Changing moods

[It takes a village]

I left the marital home (detail removed by moderator) daughter after finally having the strength to walk away.

After meeting with a DA charity I have come to the realisation that everyone around me was right, he was emotionally, financially and psychologically abusive.

I have to admit that even though we have little possessions now, and we are living in a bedroom, we both feel so free.

He has contact 5 days a week. Sometimes he is nice, other times he isn’t.

HERE THE QUESTION
Was he right when he said I was mental? Because I have moments where I feel free and strong and empowered. And then I have moments like tonight where I doubt if it even was that bad and if I’ve made a mistake. And I miss him and the home and my old life so much. 😭

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, all I can feel for you is profound happiness that you are no longer with a man that makes you doubt yourself so much. You are in no way mental!!! That’s a diagnosis only a professional can make. You are having feelings of minimising the abuse because you’re not living with it on a daily basis. You are missing the nice him, your comfort and security. Even living with an abuser, our home is still the place we yearn for, feel safe in. It’s early days yet, he will never change though 😒. Educate yourself on the dynamics. Has anyone recommended books fir you to read. I’ve found, Living with the dominater and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft excellent and very very informative. I also read Power and Control by the ceo of relate. All these can be downloaded, some as pdf’s, others as e-books.
Reading others posts on here, sometimes it’s like their partners could be mine, the similarities are so striking.
You’ve had the strength to leave him, many of us can’t even do that, please stay strong and stay away. Abuse always gets worse when/if you go back. Look at the effects of abuse of children, just hearing daddy shouting at mummy, mummy crying, that has such adverse effects on our babies, right into adulthood. It’s also classed as child abuse and you are doing the right thing in protecting your lo from that💜
Take care, stay strong. It’s only natural to miss the nice guy, but remember he was only ever an illusion. The nasty guy you saw, he’s the real man you live with, the more you allow him to surface, the more nice man disappears. You’ve done nothing to damage the relationship, that’s all on him
Love to you
IWMB 💕💕

[It takes a village]

This was the nicest thing to wake up to. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I have just got living with the dominator and will give it a read. So nice to know you aren’t the only one when you read this forum 🙂

[KIP.]

Hi, my ex constantly accused me of being mentally ill. I wasn’t, I was abused, just like you. Google trauma bonding. It all made sense after that x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
What you have experienced, are experiencing is very common.
One thing to remember is that so often a woman’s mental health is questionen so often by her abuser, by others, through the courts, but at the same time the same people often that call that into question – do not challenge the man’s mental state, and his mental health ‘history’ is not regarded in the equation.

On the recovery journey, many of us experience bouts of depression, anxiety, panic attacks e.t.c – if they are long standing, according to the law this should be described as a disability, and we should be accorded enough rights, support and resources to help us manage this.

I would say that it may help to remember history. Throughout history it was very common – that if we women disagreed with what men, our husbands and partners were doing, then it was not uncommon for a husband to sign a piece of paper which made a woman disappear into a mental asylum.

In my first domestic abuse recovery course, our trainer reminded us of this fact. And it is a fact. Years ago, even the children were the property of the man. Some men still have this mentality.

I am not sure exactly where I am going with this one, however I recently read that there is in fact no specialised protocal within the modern day NHS – (very good source) to offer appropriate help for the aftermath potential of psychological abuse. This basically means that we are reliant to find our own solutions, our own things that help, whatever these may be – OR – we need to seek assistance from voluntary or private therapists who have the skills.

In my mind this means that we are doubly disadvantaged and discriminated against. For many of us the brave act of leaving – brings with it financial disadvantage – many of us, myself included, had to priorities our wellbeing – and that of our kids and it was as much as we could and can do to keep this afloat, let alone fight for our rights in retrospect sometimes with regard to financial abuse.

I apologise for being slightly off topic, however could someone answer the question – regarding financial abuse and coercive control. If this happened several years ago – and a woman felt strong #enough to bring it to court in retrospect, would this stand a chance of succeeding in court. I know this cannot be legal advice, but you ladies have very informed opinons so anything anyone had to say would be good.

The title of this thead is changing moods. In my journey I sometimes find the rollercoatser of changing moods the most cha#llenging thing. I go for weeks, months even – when I am seemingly fine and don’t think about ex much, but then a few stressful events happen and I go through a rough patch.

When that happens I go thorugh the things I am ‘free’ and liberated with. Making a list in my head of all the things I can do now – which I couldn’t before.

Very simple I know but this morning – ‘having my breakfast in peace’ was on the list. INcredible for some people who are not au fait with da to imagine. Beign grateful for having your breakfast in peace….

all best
ftc
x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi ftc, I too bring up how men did away with their hysterical, l*****c wives`in days gone by, usually for financial gain, or someone else had caught their eye. I believe this is why abusers still try this tactic as it worked so well centuries ago. NONE of those women were insane, but their husbands made them appear so, thankfully Crazymaking is recognised nowadays but I feel there’s a long long way to go. As you so rightly say, no one seems to question the abusers mental health or methods, it’s ALWAYS ours that is brought into question.
IWMB 💕💕

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