in and trap us. I thought I’d found my soul mate. Our brains will push the good memories to the front as a way to protect us from pain. Start by writing a journal of every incident of abuse and how it’s made you feel. Time and zero contact are the way to heal quicker as we are extremely vulnerable to these men for a very long time. Imagine him harming a loved one the way he’s harmed you, it makes you realise that they truly never loved us. Love doesn’t hurt and destroy us deliberately. I don’t believe these men are capable of change and even if they do, the trust is completely gone. The effort he’s making isn’t to change, it’s to make you think he’s changed into the person you met in the beginning but that person doesn’t exist, it’s a mask they wear to trap us and eventually that mask slips and you’ve seen the real him, he’s shown you his true colours. Breaking that bond is like breaking a drug addiction. Painful and dangerous in the beginning but the longer you’re away the more you understand that habit is dysfunctional and destructive. Just hang in there till that craving phase passes, the fog clears, the fear Obligation and Guilt of abuse. I was once where you are and there is a lovely life out there free from abuse. I know it doesn’t fell like it just now but that’s the abuse talking x

[Wateringcan]

Ive been zero contact for a long time and it has helped but keep feeling like im taking 10 steps all the time whenever he pops in to my head 🙁
I think your right in how you have explained it as being an addiction. I feel i NEED him. I get random panic attacks and then the first thought is I need him! Its so strange and it really confuses me coz thats when i start doubting it all and blaming myself.
How long did it take you to feel like you was pass that phase? I know every one heals at a different pace just wish it would be quicker so the pain would stop and my mind would clear x

[KIP.]

I was with my abuser for decades and he did a great job with the brainwashing. Making me feel I couldn’t live without him. Telling me I couldn’t survive without him so I had lots to sort out but it took six months before I stopped moving stuff round the house because I was scared it would set him off, even though he wasn’t near me then the next stage was two years before I truly believed he couldn’t persuade me to come back, then five years to not be scared he was coming back to finish me off. But in that time I built on my remaining friendships, I learned everything I could about abusers and domestic abuse. When your normal has been domestic abuse, it’s hard to move on because as human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if that normal is abuse. You can’t rush the healing process but you can learn from it x try som mindfulness and distraction techniques every time he pops into your head. I wore an elastic band on my wrist and pinged it when my mind drifted to him. It’s a long hard slog but you will get there x

[Wateringcan]

You have done very well then. Hoping ill be at that point soon x

[Bettertimesahead]

Kip, the bit about moving stuff round the house in case it set him off really resonated with me.Im v early in, my journey, a difficult divorce ahead, but I still struggle to do things in the house that would have caused a scene. I always make sure kettle isn’t empty for example. But time is helping. Initially I couldn’t face packing any of his stuff up but now I have an occupation order so it feels safer to do it.

[KIP.]

Yes I too had an occupation order after bail. I packed some of his stuff then unpacked it and then packed it then unpacked it lol. I moved it out the moved it in. Eventually I dumped it in the shed and there it sat for (detail removed by moderator) years. He sent people round (detail removed by moderator) different times and still left the majority. Even though he had permission via lawyers to send a friend round any time to collect it. My advice is to get rid of everything that’s his. Dump it at his friend or family as soon as possible, get it as far from you as you can, and don’t give him a link back x my lawyer told me I couldn’t do this as it was still his home. What a stupid thing to tell a victim of domestic abuse so if you have the opportunity, list everything, take photos and get it away from you ASAP. Those feelings of control will ease x so will the fear of him. We have lived in such a dysfunctional way for so long, it takes time to rewire our brains but you will get there x

[Bettertimesahead]

Thanks Kip. A friend helped me organise a lot in the shed a few weeks ago. Plan to do bit more at weekend. There is stuff connected with his work here too , going to ask for my solicitor to give him a timescale for that to be removed.

[Confusedandanxious]

Changing things really resonates with me too he got upset when i packed 1 box of his things even though everything else remained the same. I have slowley taken pictures down and redecorated the hallway but it is a long process. My bedroom is what i really want to change but i know that will cause the most stress as he will take it that i am obviously having a new man in there. Like you said before i am over a decade used to reacting to the behaviours that i know and bow down to so am no way ready to get involved with anyone else. I know i need to get some boxes and pack away all of his stuff but i am so acustomed to not doing things incase he reacts.

[KIP.]

Don’t give him the opportunity of a timescale. He won’t keep it and my solicitor said I couldn’t remove his stuff as he owned half the house. It stayed in the shed. Just make arrangements yourself to drop it at a mutual friend. Don’t open this door to his games.

[Bettertimesahead]

Thanks.
It seems to take a while for me to be able to accept I can do things. Took me over 2 months before I blocked his number, felt wrong before that but after he breached bail with several texts and calls I did it. Felt hard but definitely helped. He doesn’t speak to his family, has alienated nearly all his friends. If he forces me to sell house he will need to collect or it will be dumped

[FacingRealityAtLast]

its so diffic – can relate – if he was totally repulsive it would have been easy to separate obvs. Those good times are real .. but are they enough? Dont the bad times prevent honest love where you can trust someone not to hurt you – or if/when they do hurt you, you know they will be truly sorry and try not to do whatever it is again? That they would try to understand? Isn’t it exactly this, that is the problem? It is for me – and yes it is confusing and difficult – I am only in the first stages of separation … even now I’m not sure because he is a human being and I forgive him … BUT I try to hang onto the bad times too … the good times are good memories and I won’t deny them – but it is the abuse that is the problem and if he won’t change then that’s your. our answer.

Sorry if this is bad analogy but say you had your favourite meal; and then someone wee’d or poo’d all over it. Doesnt mean you didnt enjoy the meal before that happened but not sure you would want a memento! Or nm that idea – say you wanted to love someone, to feel safe to attach to them for all the normal reasons – but they kept hurting and disrespecting you over n over …would *you* do that to someone? You can love all you like but seems if it doesnt go both ways in the important values that matter, then as that saying goes, ‘what’s love got to do with it?’

That’s what i’m thinking atm – hope this helps … tc yourself .. remember the good times but remember the bad times n take even more care of yourself to avoid this horrible type of ‘love’.

[Onwardsupwards]

I’ve been feeling the same way and just read this. Never heard of trauma bonding, but I thought I’d research it and suddenly it makes so much sense! All of a sudden I understand my own feelings and thoughts. It hasn’t helped particularly just yet, I feel a sense of loss too and keep thinking he does love me. But really, he doesnt. Love isn’t supposed to hurt and leave scars. I’ve always known that but the battle in my head…

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