Changing the pattern of being attracted to narcs/abusers

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I just had experience I wanted to ask you about. I left my abusive ex a few years ago and since then have been slowly rebuilding my life but still haven’t started dating because I feel like I’m still vulnerable and feel like I might be tricked by another abuser since they are such good liars.

Anyway, I’ve started going to this new sporty hobby and the first time I went the instructor (who is good looking) was really nice to me. I felt like he paid me a lot of attention and to be honest I felt quite flattered and afterwards I felt weirdly high and euphoric. I thought the euphoria was mainly due to enjoying the sport but then started to suspect that actually it was a high that was familiar to me – the high you get when you’ve met a n********t and they have love bombed and charmed you.

I ended up getting sick and was so frustrated I couldn’t go to the hobby for weeks. To be honest I secretly was looking forward to seeing this man again. But, I had this tiny thought in my head that it was maybe a good I was sick and couldn’t go because I kept questioning whether he had been a charmer and that was a red flag and should therefore be very cautious.

Sure enough, I went this week and he was…kind of cold and mean to me. I felt like he was punishing me. He was not friendly or warm, and he sort of told me off a couple of times, whilst praising this other woman and this time lavishing lots of attention on her. Of course I felt a bit envious. But, I also realised my gut was right – that he’s a probably a narc since he was showing ‘mean-sweet’ behaviour and maybe even triangulation. Not necessarily a domestic abuser, but I’m pretty sure he’s exactly the kind of man I always find attractive and then always regret if I date men like him. (I’m not saying there was a chance of dating him, he may be married for all I know, but I was analysing his behaviour in contrast to all my previous exes).

There was another man there who was polite and friendly to me who I had an interesting conversation with and I have a feeling that if I’m to break my pattern of dating n**********c abusers then he is the type of man in the future It would be a good idea for me to date (again, not him in particular as I have no idea who he is but I think he’s maybe a good example of the kind of man who is healthy to date, a non-narc since he didn’t use love bombing or that mean/sweet flirty/punishing sort of behaviour).

The only issue for me is that narcs and their love bombing usually make me feel giddy and high whereas non-narc men tend to make me feel ‘meh.’ I’m so glad I can see this now and have perspective on it. Maybe in future I will start to find non-narcs attractive, hopefully anyway, since I never want to date one of these abusive types again.

I just thought I’d share this learning experience as I thought you might be able to relate and it’d be interesting hearing your views on it. I feel like if I am going to date again in the future I need to consciously date to change my pattern and actively run from any man that gives me that giddy feeling because unfortunately it seems to be an indicator that he is bad news. My trauma therapist called this trauma re-enactment, ie. abusers seem attractive because they remind the subconscious of the primary abuser so the subconscious thinks ‘oh great, I can finally heal my original wound by getting this person to love me’ queue abusive relationship and nightmarish pattern until the trauma is healed and the pattern is stopped and resolved.

[Camel]

Hi Sunshine

Thanks for sharing this. I think you’re right to trust your instincts. You’re already predicting how it would pan out and you haven’t even swapped numbers 🙂

I don’t know how easy it is to flick a switch and be attracted to Mr Safe. They can become good friends though and the polite and interesting man sounds like a good option when you’re doing your sporty thing.

I also reached the realisation that I’m attracted to narcs. So, with the choice between Boring or Dangerous I eventually chose to stop looking. I grieved a bit for the life I should have had (the happy ever after) but I know only too well that having a ‘partner’ is no guarantee of happiness.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks so much Camel you have summed up what I meant really well – when meeting boring vs dangerous/sexy I always chose the latter then hugely suffer for it after it being fun for a very short time. It’s never ever worth it and in the end they aren’t actually sexy, they always end up being boring selfish lovers.

But I’ve also dated plenty of men who seemed decent blokes but I just felt absolutely nothing for them and had no attraction to them. It gets depressing and you feel guilty you don’t feel much. It even makes me question my sexuality. I feel like maybe my trauma has been driving my attraction all these years and I need to work out who I’m attracted to unrelated to trauma, if anyone.

I’ve had no sex drive at all for months so have no plans to date any time soon. But this has definitely been an interesting experiment to observe how these men behaved and how I reacted to that.

I can now see quite clearly that the phrase ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’is 100% spot on. In the past so often I’ve wanted to get n**********c men to like me rather than acknowledging they were clearly narcs incapable of love so a complete waste of time.

[Twisted Sister]

I think you need to not be so hard on yourselves.

Do something like the freedom.programme (that you can do online too)…to identify the main character traits and behaviours of abusive men.

This will make all the red flags of the male abuser very clear and easier to spot.

The reason you feel attracted is because youve been shown his attraction to you, and attention, especially if he’s attractive too physically.

He does it because it works women are not at fault for responding to men that find them attractive.

I don know about how one manages to diagnose a.psychiatric condition, such as NPD so cantcent on that, but there are certainly way to learn to identify the abuser earlier on.

See if you can get to a freedom programme it sounds like it could be really helpful?

Warmest wishes

TS

[Shaz]

Hi

I spoke about this in my last counselling session.
For me I concluded it was about the reasons I was going for non-available or no future in them- types… a range of reasons from low self-esteem and self-worth, fear of intimacy and a real connection (i knew i wouldnt get one so happy to continue to be in an ‘edgy’ relationship, if you could call it that), searching for the opposite of what I had experienced at home (order, rules), or just wanting excitement.

I now do not see anything positive in these ‘types’ of men, nothing attractive. Feeling safe and appreciated and being able to give and receive in a relationship is so much more fulfilling and attractive. My counsellor wants to look in more detail at that switch and why i did go for those men in the past. And therefore why i dont want those types now, and what that says about self-esteem and value.

Xx

[Tiffany]

Honestly, I haven’t been consistently attracted to abusers – I have a 50/50 record, and would say that generally I am attracted to people who are kind. Both times I got together with abusers rather than nice men were times when I was lonely and my self esteem was low, and I think that was part of what allowed me to end up in relationships which didn’t make me happy. I got into a better place mentally when I was with the first abuser within a couple of months, and it had only been casual. I ended it fairly easily and I was much happier being single again. Second abuser I was in a much more fragile state, more isolated, more vulnerable and without any easy escape route. It lasted years. I was worried when I got out that I was always going to be vulnerable after that, and that dating would put me at risk of further abuse. However, my self esteem was much better when I was dating again and I wasn’t willing to put up with bad behaviour because I knew how awful a bad relationship was and that I was definitely happier single than in that.

I think the process is partly just what you described – you meet someone, you are attracted, you observe, and decide whether or not they are actually nice, or just pretty. If they aren’t nice then every time you get the lurch of reaction you firmly tell yourself that he is not a good match. Like my chain smoking, binge drinking, self-loathing boss – who was very attractive, and actually very nice as a boss. He clearly wasn’t a good bet as a a relationship – he was my boss and he wasn’t happy in himself, so chances of being happy together – basically nil. Also I don’t smoke and am teetotal, so not exactly compatible. The only man I met on dating sites who gave off abuser vibes wasn’t attractive, so that was easy.

The man I ended up with, and am still with now, went through a long period of me observing and evaluating before I was happy to take each step forward – to start dating. To stay over. To move in. Each step took months and months. I didn’t leave anything I wouldn’t be happy to abandon at his house for over 6 months. When I officially moved in I left 80% of my belongings at my family’s, so that it was just the case of packing a suitcase if I decided to leave. He’s pretty much passed the test now. I don’t know that we’ll be together forever. But I am confident that of we split he would treat me fairly. I was attracted to him from the start too. Probably more so than my abusers. There was maybe a bit more of a kind of slow burn, until I was confident that I liked him, rather than the quick flutters you get from a man who is good at flirting. But I didn’t get with an unattractive man because he seemed nice. I found a man I found attractive. I hung around and watched to see if he remained nice – if he hadn’t the attraction would have died, or been squashed. And I didn’t let myself fall in love until I trusted him.

I think that the self esteem comes in in thinking you are worth the wait. And not putting up with any rubbish or game playing because you don’t need them to be happy. I can imagine with family abuse it can be harder to believe that you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Or just to let it slide because it seems normal. But I don’t know how much tha fundamentally alters your base attractions. I think you meet a lot more sleezy men than nice ones sometimes, because the sleezes are more likely to be looking for someone new. But that doesn’t mean they are the only people available, or the only people you could be attracted to. You are doing the right things so far by the sounds of it!

[Alicenotichains]

Hello SunshineRainFlower,

I know what you mean by starting to get an understanding of the type of men you should be looking to develop relationships with. I had consistently gone for the bad-boy and dismissed anyone else as boring.
Then I had counselling and recognised the pattern and explored why I might be doing that. Then I made a decision to try and make a rational choice and I went out with a nice kind chap, gave him a chance and it turns out that kind and reliable men are far more exciting to be with then immature, abusive ones. The relationship has taken a long time to develop, no love bombing or over the top romantic gestures- it’s just built over time and it’s real. He is good looking, athletic, funny, healthy, supportive and kind. What I have learned is you don’t need to give up any of that when you choose to be with someone kind who treats you with respect and just because you have had disasters in the past it doesn’t mean it will always be like that. Aim high is my advice. Develop your self esteem and just go for it. My self esteem was on the floor a few yeArs ago. You have to fall in love with yourself first- after that the rest just slots into place. I just wish I learned that sooner. X

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