Child with abusive ex

[Goldenrainbow]

Hey, so I’m after a little reassurance or advice off anyone who’s been through anything similar.

I have a very young child with a man who was physically, sexually and extremely mentally abusive towards me for years. When I found out I was pregnant he threatened me and my baby which made me cut off contact because I was so scared he was going to do something to harm me and my baby, he continued with disturbing phone calls throughout the whole pregnancy and being disgusting towards myself and my baby.

When I had my baby he started turning up at my house demanding to see him which I didn’t allow, I was advised to keep him away by police, healthvistors and my abuse support worker.

Not long ago I naively let him meet his child for the first time (supervised) under the impression he was off drugs/alcohol and he had worked on his anger but within days he was shouting and swearing at me infront of my child out of the blue (I was being so nice to him and tip toeing around him to make sure nothing set him off) he also made horrible remarks towards me and whilst on the visits he just sat on his phone, wouldnt interact with my child and it didn’t seem like he was interested him at all. I made the decision not to allow him around my child again, as his anger was exactly the same and he’s still on drugs, he also showed no interest in my child and I genuinely feel like my child isn’t safe around him. I 100% know his behaviour will never change now and when he was shouting at me all I could think was what is he going to do next and I wanted to get my child away from him as quick as possible. By the end of the visit I was just a complete mess and couldn’t stop crying and I felt exactly how I did when I was with him and I don’t ever want to feel like that again.

I just have alot of guilt when it comes to my child not having a Dad around but I know he’s a danger to my child and me.

[KIP.]

Please don’t feel guilty. Alcohol and drugs don’t cause sexual and physical abuse. This man chooses to abuse you and he will abuse you at every opportunity. He will use your child to abuse you too without a care for the well-being of your child. Your child needs good positive role models in their life. There are lots of single parent families And it’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You should be proud that you are protecting your child from the harm this man brings. Abusing you in front of your child is child abuse. Look for other positive male role models in your family or at your child’s school. Build a support network around you. A child’s early years are vital for growing into a positive healthy adult and having a man like that in their life is destructive and dysfunctional. A biological father isn’t a ‘dad’. The NSPCC have a helpline if you want to talk things through. Contact your local women’s aid too for support but please don’t allow this man into your life. You’ve done so well keeping you and your child safe so please keep doing the same x

[KIP.]

Just wanted to add that families come in all different sizes and colours and sexes as long as it’s a happy family it doesn’t matter. I listened too much to what I felt was the voice of society. It’s not important, what’s important is you and your child are safe and happy and then you can thrive. Have you ever had any counselling for the abuse. I found it really helpful and there’s also The Freedom Programme that your local women’s aid may run x it’s a free course and teaches us about abusers x it may help your confidence to know you’re doing the right thing x

[diymum@1]

I can promise you the right thing to do is keep your child away. He might be his biological father but he is an abuser and he will abuse your kid too. Either through you or directly. They teach their kids how to be abusive (not all children do follow they do the opposite) I’m not sure what the stats are. I know from my own experience kids learn from them they learn the tactics to survive also. With no abuse in your child’s life they will be fine. Your love is more than enough xx I chose to do this with my second child and she’s doing really well xx

[Author]

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