- This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 2 days ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
-
It’s weird being here. My abuser is financially abusive. Not physically abusive. But like I’ve learned, financial abuse also has physical consequences.
I’ve been reading what others have posted, and its just… a lot different than what I go through. He doesn’t hit me. He doesn’t throw things. He doesn’t insult me. Well, sort of. His verbal wounding is … different. But what I mean is, he doesn’t call me any bad names or shout at me. He’s actually very soft spoken.
Oh, he’s also emotionally abusive. Which goes hand-in-hand with his financial abuse. So I don’t have the luxury of grey rocking. He HAS to have EVERYTHING his way. Or he won’t give me money to buy food. And everything going HIS WAY, includes me… pretending to be ok.
And sometimes when everything is the way he likes it, it actually feels ok? Like, at least he’s not hurting me in that moment, so things are ok?
I donno. Some days, it’s easy to see that what he’s doing is wrong. Other days, like today, things just feel weird. Like, I find myself thinking that I could almost be happy with him. But at the same time, I know that’s not true. Because he gets angry when I try to talk about anything serious. And him being angry is scary, because I keep thinking, “is he going to give me money next month? Will I starve?”
Like, a few months ago, he was really angry with me. And he didn’t give me any money to buy food. So I couldn’t eat properly. The only reason I survived that month is because 2 food banks gave me food. Which I hid. Because I didn’t, and still don’t, want him to know about it.
But when he’s happy, it’s like, I almost matter to him? Because he smiles at me, and his smile is sweet and gentle. But at the same time, he never asks me how I am, or what I’m thinking, or how my day was. Even when he’s in a good mood he doesn’t do this. That’s why I say that I almost matter. I matter enough for him to smile at, but not enough for him take an actual interest in.
He actually got mad at me a few days ago, when I was feeling upset by the fact that he can pretend to care, but that he never asks the simple question, “how are you?”. When I brought it up, he told me that he’s too tired to ask me questions. Later, he said that I was verbally attacking him, and that I should be supportive of him instead.
So I apologized. I apologized for wanting him to ask “how are you?”. I apologized because I didn’t see the point of arguing with him more. And financial abuse really scares me. I want to be able to survive next month. So yeah.
-
Hi NotYourMaid,
I’m glad that you’ve managed to start a topic and reply, so it looks like your account is working. For safety reasons, the system will automatically log users out after a period of inactivity and this can sometimes happen if it’s taken a while to write a post. It sounds like this might have been what happened initially. I understand it can be disappointing if you then lose what you had taken time to write. If you have any other problems with using the forum, please do feel free to send me a private message.
Even though your experiences feel different to what other women have written about here, your abuser is still using fear and power imbalances to control you. What you’re going through is no less valid and very much is domestic abuse. Surviving Economic Abuse have lots of resources on their website that you may find helpful. If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator) -
Thank you for the link. I’ve been having trouble finding information on how to deal with it. Because pretty much all the info I’ve found has mostly been about physical abuse. And while some of the advice for dealing with physical abuse works, not all of it does.
Like, a lot of advice for physical abuse is to emotionally tune out the abuser. But I can’t do that. In my situation that would make things more dangerous for me.
And while I’d like to leave him immediately; because he controls ALL the money, I can’t. I talked to the local authorities, and they said that I qualify for going to a women’s shelter.
But the thing is, I live in my husband’s country. So I’m on a visa. Which is dependent on him. If I go to the women’s shelter, I would have to cancel my visa, AND hire a lawyer. (That’s what the local authorities told me). And I can’t go back to my original country, because, I’d still be unemployed, with nothing. So yeah. I can’t leave him.
Anyway, I’ll out the link. Hopefully it can help me.
-
Hi NotYourMaid,
If you’re in the UK and on a partner visa, there is a specific route for if the relationship breaks down due to domestic abuse. It’s important to get proper immigration advice so you can plan your next steps. You could contact Rights of Women, who provide free legal advice on areas of the law often needed around domestic abuse. They have a dedicated guide on “indefinite leave for victims of domestic abuse”. You could also reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support and they should be able to help you with accessing immigration advice.
If you’re in a different country (please don’t share the detail of which country as this could be identifying), you could use Lila.help or Hot Peach Pages to search for local domestic abuse support services where you are.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
