30th November 2015 at 12:17 am #5837deepblueeyesParticipant
hi ladies, finally managed to get on here.
Need some advice about child contact.
He is out of prison and amazingly he hasn’t bothered me too much, had indirect message from him through his friend about wanting to see his daughter.
I’m in a real dilemma here, I don’t want any contact with my perp and also we have SS involvement and they don’t want him to have contact with his daughter till he complies with them and his probation order. I understand where they are coming from 100%, but my SW was talking about closing the case in the next meeting which is ( date removed by moderator) so now I’m going to be left with trying to deal with this on my own again. And this was how the problems started before. I hope this is making sense?
Here are the issues……..
I don’t want him to know my number…..
I don’t trust him…..he has threatened to take her to be examined by a doctor for abuse in the past and he shouts and calls me names on the phone in front of her. Can you imagine the repercussions of that?
I don’t trust him to keep to arrangements…..
I don’t trust he will bring her back when he should….and then when bringing her back he going to start his sh** again….
I especially don’t trust that he won’t poison her mind in some way or grill her for info and then twist what she said. And use it against me in some way…..
Don’t have any family who would be willing to supervise or be a go between because he is so volatile…..
He doesn’t want to admit how extreme his behaviour is and how it upsets his daughter….
But now on the other side….
My daughter misses him and she said the other day she thought daddy would be crying because he missing her….😢
I want them to have a ‘normal’ father daughter relationship……
Other people putting pressure on me to let him see her….
I don’t want to go against SS for fear of what will happen…or for that matter have to involve police if he starts.
I just want him to do what SS are asking of him but I know he won’t.
Right now I feel I’m doing the right thing for my daughter by not allowing contact because she his happy and contented like never before. She misses him and thinks about him and that upsets me but she is too young to fully understand. I was told by someone that I should not rush into making a decision. If she not seeing her dad for now it’s not harming anyone. But Christmas is coming as well.
I’m giving my daughter everything she needs to be a happy level headed child and I’m so afraid of him and his attitude which may end up destroying all of it.
I resent him for being such a monster and breaking up a family because he can’t act ‘normal’.
How do I do this?
30th November 2015 at 1:42 pm #5842LisaMain Moderator
I am sorry to see that you are having such a difficult time with child contact. You are doing the right thing by putting the needs of your daughter first and ensuring that you are doing what social services have advised.
it is really positive to see that social services are looking at closing the case soon, hopefully your ex partner will not do anything that may interfere with the process. Do keep talking with the social worker about your concerns.
As you can see we are still having some technical issues, hopefully these will be sorted out very soon and other users will be along soon.
30th November 2015 at 3:18 pm #5843WanderingCloudParticipant
I think you have to ask yourself if it is actually in your childs best interests to see her dad when he is sucg a monster and there is a real risk of the emotional abuse he may inflict on her. Yes, she may be missing him but is she missing someone who doesnt exist. You need to trust your insticts. If you decide to give contact, is there a chance that in a few years time you could look back and regret your decision?
Your child is worried that her dad is crying for her, whilst you dont want to be cruel and say ‘no he wont be crying’ as that could break her heart, you may need to offer her reassurance that her dad is absolutely fine.
Sorry if i dont have much personal experience of your predicament, I am sure some of the other ladies on here will be able to offer more advise. I think there are lots of us who have had real problems logging in to the new forum, it has taken me days, this could be why there is not much activity on here at the moment. x
1st December 2015 at 9:26 pm #5874Twisted SisterParticipant
sorry to hear of your dilemma, its very hard to make decisions like this for your children when they are so desperate and miss their dads.
Its better she miss her dad, i think personally, than be damaged by his manipulations, inclduing the emotiional blackmail of crying to them about how awful mummy is being and how he is going to make everything right, becasue without a ddoubt that will be happening if contact of any sort is allowed.
Enjoyed this valuable time apart from his influence to keep that lovely equilibrium that you say she now has, and keep it going as long as you can, especially whilst you have the support of SS behind you against him having contact, because it sounds like you could be risking quite a lot by allowing contact against their wishes, and risking her current stability.
The other side, managing a little girl who wants her daddy to be a proper daddy and doesn’t understand. I have had to say things like parents are there to worry about their chldren, and not the other way around, that parents look after their little ones, not the other way around, and that if daddy was to be crying to her that wouldn’t be fair as he’s a grown up (or supposed to be!), and no matter how much he might cry doesn’t alter his harmful intents, and that the tears would be used for manipulation.
hope you are feeling supported by the replies and its helpful for you decision-making.
warmest wishes ks
3rd December 2015 at 1:55 pm #5917deepblueeyesParticipant
Thanks ladies and Lisa.
I’ve decided to leave things as they are for now, may eat Christmas he can get to see her for a while, but we will see what happens.
I’m happy that my child is contented right now and like you advice, keep it that way for as long as you can.
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