Can’t tell if I’m moving forward or back?

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I’m reconnecting with people from my “old life”. People I knew before him, people I knew during and immediately after him. People I left behind when I fled.

There’s a part of me that feels it’s the right thing to do, to have these people I loved back in my life, to Live again refusing to be scared.

But at the same time it feels like going back?
I can’t put a finger on why?

Is this normal? Has anyone else dealt with this? X

[Serenity]

I think we are so keen to escape our old life, that we almost think we should start again from scratch. We are keen to spread our wings- in a way our abuser never allowed us to- and to us that might mean radical change.

But I don’t think we should throw the baby out with the bath water.

Abusers try to wreck your relationships with their people to isolate you, so you might have some real gems of friends who your abuser succeeded in distancing you from.

It depends on your motives for having relationships with those people: do they share your values? You might have changed and grown, and realised you’ve outgrown your old set of friends. Or are you running back to old friendships because of a fear of branching out? Going back to what you know can be comforting and feel safe.

I suppose that we need to surround ourselves with people who don’t jarr with our values and don’t try to stunt us, or get us to go down a road that doesn’t feel like ‘us.’

I don’t think going back to what we knew before our abusers is necessarily taking a step backwards. Normal people have different relationships: friends going back maybe to school days, plus newer friends. Various friends might come and go, but some relationships are there for life.

One thing that struck me about my ex was his lack of long-term relationships with people. When we went to visit his childhood hometown, there were no childhood friends coming to greet him, not even university friends. He only had people who he made out he was friends to, who served him a particular purpose at that point in time. There was no nostalgia with him, or emotional bonding, which normally solidifies long-term friendships.

Our abusers tried to make us like them. They tried to change us. I’ve realised that the real me was the person that I was when I first met him. I’m trying to do the things and go to places that rang true to me then, because I think when he met me, I was living very authentically and honestly, and was being my real self. He just tried to wreck that and corrupt me.

I read a quote :

“Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything.
Maybe it’s unbecoming everything that isn’t you
So you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you for your reply Serenity.

My motives for trying to get back in touch with them… I miss them. I had a bit of an emotional crisis when I moved to refuge where I suddenly didn’t trust anyone anymore, not even my own family (I think because I was so desperate to stay safe and hidden) and so I cut off people who actually did nothing really wrong.
A couple of those people I’ve gotten back in touch with and they understand why I did it, one of them I just simply lost touch with. They’ve welcomed me back with open arms.

One of the people I’ve tried to contact was my best friend. I actually met her through him. I’m godmother to her kids. I can’t remember why we stopped talking. But I miss her so much. I want to know how she’s doing – she was in her own abusive relationship and she fled before I did.

Of course there are other people – some who’ve tried contacting me – who I’d never allow back in my life because of things that have happened. So many people sided with him and said and did unforgiveable things and I’d never trust them again. Alot of them I knew before him. I can’t really remember who I was before him? I do know that I’m a different, and better, person now.

Everything you’ve written makes so much sense. I’ve never heard the phrase “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water” though – that’s given me a wee giggle! 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi little British Phoenix I have gone backwards & forwards to, I just about don’t trust anyone anymore, Think I can then I can’t then can then can’t. This even includes myself & my decisions. I’m scared of strangers too as he was one when I met him, rebuilding life is dreadfully difficult. x

[Author]

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