Caring for Abusive parents…thoughts?

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Hi. I need some advice on caring for my father who is in his (Detail removed by Moderator). My father abused me as a child and my parents divorced when I was a teenager. I don’t know if it was the result of the abuse, but I was diagnosed with a severe mental illness in my adult years. I am currently free of symptoms but am still trying to get my life back.

My father never remarried, has some health problems and relies on me somewhat to take care of him, especially when he is sick. He also uses me for things he can still do for himself. He is verbally and psychologically abusive, never asks me questions about how I’m going and doesn’t contribute to our relationship when I complain everything is “one way”.

I don’t want to continue helping him anymore because of the way I’m treated and because I’m worried about having a relapse in terms of my mental health. I suggested he get an assessment to see if he is eligible for a support worker, but he refused. I would of stopped helping by now if it wasn’t for the fact that he almost died about (Detail removed by Moderator) years ago because he neglected his health so badly. I wasn’t in contact with him at the time. He has another daughter who also worries but she lives (Detail removed by Moderator) and does not support him to the extent that I do.

I am in a bind. If I stay I get used and abused. If I leave I run the risk of him ending up in hospital again or possibly dying of a preventable illness. What should I do? Am I being neglectful if I walk away? If I stop seeing him and something terrible happens I don’t think I would forgive myself…

[KIP.]

My advice is to walk away. But inform the authorities first. Let them look after him. You need to put your own mental health first. Abusers will suck the life from us if we allow them. It’s telling that when you offered to get him outside support he chose not to. Which he must know puts added stress onto you. He is not your responsibility. He is a grown adult and perfectly capable of looking after himself if he chooses to do so. Someone on here likened it to being on an aircraft when the oxygen mask comes down and you’re told to put your own mask on before helping others. Sounds like he’s already taken too much of your life and mental health x

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Thanks so much. I don’t know why but I shed a tear when I read your post.

When I have had periods of estrangement from my father in the past, he calls my mother and sister (sometimes he cries down the phone) and then they ask me to see him. Although my sister wants me look out for myself, she also wants me to keep seeing him for her own piece of mind. I feel like I’m putting every one else’s concerns above my own and behaving like a sacrificial lamb.

Given my mental health issues, I don’t think they should be expecting anything of me in regards to seeing him, let alone caring for him on a regular basis.

[KIP.]

You’re absolutely right. If he is crying down the phone then it’s to manipulate the situation. Perhaps get an ambulance or the police to do a welfare check on him at this stage. A lot of abusers use this crying tactic and often threaten suicide. You will have to be blunt with your family too and tell them it’s too much for your mental health and you need to take a step back for your own mental well being. Give yourself permission to walk away. If he had been a decent parent then you wouldn’t be in this position however he chose to abuse and still chooses to behave this way. He is not your responsibility x

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I thought him crying down the phone was a manipulative tactic, and that’s the reason I went back. I fell for it and only realised afterwards. He has also threatened suicide before to get me to visit, but I didn’t go that time. That was a hard call to make because the last time he ended up in hospital i think it was partly a suicide attempt and you should always get help for people in that situation.

I despise the way I was groomed to take care of his needs, forget my own and taught to normalise all the unhealthy behaviors as a child.

[Ayanna]

I have the same problem … with both parents.
They both abused us.
I had to flee when I was in my late teens, after I finished school.
They have destroyed my life before it even started.
I could never reach my full potential and fell prey to abusers as a consequence.
It is only now that I explore in therapy the damage my parents have done to me.

Both are sick now and need help.
They have enough money to pay for care but they refuse.
They expect their children to care for them.

As I am single the expect me to drop everything and move in with them and look after them.
They have never acknowledged that I did a Uni degree in a different language, all paid by myself and that I have been pursuing a career.

I feel really bad sometimes, as if I desert them.
But honestly, I should have gone zero contact a long time ago and kept it like that.
They never change.

My mother does not understand me at all and she can be quite toxic.
My father is controlling and emotionally abusive.

They are so helpless when they are unwell and make all of us feel bad and run to their aid.
As soon as they are better their true characters come out again.

They have brainwashed us from small children on to follow their commands and we still do it.
It makes me cringe.

Through therapy I have gained more distance to them and I instantly recognize what they do.
However, the sadness and bad feelings come up regularly.

As I grow stronger I think more of what they have done to me and that they do not deserve me.
Now that they are old they play the helpless card.
When we were young and small they had no problems to beat us until we were black and blue, to shout at us for hours and call us all bad names under the sun for no obvious reasons, to make our tiny bodies work like slaves in the burning sun and in deepest winter, to beat us when the work was not done as they expected, to deny us medical care and contact to same aged children….
The cruel heartbreaking things they have done to us … from killing pets to locking us up …
The situation is turned around now.

They never considered that one day they would be the weak and depending ones and we would be the powerful ones.
When I was young I dreamed of this situation and I imagined that I would do the same to them what they did to me.

When I see them I feel pity for them.
I remember how strong they were and how they abused their physical strength over us.

I have grown into a better person, into someone who resists all abuse and who helps victims of abuse.
I treat them with respect, but I create a distance between them and myself.

If they cannot cope anymore on their own I will support the idea that they go into a care home and will be looked after by hopefully kind strangers.

[Author]

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