Challenging step son

[Treetops]

I got out of an abusive relationship (detail removed by Moderator) ago and used this site loads to help me recover. I am now with a lovely non abusive partner and he has recently moved in with me and my 2 teenage sons and he has proposed to me! I am so happy in my relationship and my sons have a great relationship with my partner and everything is good. The only problem is my partners son. He moved in with us too at the same time as my partner after he’d had a fall out with his mum. We welcomed him and we were delighted, although concerned about his fall out with his mum. He had been having issues with his mum and she hadn’t been coping well. When he moved in he said his mum had been hitting him. My partner says she would have tantrums with him if she didn’t get her own way and lash out at him when they were together and physically assaulted him a couple of times. Son had (detail removed by Moderator) coming up so we just concentrated on getting him stable and sorted. Since the (detail removed by Moderator) finished his behaviour has become steadily worse. He’s moody and victimises his dad, being verbally abusive towards him, fronting up and initimadating him physically if asked to get out of bed! He’s stolen money from his dad. He defies simple requests and refuses to keep in touch where he is. He went on a rampage one night shouting and screaming in the street. He’s come home in an ambulance after smoking too much weed and passing out. We walk on eggshells around him. It’s disgusting. It all came to a head last week when I’d had enough of tiptoeing around him and asked him to help with a task he’d promised to do, but kept saying “later” when asked when. I went into his bedroom and tried to unplug his telly after he’d told me to f••k off he wasn’t helping, he could do what he wanted etc. He then had me pinned in a corner, physically intimidating me (he’s (detail removed by Moderator), I’m (detail removed by Moderator)). He didn’t push me but he was close and prodding me on the shoulder telling me to not f**king touch his telly etc. I stood my ground and got out the situation. Then I went back in and talked softly to him and managed to get him to confess that he was depressed and needed some help. My partner by this time had rushed home from work as he’d been sending his dad abusive texts and I’d called him too. He took him to the docs for an emergency appointment, who has arranged counselling and has called social services re his mum assaulting him. That evening though I had a massive panic attack and couldn’t stop shaking and teeth chattering for hours. Since then I’ve felt anxious, panicky, on edge and nervous. I know it’s because his sons behaviour is exactly like my abusive ex. It makes me feel physically sick. Since then my sympathy has waned and I want him to move out but I don’t want to lose my partner. He obviously needs help and I feel sorry for him. I did want to help but since that incident I just want to stay far away from him and not get involved at all. Emotionally I can feel myself zoning out from him. Every fibre in my body wants him out of my house and as far away as poss from me!!! How can I cope with this??

[KIP.]

He has to leave. Once again you are putting an abuser before your own health. You have your own two children to think of. He has physically assaulted you. He has shown you what he is capable of. Why should you walk on eggshells in your own home. If you tell your partner what effect this is having on you, he should be supportive. It’s unreasonable for,him to expect you to deal with this kind of dangerous aggressive behaviour. It’s making you ill and you know abuse always gets worse. He has to leave. This could go on for years. Set your boundaries now.

[Treetops]

I will lose my partner then. If my step son leaves then he has nowhere to go and my partner will have to move out too. I do not want to lose my partner. We are planning a Wedding next summer. The doc has said he has to alert the social services as apparently the mother has been hitting him for a long time before this all blew up.

[KIP.]

You have to see the bigger picture. It’s not your responsibility to house a violent man. Your partner should see the danger he is putting you in and your children. Can he move out and house himself and his son for a year until his son stabilises. Your partner sounds like he is out working, leaving you to deal with this abuse. You don’t have to choose. His son has shown his true colours and if you’re walking on eggshells again and this is making you mentally ill again, it is not acceptable. Who will care for your children when you are incapable. Do you want your children to see you go through this? Surely they are fearful too? You have choices X

[older lady]

I’m always wary when ‘mum’ gets the blame (not because all women are saints) but you write ‘he had been having issues with his mum and she wasn’t coping too well’. Then there’s weed (and it’s links to psychosis), being hit and he’s also depressed. All things that need addressing by and for him. However…’he then had me pinned in a corner’. The ‘issues’ are one thing but pinning a woman in a corner, physically intimidating her, is domestic violence. As KIP says, no way is this acceptable. You recognise what this is. It seems ‘mum’, ‘weed’, ‘depression’ all get held responsible for his aggression towards you. Dad supports son and says the mum hit him too, yet she raised the child. It seems you’re in the middle of a horrible situation with a lot to lose. But for everything you’ve come through you know you and your children deserve more than this. Boundaries are such an important issue in abuse, how they get crossed, how we rebuild them and I think this is where you’re at; having to redraw boundaries around yourself and your children. It’s not selfish when you need to take care of yourself. It’s possible you may not want the wedding if this situation deteriorates further.

One thing: ‘he didn’t push me but…’. Violence is actual or ‘threatened’ use of physical force or power.

[Treetops]

You are right. And it makes me wonder if some of the issues with his mum were because he was intimidating her. He has said she was very controlling but perhaps because he is so out of control? I have told my partner I won’t live with abuse and if it comes to it then I would rather lose him than put up with that again. My partner has been very supportive about it and agrees. In my head I’m preparing to give stepson a little time to sort himself out if he can and then reevaluate the situation if things don’t calm down.

[Newchapter]

Thank you for sharing this. I’m new to this site today and was a victim of domestic violence with my husband (detail removed by moderator) ago. I have also been struggling with my daughters behaviour who has also suffered with anxiety and depression. I have supported her with this bbut yesterday was the final straw when dealing with her agression and I called the police after she hit me and her younger brother several times. Your stepson sounds so much like like my daughter when it all starts by just asking for her to help with small tasks and refusing. It sounds trivial but it is constant and the affect it was having on me and my son over the part (detail removed by moderator) has become too much for me to handle. Every time she swears, ridicules or behaves it reminds me of my ex husband. The police were called yesterday and her dad came to collect her. I feel sad, relieved, blame myself, needed to protect my son. All of these things are playing on my mind today. I’ve asked have I made her this way? Am I controlling? Is it because I was abused by my ex? Will she and I ever be OK to live together again?
I have been bringing my 2 children up on my own for (detail removed by moderator). I want a new partner and it gives me hope when I read your post but I’m scared I will make the wrong choices.

[Newchapter]

Sorry my reply to you became more about me! I’m new to here and should have put a separate post. I wish you all the best with your new partner and hope your stepson gets better.

[Treetops]

Hi Newchapter and welcome! Thank you for your reply. I think that is what this site is for sharing experiences and insights, so thank you for telling me about your situation. I totally sympathise and you did the right thing in calling the police. I’ve told my partner I would do the same to his son if he ever intimidated me like that again. I don’t know how old your child is but I think they make their own choices to be a certain way or not. I’ve been abused and also grown up with abuse and although it makes me sad, angry, frustrated etc I DO NOT lash out at others. Their behaviour is abusive, no excuses. I really fear for my stepsons future as he seems to have a string of girls around him. One of them confided in me that he is mean to her. I don’t know what they see in him tbh but He chooses when to show his attractive qualities to them and when not! i think it’s vital that their behaviour is not accepted. But I’m certain that this would have been a difficult thing for you to do to call the police. Please keep posting here. This site has helped me so much and given me the confidence over the years to deal with situations as they arise.

[Suntree]

Sorry sorry to hear your step son is abusive to you all.

You left an abusive relationship for your health and I think your children’s health. Now you have a choice. That choice is still the same one. Who’s health and well being do you protect? Personally with a heavy heart even if it means loosing the man I love it will always be my children.

You don’t know what your other half will do. You need to communicate. It could be that he is scared that he will loose you and as he has moved into your home he could feel like he is still like a guest.

Did the son fall out with the Mum or did he see you as the easy and light weight option who would allow him to do what he wanted when he wanted.

If he is old enough to take weed, then he is old enough to look after himself (just my view). He is definitely old enough to follow rules and understand about boundaries and make choices for himself.

What you need to do is talk to your partner and work out a way forward for the protection of all of you, don’t second guess each other.

[Ayanna]

I once knew a teenager who smoked weed and it had such an effect on him that he threw a table and chairs at his own mother. She got almost killed, was in intensive care for a long time, artificially ventilated, never fully recovered. The son became an imbecile, he was normal before. He remained very violent and had to be put up in a special hospital.
Just saying, violent teenagers can kill. We have this on the news every day too. I would not take chances. Rather get rid of the man and his violent offspring.
My own life, sanity, children would be my priority. Forget the wedding when he does not put your safety first.

[Treetops]

Update. Children’s services have been involved as they were called by the doctor dealing with my stepsons depression. My partner has had conversations with his ex wife who says he has been intimidating and aggressive with her and his two sisters for a long time. My partner has told me that he will tell the Children’s services of his behaviour and his intimidating behaviours with me and with him. Things have calmed a little as my partner has told his son he is a bully, I don’t know what else he said to him but snap his behaviour changed overnight. Jekyll and Hyde. Over the weekend he has been playing computer games with my kids and going on dog walks with them plus having dinner with us and chatting in the living room, giving his dad hugs etc???? W*f??? I’m left with extreme entirety, nightmares, heart palpitations, not sleeping, basically not feeling safe. Question?? Im considering calling the children’s services myself and giving them my account of the situation. As although my partner has said he will tell them he cannot really express the fear that I feel and of course he will want to protect his son. Should I call them myself? Or just leave the process to work itself out?

[KIP.]

If you call social service I would make sure you ask for one with knowledge of domestic violence and the cycle of abuse. If you’re still in touch with women’s aid, ask someone from women’s aid to be present.
I could think of nothing worse than an ignorant social worker telling you you’re over reacting. It’s classic cycle of abuse. Jeckyll and Hyde. And you could come across as the unreasonable one. But you are not. I’m not putting you off. I really do think you should ring them. Just have your thoughts straight and backup to get your point across. I couldn’t go through all that again. My adult son is not welcome because of his aggressive behaviour. You have to make a better life for yourself and your kids and not go backwards. Our mental health is fragile enough ❤️
Ps I would be honest with your partner and tell him what you are doing, perhaps some education from WA might open his eyes. I know you love your partner but my red flags are asking where his son learned this behaviour. Please be careful X

[KIP.]

Pps I doubt the process will ever “work itself out”.

[Treetops]

He didn’t learn it from his dad that’s for sure. I’ve been studying this man for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. I have observed the mums abusive and manipulative tactics though. She has controlled access, put his dad down in front of him, constant ‘cr*p dad’ messages, blows up and has a tantrum whenever she doesn’t get her own way and made her son feel bad whenever he spends time with us. I’m not surprised if she hit him if he was being intimidating but I’m also not surprised he is retaliating and has made himself ‘out of control’!

[Author]

Posts