Can’t shift it

[Fiddlesticks]

So it’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I’ve been separated with my abuser. We have children together and has always used them to upset me. Trying to communicate is so difficult, in which I don’t know how but I do, but he still insists on giving me the silent treatment unless it benefits him.

Even now even sending a simple text to him regarding our children I feel anxious, heart starts pounding and makes it ten times worse when he won’t communicate about our children.

I still can’t listen to certain music, certain cars, smells and certain foods. When will I get over this? Will I get over this? I feel like even though we don’t talk or see each other I still feel as though he has a huge hold over me me. I feel as though its getting me down. Starting to not sleep again and just thinking about re-living the nightmare I had been in for years. I’m really trying to get over everything but my mind just won’t shut down. I even wake up in fright sometimes because of dreams. I still wonder if I’m just over thinking or am I. I’m worried for my well being. Just can’t get over all the mind games.

[KIP.]

Please speak to your GP. It sounds like you may have PTSD. As for dealing with your ex. Is there a court contact order in place? If access was arranged there would be no need for contact. Can you use a contact book that goes with the children so things are written down about pick ups etc? And also get a third party to communicate with him. Maybe a family member can text or ring so that you do not have to have any contact at all with him. You need to take back control and you can and keep contact to a bare minimum via third party. Otherwise his behaviour will continue for years and your mental health will deteriorate x co parenting doesn’t work when there is an abuser involved so just do your best to parent for both you and him x

[Fiddlesticks]

There is an order (detail removed by moderator). I have been to the doctors many of times but nothing is getting better at the moment. He has brainwashed my eldest daughter and I don’t see her much with no effort of him of keeping siblings together. We have many organisations involved for the children but all of this is breaking my heart for them. I have done my utmost best to be kind and fair, but it all smacks me in the face. It’s just not fair

[KIP.]

Kind and fair will get you nowhere with an abuser. His goal is to see you distressed and he doesn’t care that his children get hurt in the process. Lean on the agencies to keep you right legally but think outside the box. Make sure your GP knows any contact with him makes you worse. Ask for screens at court so you don’t have to see him. Zero contact sends a message out to everyone including your children that he is not safe to be around and that forced contact is making you ill. It’s a long game we are playing with these abusers. Try to think of a graceful swan. Above water she swims along with her head in the air. While underneath her legs are paddling like crazy. Be that graceful swan and don’t allow him sight of the crazy paddling. You can do this. Keep a journal of all the contact you’ve had and the times he’s ignored it or abused it. You need to paint a big picture for the courts. I know it’s heartbreaking but you need to be a rock for your children. Somewhere strong and safe that they can always always cling to. Sooner or later they will realise what their father is and that you have been the constant in their lives. Hang in there x

[itwillbeokay]

Fiddlesticks I can relate to this aswell, sounds very similar to my life, also out but have two young children. He is still emotionally abusing me and manipulating me and drags me down. He only takes one of our children on visits, blames me for having no relationship with the other one (he’s a toddler poor thing and totally innocent!), I hate having contact, the tone he uses, the looks he sends me off down the road with as I drive away leaving my beautiful little boy with him, I don’t know what to do.

I can’t look at things, hear things, I’ve just bought a dressing gown but need to take it back as it triggered a memory of a scarf my mother in law made me and she is probably the reason he is like he is! Always got on with her but now I am enemy number one even though I’ve done nothing but decide I’m not living with the abuse anymore.

I feel so nervous every other weekend when half my children go and visit him. I don’t think it’s right he doesn’t see both but I’m worried he wouldn’t look after the one he doesn’t see anyway so I’m stuck and go round and round with what to do.

Big hugs you’re not alone x

[Author]

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