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Hi, just looking to see what others do in terms of contact between child and father between actual scheduled contact. For example if a child wanted to send a message to their father sometimes, talking about primary school age, not very young but too young id say to be responsible for their own phone. Would you enable them to send a message whenever they wanted say via email/skype/text or try set another time in between contact weekends where they could make contact if they wanted. i dont want them to feel pressure to take a call or video call if they dont want to, but i want them to feel like they can have contact if they choose to.
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I’d discourage any contact with an abuser. It might be their father but the character of a man who abuses a woman isn’t someone you want teaching it to your child. How about getting them to write letters or drawings to take with them to contact? When they ask for contact distract them with pencils and paper. Start as you mean to go on. Different when they are older x
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We have regular contact set up so I tend to just say lightly that they can speak on that day. I try not to encourage messages as mine are very young and I wouldn’t be letting them do it with friends unsupervised either. Unfortunately, their dad hasn’t been good at keeping to the limits given, so pushes wherever he can, repeatedly telling them to message him and that they can always call when they want to. This is despite professionals saying it’s not appropriate. It sounds like he’s being nice but is actually giving them a lot of pressure and feels like he wants to get around the system rather than actually address his behaviour and intimately benefit his children.
I like the idea above about writing or drawing something for their dad. It is really tricky.
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Thank you KIP and at Icecreamsundae. We have regular (detail removed by Moderator) contact too. I have since discovered that it’s him who keeps telling our child to message him and that they can call him if they want to. He has been pushing me to give more contact in form of video calls which I don’t feel comfortable doing and don’t feel it should happen for a number of reasons. Do you mind if I ask at Icecreamsundae if your child’s father calls them by their name or whether he refers to them as something else.
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Sounds like a similar situation to us. We have a pet name for the kids that we both use, but Milne else does really. He still calls them that. In many ways, to an observer, the calls are nice and friendly, but there are things that get shared with the kid’s and they have no interest in but it’s because he wants me to know and isn’t allowed to speak directly to me. There are also occasional complaints about my lack of effort in supporting their relationship and asking questions about the house and pets whic feel like he’s checking up.
My main focus is that the contact with the kids is time for them and not to discuss adult things. Mum and dad can talk separately. Then if he’s overstepping the mark I gently remind the kids of that and they know it’s ok to tell him that’s an adult thing and change subject.
It can be exhausting and draining to keep reinforcing the boundaries with someone who makes no acknowledgement that they exist or need to exist.
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Firm boundaries. You know it doesn’t feel right. He’s manipulating the situation by the sounds of it. Don’t feel bad for saying no. If you give an inch they’ll take a mile. Remember these men use contact to further control and abuse even when they’re seemingly playing along nicely. There’s usually always an ulterior motive not to do with a genuine desire to have healthy relationships with their children (in my experience). I’m not advocating for no contact and obviously it’s (detail removed by Moderator) but stick to the basics and that’s it. Keep him at arms length at all costs. I know that might seem harsh but I’ve learned through bitter experience. In an ideal world contact is fluid and unrestricted but it doesn’t work with abusive men xx
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I totally agree with this. I sometimes feel sorry that it can’t be more flexible, and would certainly make my life easier, but it’s just not safe or healthy.
I’m so glad to be physically free, but I know that the abuse doesn’t end when the relationship does, there will always be attempts to regain control in some way. Firm boundaries and being realistic about the extent you can co-patent are so important.
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Obviously I don’t know the details but if you’re worried about the contact in any way being unsafe for you and/or you child then I’d advise to take it back to solicitor. Is that an option? Record your worries and concerns in a diary. I stopped contact when I had evidence of alcohol abuse. I didn’t take it back to court. I told my ex he could do that if he do wished and then I’d tell the court myself why I had stopped it. If you are seriously worried about safety seek immediate advice. Speak to children’s services and/or domestic abuse agency. More than anything nip issues in the bud. I know it’s a very complex situation. Don’t let him bully you under the guise of hun wanting to do right by your child xx
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I’m keeping a record of everything and have got advice previously and am going to again now. I have been doubting myself but your comments have helped me see that I need to trust my instincts. It’s really difficult isn’t it. He is very covert and to someone who doesn’t understand abuse they won’t see anything wrong with it.
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I feel so angry at how the system allows these men to continue to violate boundaries and abuse. You’re right, on the surface others don’t always see what we know is going on. Trust yourself. My ex actually took me to court for contact despite there being ample contact in place and he was ‘allowed’ to do that. All he wanted to do was upset and fight with me. Take up my time and energy and punish me for leaving. I’ve had solicitors letters telling me to reinstate contact when there are significant safeguarding issues because me ex hadn’t told them the ‘whole story’ as to why I’d stopped it. More time and energy I had to spend responding to the nuisance he was causing. Contact is meant to meet the needs of the child, not the father. Stay strong xx
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Icecreamsundae, Hetty and KIP, thank you, really appreciate you sharing and your suggestions. Its not a pet name that we had for our children, he calls our child what he called me.
As well as pressuring our child to message him, he has been pushing for more regular contact via video/message but is refusing offers to change actual contact weekends to enable him to see our child when he has been unable to come for whatever reason. His reason for this has now become clear, it is to ensure he has a certain date with our child towards the end of the year. I am gobsmacked, i mean deep down i know he has a vendetta against me, but this is pure control to get at me.
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