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It’s been a tough week; my school aged daughter was attacked by a gang of boys in her same year. Luckily no real harm done, minor injuries, although her esteem has taken a big knock. She has problems anyway having the dad she does, has worked hard in counselling this last year and we were at a better place. Now this.
I’ve been so caught up in dealing with what needed to be done, and trying to get to a place of what have we learnt here, that I completley missed what she is going through really, missed that this is a process and she will need time before getting to the other side of it.
It hit home when she said she’s learnt the world is unfair and not a nice place. I had to agree and say yes, sometimes. Believe it or not, it was only then at this point that I really thought about how it may have felt for her during and shortly after the incident. Shocking huh. Wondering if maybe I just couldn’t let it in? Its so unlike me, I’m usually atuned to her emotional needs, but this has been different – more complex, more going on. More to deal with on a practical level for sure. I did feel a bit overwhelmed once I let it in and PAIN – much pain. We work so very hard not to let pain in sometimes, and yet it is needed, its part of it, and it serves to inform us. I’m thinking it was something to do with my worlds colliding in some way?
I can tolerate the painful emotions, hers and mine, that’s ok – ish. I know that she needs to first feel the victim before she can make sense and get to feeling she survived as hard as this is to do.
The thing that angers me is that one mum has not approached me, which is probably a good thing, but I can hear her voice now, oh they were just messing about, boys being boys – she’s a peggy mitchell type, will defend her boys to the end and beyond; and she’s at the centre of everything, makes it her business, and infleunces others a great deal.
Even my close friend thought it was helpful to say bet they were just messing about – really feel this ok to think and say, as long as its followed by, but its not ok is it, it shows us how accidents can an do happen and what we need to do to try and help prevent this type of thing happening.
This is an opportunity for the parents to pull their kids up and help them realise this is never ok. I know some of the mums will and have done this, but I know others won’t. I know people will form their opinions without knowing the full details – which is uncomfortable, knowing they’re all making judgements, talking about this and us – but as I cant do a thing about that I will live with it and let that go.
These boys are vulnerable in my eyes and at risk, as they grow up entitled, doing whatever is required to win at all costs, reckless and severely lacking in personal responsiblity; blind to others and only concerned with the self really. They risk ruining someone elses life, many lives, as well as their own if it happens again and someone really gets injured or when they are old enough to be punished for their crime.
The part that tipped me over the edge, and I cant seem to work out why, is that I knew I would have to tell her dad, I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I dont. I hardly ever email him, only when I have to and I thought this was probably one of those occassions. After Id sent it, it left me feeling panicked and unable to cope and I dont know why. I always dread getting an email from him so that’s in there but what is it I cant seem to deal with? I only know it was adding something else into the mix and that it was this that toppled me.
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It’s times like this, that we know this is when there’s a helluva long way to go before the dynamics of abusive behaviour and people reactions to it are seen and recognised. It’s times like this that schools should be able to hold open nights to educate on abuse, it’s methods, the consequences etc. Unfortunately that woman’s reply, boys will be boys is how many people actually think. it’s something they’ll grow out of,,but we know only too well, that some of those boys will grow up and the abuse will continue and worsen.
I’m sorry to hear know you’re feeling after sending your ex that email. It’s his opening into your life, it’s an opening for his abusive behaviour to tarnish your new life.
take care, try and not let him into your head too much.xx
IWMB 💕💕 -
Something similar happened to my child and I involved the police. I’m so glad I did. I gave the school the opportunity to deal with it and they didn’t. The boys involved were arrested and various agencies involved. I can tell you those boys never stepped over the line again, at least not with my child. I wouldn’t have any contact with your ex if he is an abuser. Even emailing him is toxic to you. Contact just gives him the opportunity to continue abusing you. If he was interested in his daughters life he would be aware of what goes on in her life. Cut him right out the loop. Try to explain to your daughter that the world is a good place and we all get out of it exactly what we put in. Try to stay positive with her and show her that actions have consequences.
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I think youre right IWMB, its an opening when I feel vulnerable and knowing what I know, I know he’ll likely attack or use it against me in some way – guess usally I can deal with that, but I cant take anymore at present. I’m not going to check for his reply until I am ready. Ive done what I needed to do and informed him. I dont need a reply. Feel for my daugher as she’ll get his judegements and twenty questions and this is not want she needs – guess I’m feeling pwerless to protect her again too. Thanks hun xx
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Thanks KIP, sound advice, feel like I can breath again. Youre right, I shouldnt have mailed. She’s not gone to school today and I have been left feeling I may need to justify my actions and be on shakey ground – I dont do I. I did what I thought was best, I gave her what she needed. So frightened sometimes of the powers that be taking his side – with the likelyhood of court coming up on the horizon. What I’m really taking away is that I need to stay positive and yes, focus on the consequences and that we get out what we put in. Thank you xx
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Oh fizzy I’m sorry hun I know exactly how you feel honest xx sending you a big hug, you really have given me comforting words so here’s some from me ☺
Your a great mum you’ve been there completely for your daughter, head on you’ve gripped the bull by the horns. Of course this is going to hurt both if you another blow. We’re the same, I do feel that we ourselves feel so vulnerable at times because of what we have all been through. Your actually so much stronger than these people. You are clever and astute you know how this works and you have empathy + unconditional love that’s all she needs. I tell my girl yes there are bad people out there but learn to see the sights know who they are and stay well clear. I know this isn’t always possible xx have you reported it at all ? Don’t be scared to stand your ground and screw the ignorant parent they know no better. Kids are resilient you will both be fine, thus will make you stronger xx much love diymum 💪 💕 ❤ ✌ 👭xxxx
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Thanks for your words DM, yes I think the bedtime talks are on going hey – how long we got? Think we can do this up to 21?! Lol. Just feels like theres always so much to discuss, and does any of it actually go in? It can only be given in bite sizes as well hey, and it cant all be deep and meaningful every night can it, we have to throw in some giggles and fun too. We will get there, I know you will for sure, me I perhaps need to find a little more faith in myself yet – maybe when we have our new place I will feel differently again – really do hope so.
Yes I reported to school and so far they seem to be handling it well, they said they will follow up with me so we’ll see, as there are things I’d like to add and to say.
Hoping you’ve had a better day – seems a lot of us forum lifers have gone down one way or another this week, well we won’t be down for long! Xx
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I can understand your triggered reaction in sending the email. You we’re probably subconsciously recalling all those times when you needed his emotional support that he wasn’t there for you, or when he twisted things to somehow use it against you.
I also get you feeling a bit emotionally cut off at first. It was a protective mechanism, whilst you came to terms with the situation. Don’t feel bad. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s our brain’s way of processing information so as to not overload us.
There will always be parents who won’t believe that their kids are capable of bad things. People are wrong to minimise any kind of bullying. We can only keep on ploughing ahead, leading by example, showing our kids that it’s possible to be strong, principled as well as happy in this world, that there is much good in the world, but we need to be on the look out for bad and that we can stand up for ourselves and create strong and healthy boundaries so that we can protect ourselves and enjoy the positive things. I kind of think of it like the old Ready Brek advert, with the person leaving home on a cold morning with the warm glow surrounding them. Whatever is around us, we can be stronger than it is. I hope that your daughter increases in strength and experiences the good that exists in life.
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hi fizz,
you know me and the job i do – i think the way my job has moulded me. so turn this on its head. i do believe there can be a positive taken from every senario. id ask if the school can show you the anti-bully policy and also could they ask that you are given the chance to talk to the parents face to face? not sure how your daughter would feel though? its always best to be honest- but of course people dont always understand DV. you never know the parents might agree. it also shows your ex that your dealing with this, your being a protective parent and your not going to tolerate bullies!:)
did you read the chapter about imagining a lovely cottage, with the gate?where you choose who you let in? that includes your own mind. its the power of thinking, the putting the boundaries up and excluding the bad from your lives. i know this wasnt her choice in what happened which makes everyone feel a little out of control, take it back if you can x*x luv diymum xxxx
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Thanks for your thoughts S, youve helped me a great deal. I think because I am struggling to see the good in the world right now I feel ill equippped to teach it, show it, be the role model we both need me to be – this is the bit I’m falling down on – so thanks for helping me pinpoint this it is needed. I do know I will get there again though, I will always stand in my truth now and be principled – tick, need to work on the strong and the happy parts but I am moving towards.
Love the ready break image, this is the picture of pure, impenetrable resiliance, to know I am stronger than anything life throws me, that I can and will deal with it, my self protection shield is fully operational – means I am free to enjoy life. I think I am getting there with this, its about doing what you can and also having the ability to recognise when it is one of those times when you need a bit of help too isn’t it. It’s about recognising we are all vulnerable and sooner or later we all need a bit of help – so go and get it, do what is needed, get past it, grow and learn.
Cant believe what you said about the trigger – in my crash I had some flashbacks to when I called on him for help in my hour of need, when in hospital and when my dad died – which, thinking about it now, was a bit wierd, as these times were years ago and Ive not really recollected these memories for such a long time – you’re spot on, I’d not really paid any attention to these until you said. Yes, everytime I needed him he was not there, and I mean ‘everytime’. I remember feeling dumbfounded,hurt and panicked being alone. So yes, I do think this was also in there. It was the feelings and realisation feelings that he isnt there, but maybe this time not only for me, but now also for our child. Wow, thanks – def making sense to me now. I’m not going to email again now ever, whatever happens in future.
Feeling much better now about being emotionally cut off to begin with, she needed me to act first and I needed to do this to do that. I’m there for her now, I know I’m devoted and doing the best I can.
I’m going to lift your words and say to my daughter, whatever is around us we can be stronger than it is. Thank you xx
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I hear what you are saying DM and totes get why KIP did what she did, I will do what is needed, but just now I have to see if the school repsonds appropriately, as at present they seem to be handling it quite well, if this changes then yes, good idea, I will ask to see the policy. In fact, if our next meeting doesnt go as I hope I will ask for a copy then!
Each scenario is different hey and actions decided case by case.
We live in a small community, face to face with all of them is not going to bode well, for example, if this woman says one thing to upset me I could react and make our situation worse. I’m sensitive and vulnerable and she is not going to help me with that! In fact, it would give her ammo if I did react badly hey.
One of the boys mum’s and I have been able to be open and honest and have supportive adult conversations – which has led to the best outcome being achieved, but, she approached me, so this could happen. Had these other mum’s wanted to do the same then they could have, fine, but they have chosen to remain quiet and let school deal with it, as I have – likely to avoid it getting out of hand too – these are our kids hey, can get heated very quickly.
Interestingly, it is the boys who cause the most problems for everyone else, their mums that have taken this option! Yes, so maybe I should take it on with the mums, not saying never, just its not appropriate right now. But also, I have no real idea how they have dealt with it do I? I’m going to ask at the school meeting how were they punished in school.
I will read the encourage chapter today! Hope you’re ok, sending you wishes for the good stuff and willing you on xx
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Right bac at you fizz ☺I hope things have calmed down for the week ahead. This is where Im at too, one day at a time deal with things that happens as it comes. Stick to the gut instincts we have a follow them, use our knowledge to shed a bit of light on what it seems that the up coming generation (these boys in particular) have no respect for others especially women but also their families. Your doing great keep that safe feeling around you xx were here with you in spirit 😊👭💪💕💕much luv diymum xx
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