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I’m just wondering if anyone out there has any information on child arrangement orders when an allegation of domestic abuse is ongoing. I have sent my letter to excuse me from mediation and his solicitor has already sent me a letter explaining they will apply for a child arrangement order. Am I best to get this in place myself. I don’t know how I will pay the fee as I’m still waiting for legal aid but is this something that I should do rather than him? Any help would be very much appreciated
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If he applies and you become the respondant then your legal aid will kick in, if you apply and take him then you have to wait for it to come through, thats what my solicitor told me; it really makes no difference who applies, you’ll both get the opportunity to put your proposals in at the same time. Better for you if they do it really, saves you the £215 and filling out the form (or paying the solicitor to do this – which he will have to do); all you need to do is respond – this is England I am talking about, not sure if you’re anywhere else, you’ll need to check x
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yeh let him do it same applies in Scotland – youll be the defender. id get all ur evidence together now – diaries of events
any witness statements from people who have seen him in action infront of the kids
GP letter stating background of dv
impact on the kids
womens aid can work with the kids and provide statments
therapist can talk to kids if theyre off age and get down (without you there or with your assistance) a dialogue and sent it to the judge. because abusive men say your alienating them – you not being in the eqaution proves your not alienating them – your protecting them
there are forms to fill that can give your child a voice
the family rights group looks like a good port of call and rights for women
look at practice direction 12j
when dad hurts mum by lundy bancroft helps it to all make sense – this is about veing reasonable so you have to offer some contact – but it is reasonable to offer safe contact at a contact centre – id go minimal and supervised – try to push for this for the welfare of the child. it is also better for the kids to have a third party you trust to communicate with your ex – it is reasonable and provides a safe barrier between you again all about the kids all about whats best for them – safe contact with a buffer xxxxlots to do but its doable xxxx
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Thank you so much for replying. I was panicking how I was going to try and get that money together. Our child together is very young so unfortunately doesn’t have a voice to what was happening. However my older child from a previous relationship was living with us and has disclosed to a teacher what they heard. I’m struggling with anxiety at the moment and worried to go to the doctor incase it is used against me. As my ex has previously tried to tell me that I had mental peoroblems.
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I think the problem lies in that I have let him look after our child alone. He has shouted at him once which I have disclosed but I was adamament he would never hurt our child he does love him very much. My problem since leaving has been my eldest child has disclosed she was scared of him and it’s got me thinking that his anger was really affecting everyone i was just so naive and brainwashed to it. Now I think would our child be the one who is shouted at or abused because I’m not the one there taking it? He always told me I was the one who made him angry and that’s why I was so sure he wouldn’t hurt the children. But now I see it isn’t me that makes him angry that’s who he is. will I be told I’ve neglected my children because I would move heaven and earth for them and I certainly didn’t feel they were in danger at the time.
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you could still go to the GP but make it clear you have anxiety because of the ongoing abuse from your ex – thats what i did. i said otherwise when hes not on the scene i dont feel like this im fine – is say your not depressed but feeling anxiety – stomach churning a knot xx its good evidence for you but wont go against you as depression can do. which is wrong but the courts are still behnd with the times xxxx
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i will give you some advice i wish i had been given – be consistent children witnessing dv is now bu=y law classed as child abuse. the more prepared you are knowledge wise and on paper they will take you seriously. dont stand for any less. the courts take note when you know you and your childrens rights – so the right to be free from harm (emotional or physical) know your stuff and be ready. make sure they know you that you are all fearful off him especially the kids because they see it as about them not you. and ask if you dont give us safe contact are you going to be accountable if something happens during a contact visit xxxx love diymum
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Go to a charity for help with the anxiety / counselling – a womens charity, DV/DA, rape crisis – then it will not be in your medical record, then you have a choice whether you present this information for your case or if you choose to leave it out. I would highly recommend you see the GP and report the abuse though so that is on your MR x
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Sorry just read the last post – I underestimated the damage he was causing too. Sometimes it can be a subtle pattern a d on occasions uncontrolled rage. I know this happened to both my kids when I wasn’t there. It takes dealing in a little deeper into what can go wrong and has done during unsafe contact. It’s not literature anyone wants to read and yes it’s the far end off the spectrum but it was always at the back off my mind -how far will he take this? I never fully trusted him -that was my gut instinct xx
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This was before we broke up. But our child is very young. The routine wasn’t followed how I would but he was well looked after. My eldest child isn’t his but lived with us. They disclosed to a teacher that’s they were frightened that my ex would hurt them or me. My fear now is on reflection if I’m not around to take the brunt of his random outbursts will he take it out on our child’s
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Do you have that in text messages or emails can anyone else vouch for you -so smear campaign and worse your scared they will get the brunt. It’s worth documenting this with gp and wa. I’d say he might use contact to get to you most likely xxxx go for supervised contact on the grounds of background of dv and the kids are fearful xxxx that’s enough but you’ll need to prove it through the professionals xxxx keep a journal even if you back track and put in rough dates xxxx
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I only have txts I have sent to a friend and family about what he had said. I have abusive txts and apologies for scareing me. I want him to get help so badly do you think they ever change? I keep thinking what happens if he gets away with all this and my child has to be subject to his rages or witness him being like that with a new partner
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It’s still him admitting it though.I don’t think they do change the will either deny it all or play the victim but never accept wrong doing. There are perpetrator programmes but they are usually forced by the criminal courts to do this. It can take a long time and they have to be genuinely willing to change. I’m not sure it has good rates of success. You’d be best to get him at a safe distance and for contact to be safe it’s the best way forward through the courts xxxx
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