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My ex husband who i left several years ago has started to emotionally abuse my children and tell them i can not let them sleep out or go on trips without his prior consent. I may as well still be married to him i feel like i can’t live my life how i want to and that i live in a shadow permanently. I have reached out over the past few months for help to move on again and it appears the only way is to go back to court.
My outreach worker is encouraging me to move on quickly with it but my gut says its going to get messy and don’t do it. She was my support worker when i was in refuge and she knows i will back out of it. I am just fearing what if i do this what will he do.
(detail removed by moderator)i have had a constant chest pain and i struggle not to cry in front of my children. I need to be able to make decisions about my children going on cub camps or sleeping out at friends on my own without being scared of what will be said when i dont get his permission and it is bad when his own children wont tell him because they know he will shout and call me names.
I’m just ranting and venting as no one understands how difficult it can be to make these decisions they dont know how they impact on my life i want to curl up under a rock and wait for the storm to pass (detail removed by moderator).
Sorry to rant
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Are you no contact with your ex. Can you arrange for a third party to act as a go between so that you have no contact with him. Use a contact book with the children. If you don’t have a court agreement he will mess you about. Is this why you’re going to court? Sometimes you have to accept help and advice from people who spend their lives dealing with abusers. I know the anxiety that comes with these decisions but sometimes doing nothing isn’t an option. If he’s shouting and calling you names, that’s illegal and you can ring the police. You don’t need his permission. Remember that these men are liars. No contact means no mind games.
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I need no contact but there is no order in place. He has told the kids he must know everything they do because he has to look out for them to make sure they are safe. I have a court order but it needs to be more precise even the womens centre have agreed my support worker remembers everything he did when i first accessed their services. I’m scared of how he will react once he receives the papers to return to court. He believes he is in the right he has told me his court order states he has the right to know what the kids are doing as they re his kids and i should be grateful he let me have residence.
I want to move on and meet someone else but he is sat on my shoulder chipping away at my head all the time i can’t even take steps to go for a drink yet. I don’t want my life to be like this any more or my kids they are being emotionally abused now and i cant bare it
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I remember when my ex was n my head. Even a long time after we split I would be thinking of the consequences of any decisions. The truth is he is irrelevant. You just need to concentrate on parenting your children in a good positive way and if they tell you what he’s saying just dismiss it with a shake of your head and carry on with parenting how you see fit. It’s none of his business. I think you need a court order in place otherwise his controlling behaviour will never end. It protects you and your kids from his abuse and you have tried things his way and it’s getting worse. Remember, above all they are liars. What kind of court order says he has the right to know what the kids are doing? He can just ask them when he sees them. He didn’t let you have residence, you’re probably entitled to it anyway. They lie and twist the truth. That’s why no contact is so important for you.
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His court order will say exactly the same as your copy of the court order. Have you checked the wording? It’s my understanding that while the children are in your care you have the parental responsibility to decide what they do, except for big decisions like leaving the country or changing schools. You can check the law on parental responsibility on the government website. My ex tried this kind of thing a lot and I have my solicitor send him a letter reminding him of the law and advising him not to attempt contact to discuss it further. It’s also possible to alter the court order by agreement via solicitors without going to court. But I don’t think you need court to exercise your rights in these matters. KIP’s right, he’s lying. I know my local outreach worker didn’t have the best understanding of legal stuff, so I would rely on a solicitor for those things. I know it feels scary to go against what your ex says but unless you do he’ll never stop. Yes mine made the children suffer after each time I stood up to his tactics, but the clear consistent message to him is that I won’t tolerate any nonsense from him. And it is actually working. My children are getting to see each time what kind of person he is and making their own decisions about him.
You’re right, you can’t live like this, so why not just start saying yes to things. He has no power to stop you xx -
Hello, I agree with the ladies above. From what I have always understood major decisions should be run by the other parent and I think in normal family relationships that’s the right thing to do, after all they are co-parenting outside of any relationship they might have had. Unfortunately for us, we cannot co-parent because it allows the domestic abuse to continue in a very debilitating way. You are entitled to make parenting decisions about where your children go and who they see in their normal day to day lives, and it simply isn’t practical or reasonable for that to always be run by the other parent for approval, so its unreasonable to start with. Say, for example, he had major concerns about their safety, well there’s a way for him to raise those concerns, in an appropriate way, but when you know there are no such issues and could demonstrate that, if asked, it shows that he has another agenda, which is about control, and not care for the children. What’s very telling is the issue about him being ‘in your head’. I’ve had this too, and I am sure it is common in abusive relationships. His voice crowds out your own ability to think and to see what is reasonable and balanced, and the fear of his behaviour if you act outside of his demands is always present. What helped me was asking others, ‘is this reasonable?’ and ‘am I being fair?’. I did this for quite a while, and its strange because they were questions anyone would normally not need to ask, but I had to because he was ‘in my head’ and I was very confused and afraid for a long time. Remember, these men often say they will ‘destroy us’ either through their own actions or by using the court to do this to us, and they use our children as our achilles heel, because what else do they have to get to us but through the love we have for our children and our concern for their welfare. I am glad you have an outreach worker for support, she is the person you can ask, when you need to, ‘is this reasonable?’ it can just help you to balance yourself when he’s permanently trying to destabilise you. I really needed to lean on the outreach worker I met from Women’s Aid as well as the ladies I spoke to on the telephone or through the Freedom Programme because at that time I couldn’t think straight and I was filled with fear of what was going to happen. Yes, I thought he would destroy us. I used to hide in the kitchen and (i’m not religious) but almost praying for the strength to carry on each and every day. I was mentally and physically very ill for quite a long time. Anyway, I’m still here and my daughter is growing older and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, some way in the distance. But I think we just have to keep on towards that goal as our children grow, trying to keep them safe, and keeping ourselves safe, mentally and physically. So, although we can never say they will not carry out their threats, we can know that it is a common abusive tactic to frighten us into giving in and if we give in we are back to square one, under the control of an abusive person. You say you can’t live your life the way you want to. I have had a decade of what I think of as ‘dead years’, that is, years I have had to ‘throw away’ because I haven’t been able to live my life properly because of my daughter’s abusive father. I have just lived for one goal, that is to raise my daughter and keep her safe and well. So he has had the control still, he has damaged my life and I can’t get that time back. So it’s important what you say about not being able to live your life because I can see that you are afraid of making the decision about what to do about this. xx
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I’ve been away from the internet for a while. Thank you for your comments i have been leaning on my outreach worker doing the freedom programme again going to survivors for support i am in court on Monday cafcass have been in touch. I am now worrying because he has a solicitor and i have my outreach worker. I am to do all the talking but i’m scared i will fluff it up completely. Oh well no going back i made a decision to do this to get things in order so i dont have to talk to him unless they children become ill etc…
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Everything went as it needed to and he dug himself into a hole a per. Just read the cafcass report and he has lied apparently im jealous and manipulative espesially when he is settled in life i apparently abuse my children by rough handling them and calling them animals. I also was seeing other people in whilst married and he divorced me. All complete and utter lies i cant believe it
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Good for you taking his sorry lying a*s back to court. Hideous that he has put you through that miserable time, just to play mind games.
They need to get a life, a decent one, for a change, and stop harassing women and children. Seriously pathetic & damaging excuses using children as pawns in their attempt to Control and manipulate, even from a distance when he’s categorically out of order, is vile and totally totally non negotiable.
Who does he think he is ( a nobody!) your in charge hun. No need to explain the mind games.. we know…are torture,so stressful. You did amazing!I hope you can feel safer and secure in the knowledge that your a good parent Making adult considered and caring decisions every day.
Well done for being brave & protecting your children and keeping him o.u.t!
Big hugs.
Cx
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