17th November 2020 at 9:33 pm #116472veryconfusedParticipant
I moved out of home X weeks ago. I told my husband that it was a temporary break but I knew almost straight away that I didn’t want to go back. I had wanted to leave for a long time but its such a hard thing today and I really just wanted him to change, not for the marriage to be over. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive for many years. He has controlled so many aspects of my life. He says that I exaggerate how badly he has treated me and that its not abuse because he has never hit me. I have read Living with the Dominator and recognise the characteristics of ‘King of the Castle’ and ‘The Headworker’ in my husband. I have also read ‘Should I stay or should I go’ by Lundy Bancroft. My husband has not shown any signs of acknowledging that he has treated me badly. It my mind, it wasn’t terrible (although my friends tell me it was) and so sometimes I feel like maybe it could be ok if I could be more tolerant.
He has got some professional help for his self esteem but would not seek a program for men who mistreat women which is what I suggested. He keeps telling me (detail removed by moderator). He desperately wants me back but then says things like (detail removed by moderator). I was basically his cook and maid which is why he finds it inconvenient.
Deep down I don’t believe he has changed but I feel so guilty about not going back. When I think of some of the things he has done, like photographing young women (detail removed by moderator), I know that I deserve better. Since I moved out he has told me several times that he can’t wait much longer for me to come back and he’s going to have to find someone else.
I can already see a brighter, happier life ahead of me without him. There will be some challenges and I will be a lot poorer financially but I will have a life. Why do I feel so guilty about doing what I want?
18th November 2020 at 5:26 am #116478BettertimesaheadParticipant
I’m (detail removed by moderator) into my journey and initially felt a lot of guilt ,especially as I’m in our house and hes in a (detail removed by moderator). But the guilt is getting less, he has shown no remorse, wants me back but is doing absolutely nothing that would make me want to. He chose to treat me badly and this is the consequence. If the guilt kicks in I will read the list of bad things I wrote. 5 pages of them….
18th November 2020 at 4:00 pm #116498Eve1Participant
I think we feel guilty because we’ve been trained to. Abusers make everything our fault. And we are kind, intelligent people, non abusive, who are willing to look at things and ask, is it me? It isn’t. Also they want us to feel guilty. It’s another manipulation tactic to win you back so that he can feel powerful and in control again. You’ve said he shows no remorse, he’s done despicable things and he’s obviously on the lookout for another chief cook and bottle washer. You have no reason to feel guilty.
Iwanted to reply to you because I’m also much worse off financially after leaving my abusive husband a good number of years ago and I can look into old age and know that situation won’t change. It’s been hard, but still it’s my life now, my decisions. I’ve been much happier living a life without control by someone else, without guaranteed misery and oppression. You can have that brighter future, it’s absolutely what you deserve.
Get as much support as you can for your next move. Keep coming back here, chat with the helpline. I’ve often rung Samaritans when in despair. They can’t advise but offer an understanding ear.
Ask the best to you,
18th November 2020 at 11:30 pm #116515BettertimesaheadParticipant
Thanks Eve for that. I will definitely be much worse off financially but it’s not the end of world. Hopefully in 5 or 6 years I’ll be bit better position. In the meantime I’m saving as much as I can and moving forward with tiny steps
21st November 2020 at 11:24 pm #116665HettyParticipant
I’m starting over again for the second time. At my age I thought I’d be comfortable and settled. I had a beautiful home and I’ve left it all. I want to say money isn’t everything but of course we do have to think about being financially stable, but what I can say is that going to bed with peace of mind and having a calm and settled home is so important in order to flourish. I’ve moved into a property far from ideal but it’s a starting point in my next chapter. We get one short life ❤️
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