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Hi all,
Hoping you can help me. I need some advice about child contact and haven’t been able to speak to my solicitor so worrying all weekend.
Bail conditions state no contact with me, directly or indirectly. Also not allowed in my street.
As advised by police and IDVA, I’m not allowing face to face child contact as he has joint parental responsibility so could keep my child and nothing I could do about it.
As I’m also taking advice of no contact, I’ve had one email from his mother and just ignored it.
But what should I do about his family contacting my child by text and FaceTime? My child has own mobile phone which I pay for and his family are sending texts, photos and trying to FaceTime. Luckily, my child rarely charges it and can never find it, so only seen one and responded. I’ve explained that no contact with dad at the minute until we sort legal stuff and that’s been accepted by my child.
I would like to be fair about it but am in middle of reading healing from hidden abuse and am seeing there is no such thing as being fair with an abuser.
He’s got all his family round him and mine are far away. I’m sure he’s manipulating them right now with lies about me. Or it could be that they know exactly what he’s like and are just blaming me so they can excuse/minimise his behaviour. I’m feeling again like there is an attempt to control. Could be that I’m hyper suspicious right now and it’s just they want to speak to my child? But if they’re getting no response, why keep attempting to contact. From past experience I think his mum is quite controlling too so she’s going to be busting a vein at no contact.
As my escape wasn’t planned I have no knowledge of the system and what steps I should be taking next re: child contact. I’ve spent all my time so far on trying to keep us safe and helping police with the case. I’m feeling really alone and would welcome any advice you can give from your knowledge and experience xx
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Hi first up I would just “lose” the phone. Switch it off. And/or block their numbers and on FB/What’s App. Although you may want to know your “enemy” (if you know what I mean) in which case don’t do that and just ‘lose‘ the phone…
Not sure if it’s ok to tag people but hopefully it is..
I think @diymum1 and @fizzylem are really knowledgeable about child contact side of things. Have you done a search on here too? I’ll keep thinking. -
Yes this is another, and let’s face it, now his only way, to control you. Sadly. Have his family always been so intense.
No idea if I’m right but have you read/listened to the bit where she discusses Toxic Families? p.28. Likely that he comes from one and it’s where he learnt his behaviours and abuse. So, they’re part of it so for now I think you need to keep your son safe and that means no contact with them either. Look on it like youve gone on a trip of a lifetime to the rainforest…or the arctic to see the Northern Lights…there’s no WiFi out there…there’s zero signal. You’re his mum, you are keeping him safe. Ultimately you know best.
You have been experiencing physical, psychological and emotional abuse from his father. Remember that. What benefits can they bring to this situation right now? How will they be keeping your sons best interest at heart. How will they be putting him 100% totally at the forefront of their agenda…?
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Yes you’re right iliketea. I have been suffering all that. And my child is going to be used. I can’t allow that. I won’t allow it.
I’m going to keep the phone on but out of sight as it could be further evidence. And one picture sent is definitely an attempt to manipulate our child in my opinion.
I just want to do everything by the book legally. But I’m scared that legally there will be nothing I can do to prevent contact at the moment xx
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I’d agree I’d loose the phone for now ! You don’t really have to do anything until proper legal measures are in place. DV is generational so his mum probably has similar belief systems to him. Don’t let her bulldoze you into contact. If need be just say u would like to do this properly in the best interest of the child. If they persist just say the same thing they will get bored. Start getting prepared now have a look at Lundy Bancroft when dad hurts mom it’s on amazon xx we’re here to help you xx love diymum
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😅 thanks for jumping in @DIYmum1 I was just coming in to suggest that book too. Xx
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LB – for now nothing legal is in place your not breaking the law ur allowing time for safe contact to be discussed first. It’s ok to sit tight for now xx if they’re hassling u put a third party in to answer texts or emails get a separate one. Your allowed to distance yourself this didn’t go against me in fact it showed consistency. Your not in contact for a reason xx for good reason – abuse
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Thanks diymum@1 and iliketea. My head is fried at the minute with everything. Trying to keep some sort of semblance of normality for my child whilst dealing with all this. I feel better that what I’m doing for now re: child contact is ok.
I will get Lundy’s book as soon as I’ve finished reading Healing from Hidden Abuse. Reading this, although I’ve lived it, I’m still shocked and disturbed at how abusers think and behave. But it’s giving me much needed insight into what I need to do and how I need to think going through this process.
A piece of advice for those out there considering leaving. Get as much info as possible, read everything recommended and start preparing now. You may never leave (although I seriously hope you do) but if you do need to go at a moment’s notice you know what you’re doing. I kept putting it off and thinking things will get better and they never do. They get worse. And I had to flee without any knowledge or ‘ducks in a row’. I’m doing it though and trying to keep strong. But it’s a steep learning curve xx
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I think it’s worth getting it now so you’re ready for what’s ahead. Dip into both. Honestly. Don’t want to be bossy but I think your son is the priority right now. You’ve got yourself out, you have some breathing space and a base knowledge of an abuser. The book about children covers the same aspects but frames it in the family context. Right now I think it could be invaluable. I know your brain is fried, I get that. The Hidden Abuse is on Audible. You can check chapter lengths there too and also skip. It’s like having your own therapist there in front of you. It’s brilliant that way. Lundy takes effort to read but is readable. Stay strong. Sorry to be a bossy boots 👢 👢 xx
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And remember to take time out away from all this if you can. switch off watch a rom-com, escape, eat rubbish food, do whatever is a treat. This isn’t going to go away. But its Sunday and you’ve had a looooooong week. Rest up, recharge, regroup. You’re not alone, we can all help you work through this. Could you go and see your family and be looked after for a bit? Xx
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