Checking his social media

[HeatherFlower]

Hello everyone,

Something I’ve been struggling a lot with is the constant need to check his social media. I blocked him from all of mine even before the last time I physically saw him (I wanted him to know absolutely nothing of my life and to cut him out), but a while ago I discovered that on some platforms I could still see what he did even if he was blocked. I took the step to delete my own account so I had no way to access it, but then I managed to do it through other accounts (like my work one). He uses his social media as an open book diary, so it’s almost like I’m checking on his life, to make sure that he’s not happier than me. But then I haven’t really cut him out, have I? It’s something I’ve done sporadically, but I’ve still done it.

I feel like an absolutely insane person for feeling the need to do this, but it truly feels like he was my addiction and I’m still trying to get sober. I feel awful after I do it, a lot of times because I see stuff that reminds me of our relationship and it brings back terrible memories. I guess it just perpetuates the emotions of feeling guilty and like everything was “my fault”.

I talked to my therapist about it and she mentioned that it might be a way to remind myself that the abuse did take place, as a way to ratify the pain of being gaslighted and pushed aside by the people around me at the time.

Does anyone else struggle with this kind of issue? I feel like I have no one else to talk to about it.

[KIP.]

Don’t look at anything to do with him. Any contact is toxic. For the first while it’s better to go total zero contact and that includes friends talking about him. You know yourself how this makes you feel and it’s keeping you trapped in the trauma. What will you do when he puts a photo of a new woman on there? Spare yourself the pain until you’re way more healed. One day he won’t even enter your thoughts. You don’t need to see his social media to know the abuse took place. Start a journal of every incident you can remember and when you’re tempted to look on social media then read that journal x

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