Can’t think straight

[iamme]

Hi, I’ve not posted in a while but I’ve been out for a while and lockdown seems to have made my anxieties come to the fore. I work with children which I enjoy but since lockdown, I have been obsessing over children’s home lives, wondering if they’re safe. I think because so was subject to abuse throughout most of my life including childhood and no one ever guessed because I hid it well so people/other children would think I was normal. And no one ever did, until I started asking for help as an adult. At first I wasn’t believed and I didn’t even realise the things I was suffering was abuse. People assumed I was suffering post natal depression and tried to make me take pills even though I told them pills won’t change my situation. Because I buried so much abuse, I worry the children I work with are doing the same. I don’t want any little girl to endure what I did and I want them to grow into happy adults with loving, caring partners and not a broken, empty shell of a woman like me. My own daughters I don’t worry so much about because I know they have me in their corner no matter what and they have each other. I know it’s silly to worry because it’s not something I can control, all I can do is make sure I that the time I spend with them are positive and happy so they have good memories to build their lives and dreams on.

I am on meds for PTSD but some days I don’t have the energy to get out of bed and most nights I can’t sleep. If he was still here during lockdown, I know I would be dead. I avoid leaving the house unless absolutely necessary, and underneath it all, I just feel absolutely worthless and a waste of space. All those people who were supposed to love me, have managed to make me realise what they knew all along. Sorry, about feeling sorry for myself but I think I have earned the right to feel sorry for myself. I think I have I earned the right to cry for all that was taken from me. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to run at the first opportunity and take all those chances in life that were supposed to be mine. I wish I could tell myself not to look back because no really cares about me, only themselves and how I can serve them. I wish I could tell myself that I was worth loving no matter what everyone said. Whatever I try to do, all I hear now is how stupid and useless I am.

[Eggshells]

You are right, you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself. You are not stupid and useless, you’ve had some horrible times. No wonder you’re feeling low. The children you look after are so lucky to have someone so kind and caring in their lives.

[iamme]

Thank you, a few kind words make a world of difference x

[Anonymous]

Hi Sweetheart…..you just talk all you want to here, it needs to come out. And yes, you do have the right to let it out. I was the same as you with the abuse at home. I had to pretend all well or else. And I did. Just like you. I remember having to wear long sleeves and long pants in the hot summer to hide my bruises and cuts. And yes, like you, there were so many who absolutely “knew” what was going on and did nothing about it. Everyone actually. I did have one policeman however, who apologized to me on his deathbed because he had some things to confess regarding my father and how everyone knew how he treated me, including him and yet he did nothing about it either. Too little too late.

I worry about the children, same as you. I really do. Lockdown can’t be good for them if they live with an abuser. What nightmares indeed……. I don’t sleep well either, has always been a problem for me. Now I average about 4 to 6 hrs with me getting up in between. My PTSD is pretty good now. It only rears it’s head when something happens to trigger it.

Have you ever done any inner child work? And what you are going through now is actually – grief. You are grieving. People say oh there is a logical order to what you go through and I’m like – no there isn’t. You do it as “you” do it. But inner child work is quite wonderful actually. I can point you in some directions and give you info if you like. I remember going to an inner child workshop for a weekend. We all stayed together at this lovely old house, men and women. We all were victims of abuse.

This dear man led it and I was only going to be with my friend who signed up. I was like – ohhh, I don’t need this, blah, blah. Just here to support her! LOL! Wow…….I cried my eyes out that weekend, they were almost swollen shut at the end. He brought us from being in the womb to 18 years old. Was an amazing experience! I really connected with my little girl and it needed to be done. I continued seeing him for therapy for awhile as well. But it does help.

The betrayal of it all is just horrific. People don’t want to see or know about human evil, they really don’t. Very few really courageous, honorable people around. However, they are there. And you are one of those people, I can see that. So all this talk from your self critic really isn’t you. It’s all those other people talking in your head. We have to grab that little thing out by it’s scrawny neck and say – um, I don’t think so. I know who I am and you are a liar! Not having it. Not going to be abused in my own head when I was abused as a child for so long. Not happening. Please keep talking, okay? I think you need to and we are hear to listen and talk back, okay? Big Hugs to you!!!

[Cantmakedecisons]

I don’t know what to say or write but I couldn’t not write anything! From what I read you’re a lovely, caring woman with a beautiful soul. Your clearly stronger than you think and one day I hope you get to see that for yourself.

Be kind to yourself and yes, cry if you need to because that’s ok to. Even scream if you need to but never give up because this world need more empathic people with kind hearts just like you x

[iamme]

Thank you, Braelynn and cantmakedecisions. I’m feeling a little stronger today. Long sleeves, jumpers and cardigans when it was blazing hot. I used to tell people I was feeling cold.

I haven’t heard of inner child therapy before but it is something I would like to look into in the future. I was going to ask my GP about EMDR because I have heard it drastically reduces symptoms of PTSD but I’m willing to give anything a go to see some sort of result.

When I come on to this forum, I feel less alone. Thank you, ladies x

[diymum@1]

I’m doing this just now working with a therapist on my inner child. Apparently when we get triggered our inner child reacts. I could never explain why when I was out of my depth facing conflict I suppose I felt like a lost little child. Now I can see that and understand why I feel the way I do I can deal with it better. It sounds very deep shall we say but they ask you to imagine Yourself as a young child and show this child YOURSELF love patience and nurturing

[Anonymous]

EMDR does work for alot of people so very glad you are looking into it. We get on these tracks in our head, it’s habitual and we have to get off those tracks and this is one way of doing that. Your inner child is waiting on you! She just wants to be let out of the attic or the basement as the case may be so she can re-unite with you and so you can become whole again.

[iamme]

I’m hearing a lot of good things about inner child therapy, it’s definitely worth trying. Thank you, ladies x

[Anonymous]

To try and explain the whole inner child thing I think of it like this….that maybe if we experienced abuse or neglect as a child, maybe was very codependent with a parent where you the child were in a caretaking role of that parent….when these things happen then a child can get stunted as far as their emotional growth is concerned and their emotional I.Q. would stop at whatever age this all started. One reason why you see people who are great out in the world, doing their job, using the logical reasoning side of their brain but when it comes to interpersonal and emotional things – they act like a child. We can see that in ourselves as well and we go – what in the world is wrong with me???

The logical reasoning side of our brain develops fully when we are in our mid 20’s so whatever mode of operation we had to employ as this child in order to adapt and deal with what we had to deal with – becomes very very ingrained in us, like rock solid. We know nothing else. Basically that little child has learned how to drive the car in rush hour traffic and just deal with it. It’s all very terrifying but what else is a child going to do in that situation?

I knew a woman once who still lived with her abusive parents and she was in her 30’s. She worked at their business. They drove her around all the time because she wouldn’t learn to drive. Her spatial awareness was that of a child. She only saw with a few yards of herself at any given time. During our time together I slowly worked with her as far as increasing her spatial awareness outward. One day tell me what the ditch looked like going to work, now the field beyond that, and next day beyond that. She finally got to where she could drive and she made her maiden flight up the coast going on and off several major highways, etc., to a lighthouse inn to celebrate for the weekend. She was sooo happy! She eventually moved out of her parents house as well. She had trouble talking to people, too, and would have to have someone go with her to speak for her. That all worked itself out as well but she had to grow her little wounded child up.

So this part of you, this little girl, has been given the seat of power in your life and she’s not going to give it up very easily. She most likely doesn’t trust anyone. She had to do it, she did it and that’s that! But that little girl part of you is also worn out, sad, lonely, actually would be good with boundaries although would go there kicking and screaming. She’s not equipped to make grownup decisions.

Through inner child work you learn how to communicate with this part of yourself and how to integrate that part back into yourself so you can be whole again. As long as she is driving the car, you will always end up in the ditch, up a tree and over a cliff. It has to be a loving, gentle kind of thing, opening the door a crack into her attic door and just saying – I’m here…I want to get to know you. I will wait.

One good exercise to do is with your writing hand – write to your little girl anything you want. With your other hand let her write you back. You might be shocked what comes out. I was. My little girl was not happy, very angry. Brought me to my knees. But it was a very very helpful exercise for me. She had quite a bit to say. Mouthy that one! LOL! still is…….. anyways, she’s a big part of me now, loves to play, be mischievous, stomp about in her maryjanes and keeps me full of childlike energy and wonder. You can re-connect. It’s a beautiful thing and well worth whatever pain involved in getting there.

[Author]

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