Child

[Aaaaga]

Hi,
I left my abuser some time ago. I and our daughter move out of area. Almost half of her life, she lives without him and she had never really asked about him. There is no contact between them since we left. She is talking a lot about friend’s families and I know she will start asking soon about her father.
She is only young so I do not want to go into details, but I don’t know should I just say that some kids do not have fathers but got other family members and friends who loves them or should I tell her that plus something about her father, like he is a dangerous person?
He doesn’t know where we live but I am dreading that one day he finds out and I think she should be aware of the person he is, but in the same time, I am not sure, if its appropriate to tell her x

[diymum@1]

I suppose it depends how old she is. I’d tell her very gradually within reason. They say that sometimes kids idolise a father the don’t know. I know I often wished I was the daughter of a millionaire when I was little! They fantasise do it’s better to keep it real in a kind way. I would tell her nowadays families are made of the people you love and respect xx they must Have respect for you and vice versa. I showed my daughter the definition of respect is. they learn well from example too. Make sure at this stage you are her rock xx you know what’s best and will always do what’s best for her unconditionally. That’s probably what she needs to hear and it builds ur trust and bond xx 😘

[fizzylem]

Lol, yes my son used to fantasise his father’s side was wealthy when in (detail removed by moderator). He came down to earth with a bit of a thump when he discovered this was not the case. When he was small I just said, we were very young, and not a good match, we seperated, before you born, sometimes this happens, he moved away for work and we both decided I would take real good care of you, which I love to do – and left it at that – was vague but true and he accepted this, felt happy with it.

All children need to feel they came from good stuff on both sides until they have developed ego strength, have some emotional maturity, can rationalise and process information. If a child thinks dad is bad she will think I am bad as well and this is shameful / a burden.

So I would say you need to protect her from the truth for a while yet; as we do with most things, we let children discover the grim realities of life for themselves and we try our best to give them a wonderful, care free childhood hey.

My son started to ask healthy questions around the age of (detail removed by moderator) and I was able to answer with ‘enough’ truthful information, I was always mindful of his feelings, so no details, more this is what happened – without blame.

We spoke again when he was around (detail removed by moderator), I can see he is fine with things how they were and are; he thanked me for raising him the way I did, said it’s only now he’s older that he can see what a great job I did and can really appreciate how it must have been a struggle being a single parent; he said I know we didnt have much but I never felt I went without, I always felt loved and cherished and I feel I learnt some good values – which he did.

All they really need is information that helps them to join in at school with celebrations and conversations, so on father’s day, my son would give me a card, he used to tell people my mum is also my dad. I also made him aware that families are made up of lots of different members, he has a,b,c who all love him dearly, and he knew this. Sometimes people make grandad a card on fathers day, it’s up to the child to choose who it will be; as long as you have had these talks already, so she knows what to say and doesn’t feel I haven’t got a dad, I’m missing something here, then she will be fine. Other examples maybe, when little johnny says my dad takes me swimming etc, make sure she knows who does what for her and they do this because they love her and it should be good.

There are quite a few books out there that give positive messages that are useful aids with little ones on the relevant topics.

Chances are you will feel the pain of her having an absent father but she won’t, my son said you dont miss what you never had do you, and I can see this.

I think nowadays there are lots of different families, there was a (detail removed by moderator). Seperated parents are everywhere these days, maybe just point out who these are to her in her class. As long as she feels proud of her family she will feel happy to share this – so maybe think what does she need here and what would I be happy for her to share with others.

I think a good rule of thumb for me was never inform, make it clear she can ask whatever she wants about her family and anything, then only ever answer questions in ways she will undertsand and accept, you know, in an age appropriate way. You will probably find it hardly ever comes up tbh, maybe if it does then this is an indication she needs a bit of help and more info.

Then as she grows teach her about her rights, relationships, abuse, manipulation, the importance of standing in her truth and responding to her thoughts and emotions; empower her – which you can do through the relationships she experiences at school and in the family – or in a more generalised way.

(detail removed by moderator), one who never saw his dad and one who does, the latter has been pure hell! It’s great it’s just the two of you, no mixed messages, just you doing what is best for her – so she’s going to be just fine x

[Newst@rt]

Hi there, I left my children’s father (detail removed by moderator) and moved back to the Uk from overseas. At first my eldest was resistant to speaking/Skyping, and because of his continued abuse a DA charity who are supporting me advised to cut of all contact, and leave him to apply to the UK courts to see his children (for various reasons my support worker felt confident he wouldn’t do this). So ultimately I’ve made the decision to stop my children’s father from having a relationship with my children, the responsibility of which does weigh very heavily. Instinctively I know contact with him would damage them, and that he’d use them as a weapon, and my support worker said she’d seen children absolutely annihilated by contact with an abusive parent. My eldest has started asking about his father, and if he will see him again, and I think this is potentially prompted by his friends at school asking, and by being surrounded by school friends living with both parents. All the advice I’ve been given is to be honest but age appropriate, and to give Justin enough’ information. Having said that I’ve searched and really struggled to find information about how to approach and deal with his questions, I feel as though I’m trying to navigate something and have no real idea of what the ‘right thing’ is to do. I’ve told him that Daddy was being unkind and hurting us, and that I decided it would be better for us not to see him for the time being. I don’t know what the future holds, or if anything will change as time goes on. I don’t know if my story is helpful, but wanted you to know you’re not alone in what you’re dealing with. It sounds as though you’re dealing with it beautifully x

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